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Rant/Depression/Thoughts
2 years ago
I've met a lot of people. A lot of people here, either just from passing or actually became friends with.
I won't say their names, it's not about the specific people, besides, they know who they are.
Things have happened with some of these people, in the past. All different, not really related directly. Be it the head of a website, or a potential mate who changed their mind last moment.
A lot has happened that has caused a lot of damage. Damage I can't properly describe. Stuff that gets to unfortunately proudly sit alongside the shelf where everything my father did to me.
I have every right to hate these people. I want to. But for some reason all I want is forgiveness. I don't understand how that is. Why is the person who was harmed the one that wants to be sorry? I understand its part of abuse. I get it. But it doesn't make sense. I want it to make sense. I want things to feel better.
I don't want there to be anger. I don't want to hate anyone. I SHOULD hate them, but I don't want to. I don't know about being friends again but I just... I hate seeing these people and knowing how much pain there is whenever I see them. How I can never see them again with the same feelings I did when we were friends or before it. Where now I have to have this foul knowledge and tainted view. And even if they changed, I never get to know because I'll never talk to them again.
I feel so... robbed. I feel like good people were taken from me and I don't get to know why. Were they not good? Are they better people now and the past just gets to be a permanent scar? I just...
I want the anger to go away. I want the pain to end. I don't know why I want to ask for forgiveness, maybe to apologies for how things ended. I've hurt people in the past, but I've always tried to do everything I could to make up for things. Even if things don't continue from there, it's at least... closure...
Am I wanting to apologize because I want closure? I don't understand anymore. I don't get any of this shit. I just... wish things could have been better.
I wish everything would have been better.
They wont be... will they?
I won't say their names, it's not about the specific people, besides, they know who they are.
Things have happened with some of these people, in the past. All different, not really related directly. Be it the head of a website, or a potential mate who changed their mind last moment.
A lot has happened that has caused a lot of damage. Damage I can't properly describe. Stuff that gets to unfortunately proudly sit alongside the shelf where everything my father did to me.
I have every right to hate these people. I want to. But for some reason all I want is forgiveness. I don't understand how that is. Why is the person who was harmed the one that wants to be sorry? I understand its part of abuse. I get it. But it doesn't make sense. I want it to make sense. I want things to feel better.
I don't want there to be anger. I don't want to hate anyone. I SHOULD hate them, but I don't want to. I don't know about being friends again but I just... I hate seeing these people and knowing how much pain there is whenever I see them. How I can never see them again with the same feelings I did when we were friends or before it. Where now I have to have this foul knowledge and tainted view. And even if they changed, I never get to know because I'll never talk to them again.
I feel so... robbed. I feel like good people were taken from me and I don't get to know why. Were they not good? Are they better people now and the past just gets to be a permanent scar? I just...
I want the anger to go away. I want the pain to end. I don't know why I want to ask for forgiveness, maybe to apologies for how things ended. I've hurt people in the past, but I've always tried to do everything I could to make up for things. Even if things don't continue from there, it's at least... closure...
Am I wanting to apologize because I want closure? I don't understand anymore. I don't get any of this shit. I just... wish things could have been better.
I wish everything would have been better.
They wont be... will they?
Does it hurt? Hell yes, and does that ever go away? Not really. Yeah, part of us wants to hate them for it, but hate is a simple, dangerous emotion. It is easy to hate, because it is hard to empathize. Don't hold hate in your heart for anyone; it will do you no good, whatsoever, and does no good to those who caused it. Instead, enjoy what was good, when it was good, and learn from the loss. And of course, always know you can fall back on those who are still friends and care about you.
My contribution is probably unhelpful, but feeling hate towards somebody who hurt you is only natural; the most important part is coming to terms with that pain. Honestly the longer I wrote this the less it made sense :'D
ToeClaws explained it really well, imo. I think the best course of action when you do pass by these people, well... it really depends on what your relationship with them is. You can simply ignore them, avoid interactions as much as you can. If they have acknowledged their fault in the issue, and you have both moved on, I suppose you could try to rebuild something and perhaps attempt to work with them on making things better?