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2 years ago
General
Howdy peeps,
I think I just need to get this off my chest, and while I wouldn't really consider it news, I guess it's just a consolidation of information and where I am at right now. One of my biggest repeated mistakes is that when I find a pace that works well for me when it comes to producing art, I tend to immediately think I need to push harder. Even though understanding the detriment to that mindset is a breakthrough I had with therapy a while ago now, some times it takes a while for things to stick or for me to feel the change integrate into my life. Fortunately, it seems like I am coming to terms with it now, and it is a feeling of relief in that department.
I think I am a quiet person by nature, but I also know that the medical situation has been making me feel reclusive more so than usual. A quick summary for anyone hearing of this the first time, I started getting phalloplasty (male trans bottom surgery) last June. Things hadn't gone as expected since the beginning, (Inconsistent staff, not able to get bandages I need I have been using maxipads and kineseology tape as bandages for most of that year, staff getting colder/less empathetic/even rude as it gets more towards recent times), and the last few months have been grueling. It's 24/7 attention to the positions I sit and sleep in (I can't let the shaft twist or I risk blood circulation cut off and losing the whole thing), whether or not I can or can't wear the kineseology tape at certain times with how my skin reacts to it, and the staff seem to have checked out as far as I could tell back in March. I do try to keep positive, but balancing on the edge of being at wits end does take a lot out of me.
I have an appointment coming up on Wednesday, and while I know the concept of going back has been sitting in my stomach for a while- even leading to me halfheartedly seeking help from local doctors but ultimately thinking I am just being impatient and calling it off- it really hit me this morning just how much I am dreading going back. It feels like 6 hours of driving for them to tell me, "Oh yeah, we can get to that later in the year," then when those months passed, some new treatment I had no idea about springs out of the blue and I go through it then and there like "I guess this is how it's done...?" because I really don't want to prolong this any more than I have to, so I just go for it. The local clinic had given me a number to the person who coordinates the trans stuff in our town last week, and again I thought I was being impatient and backed out, but I will call them today. I figure I should at the very least get an opinion of the whole tapestry.
That said, I will continue to work on commissions and communicate as much as I can reasonably handle, and the meat of this message is just to say that I don't really know when I will become more consistent. There are many weeks where I can feel fine and it becomes a lot easier to ignore the problem, and it's definitely not all doom and gloom. I think I just have very little energy to allocate, so I'm learning how to balance and prioritize it and try to cultivate it where I can. It is a situation that has improved greatly over this year and is continuing to improve, but it's not quite to the point where consistency can be expected. Everyone has been really patient with me, for which I am extremely grateful, so most of the stress around my inconsistency is self-inflicted. That too is improving significantly~
I really enjoy working on everyone's projects, the subject matter is always a lot of fun and some really exhilarating art challenges have been brought to me throughout the years thanks to you all, so I am determined to keep going~
I want to thank you all again, for both your patience and the opportunities to work with you. I hope you are all doing well and take care of yourselves,
Bud
Edit: Now I have an appointment with the local trans health coordinators next Wednesday, 28th, so that is in the works~
I think I just need to get this off my chest, and while I wouldn't really consider it news, I guess it's just a consolidation of information and where I am at right now. One of my biggest repeated mistakes is that when I find a pace that works well for me when it comes to producing art, I tend to immediately think I need to push harder. Even though understanding the detriment to that mindset is a breakthrough I had with therapy a while ago now, some times it takes a while for things to stick or for me to feel the change integrate into my life. Fortunately, it seems like I am coming to terms with it now, and it is a feeling of relief in that department.
I think I am a quiet person by nature, but I also know that the medical situation has been making me feel reclusive more so than usual. A quick summary for anyone hearing of this the first time, I started getting phalloplasty (male trans bottom surgery) last June. Things hadn't gone as expected since the beginning, (Inconsistent staff, not able to get bandages I need I have been using maxipads and kineseology tape as bandages for most of that year, staff getting colder/less empathetic/even rude as it gets more towards recent times), and the last few months have been grueling. It's 24/7 attention to the positions I sit and sleep in (I can't let the shaft twist or I risk blood circulation cut off and losing the whole thing), whether or not I can or can't wear the kineseology tape at certain times with how my skin reacts to it, and the staff seem to have checked out as far as I could tell back in March. I do try to keep positive, but balancing on the edge of being at wits end does take a lot out of me.
I have an appointment coming up on Wednesday, and while I know the concept of going back has been sitting in my stomach for a while- even leading to me halfheartedly seeking help from local doctors but ultimately thinking I am just being impatient and calling it off- it really hit me this morning just how much I am dreading going back. It feels like 6 hours of driving for them to tell me, "Oh yeah, we can get to that later in the year," then when those months passed, some new treatment I had no idea about springs out of the blue and I go through it then and there like "I guess this is how it's done...?" because I really don't want to prolong this any more than I have to, so I just go for it. The local clinic had given me a number to the person who coordinates the trans stuff in our town last week, and again I thought I was being impatient and backed out, but I will call them today. I figure I should at the very least get an opinion of the whole tapestry.
That said, I will continue to work on commissions and communicate as much as I can reasonably handle, and the meat of this message is just to say that I don't really know when I will become more consistent. There are many weeks where I can feel fine and it becomes a lot easier to ignore the problem, and it's definitely not all doom and gloom. I think I just have very little energy to allocate, so I'm learning how to balance and prioritize it and try to cultivate it where I can. It is a situation that has improved greatly over this year and is continuing to improve, but it's not quite to the point where consistency can be expected. Everyone has been really patient with me, for which I am extremely grateful, so most of the stress around my inconsistency is self-inflicted. That too is improving significantly~
I really enjoy working on everyone's projects, the subject matter is always a lot of fun and some really exhilarating art challenges have been brought to me throughout the years thanks to you all, so I am determined to keep going~
I want to thank you all again, for both your patience and the opportunities to work with you. I hope you are all doing well and take care of yourselves,
Bud
Edit: Now I have an appointment with the local trans health coordinators next Wednesday, 28th, so that is in the works~
🎅 I will continue to occasionally post non-private WIPs on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Loonertick1 🎅
🎅 Here is a link to the current order page submission: Temporarily Unavailable 🎅
I will edit this journal as projects progress. Hope you are all doing well and have a great New Year!
💜 💀 💜
Current Project List
💜 💀 💜
Waiting List (this arrangement is not specific):
1.) 
Kuruk_The_Bear
2.) 
whatisdamatter
3.) 
HoudiniBear
4.) WhatisDaMatter
5.) 
ManowaTheWusky
Active (this arrangement is not specific):
16.) 
Altair2056 - Color - Done - Coming Soon
17.) 
pirateeagle - Color - Done - Coming Soon
18.) Ashy and Big Blue - Color - Done - Coming Soon
19.) 
level000 - Color - Started
20.) 
theHoundsFamine x2 - Color - 2/2 Done - Coming Soon
21.) 
Tiltermann - Sketch - Done - Coming Soon
22.) pirateeagle - Color - Started
💀 Extended Projects: 💀
1.) Altair2056 Color - Done - Coming Soon
2.) WhatisDaMatter - Shaded - Started - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/51417515/
💜 💀 💜
Kuruk_The_Bear
whatisdamatter
HoudiniBear
ManowaTheWusky
Altair2056
pirateeagle
level000
theHoundsFamine
Tiltermann
HoudiniBear
~houdinibear
Ahh, the stages of phallo are rough. Look after yourself. X
Yeah hehe thanks I°3
Tiltermann
~tiltermann
Ayy keep well man, all the best vibes, the openness of the updates is really good communication and appreciated!
Thanks! Fortunately I can say it is continually getting better, just getting my head into the right gear and taking things one step at a time~ Thanks hehe
Arios
~arios
Wish you all the best man. Look after yourself.
Thanks man I°3
MELDRITCH ABOMINATION
~melllowmonster
Definitely reach out to some other places. This isn't impatience- at this point, it sounds like this clinic is being a bunch of negligent, noncommunicative jerks. Like, you are living in fear every day of this appendage literally just falling off, months and months after surgery, and they're hitting you with "we'll get to that later in the year"...? You need some second opinions, I think. Good luck, the ole game of Medical Musical Chairs is draining, but I hope you find someplace that gives you a better, more understandable solution to this problem than whatever the hell that is. More compassionate care, too.
Thanks, fortunately I'll be seeing someone today. I think the hospital is legitimately that busy, so I'm not sure what can be done, but I am gonna check~ i appreciate the supportive words c°:
