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Today is my 28th birthday
2 years ago
On June 28, 1995 at 2:58am i was born on this day.
on today the 28th i am 28.. and i was told in the past that means it is a golden birthday, supposed to be the best birthday you will have. it is currently 4:00 in the morning as of me writing this and ive decided to have a short reflection of my life.
fuck.
in February this year i quit my job to pursue my career as an artist. I was working as a cook for a nursinghome where i enjoyed what i did but was not being compensated enough and had too much work load put on me. I was sleeping poorly, loosing almost all of my art drive, and felt exhausted all the time.
None of that compares to the feeling of inadequacy i have right now. I feel, so... worthless. Like i contribute nothing to my household or to my friends or even my patrons and viewers. I shouldnt feel this way. im following my dreams and slowly am earning enough money to just make rent. Trying to balance doing art for my patrons and taking commissions so i can afford my personal bills. And now adding onto that trying to write a visual novel series one scifi and one dark fantasy so i can get people interested in what i do and to have fun doing it.
i feel like im sinking into a hole. my friends are supportive, my housemates are patient with me being only able to pay half of my required rent money, i have a good relationship with my family and they would welcome me back with open arms if i ever needed to leave where i am now.
and i feel like garbage.
i feel like i am failing despite things getting better slowly, so very slowly. Mentally i do not feel ok, i feel incomplete, like im missing something, there is just this looming void in the back of my head tugging at me. I start something only to quit half way through because i feel too tired and im not enjoying the progress or product im making even though it looks good. I have these ideas that start off great but i just end up dumping them. I feel like im not working fast enough but i KNOW that if i push myself too hard to just get it done it wont look good, and ill just feel worse about it and start feeling burnt out.
Just writing this is making me want to cry. but i dont cry. i feel like i cried out all my tears forever ago, like a pot you put on the stove to boil water and you forgot and now its empty and the pot is scorching itself, and all i have now is this bitter, angry core hiding behind a happy face whos only comfort are the people i make happy around me. I value my friends, i love them, the ones ive made irl that i dont ever see anymore and the ones ive made online. You guys are the little drops of glue holding what shattered pieces of my whatever the hell you can call me together.
*sigh*
i just want to feel complete, and like im doing something worthwhile with myself. And i reach out a lot to my friends and sometimes i swear im just being annoying. there are people that i message every day. some of them for art questions some of them for hanging out and some of them just to say hi. And some of them i just dump pictures at and wait to see if they respond with their thoughts. If you have me on discord and i message you often i just want you to know you guys really make my day shine when i get to speak or you reach out to me.
Some of you i dont really talk to much anymore, its because your busy or i feel like we dont have anything to really talk about. But i think about you guys, even the ones i dont speak to much at all anymore.
Later today, at 5:30pm ill be at "The Grouse Room" in Lafayette Louisiana, if anyone is around or nearby that wants to come say hi or wish me a happy birthday. Ill be the long haired guy in a pinstripe suit, with a pink shirt and tie, looking kind of sad and drinking alone. ill only be there till 9 since i have to go back home and do some stuff.
I dont know why i feel so terrible, i just know i dont like it.
(P.S: sorry for the inconsistant streaming and going off schedule, i havent really been feeling up to it lately...)
on today the 28th i am 28.. and i was told in the past that means it is a golden birthday, supposed to be the best birthday you will have. it is currently 4:00 in the morning as of me writing this and ive decided to have a short reflection of my life.
fuck.
in February this year i quit my job to pursue my career as an artist. I was working as a cook for a nursinghome where i enjoyed what i did but was not being compensated enough and had too much work load put on me. I was sleeping poorly, loosing almost all of my art drive, and felt exhausted all the time.
None of that compares to the feeling of inadequacy i have right now. I feel, so... worthless. Like i contribute nothing to my household or to my friends or even my patrons and viewers. I shouldnt feel this way. im following my dreams and slowly am earning enough money to just make rent. Trying to balance doing art for my patrons and taking commissions so i can afford my personal bills. And now adding onto that trying to write a visual novel series one scifi and one dark fantasy so i can get people interested in what i do and to have fun doing it.
i feel like im sinking into a hole. my friends are supportive, my housemates are patient with me being only able to pay half of my required rent money, i have a good relationship with my family and they would welcome me back with open arms if i ever needed to leave where i am now.
and i feel like garbage.
i feel like i am failing despite things getting better slowly, so very slowly. Mentally i do not feel ok, i feel incomplete, like im missing something, there is just this looming void in the back of my head tugging at me. I start something only to quit half way through because i feel too tired and im not enjoying the progress or product im making even though it looks good. I have these ideas that start off great but i just end up dumping them. I feel like im not working fast enough but i KNOW that if i push myself too hard to just get it done it wont look good, and ill just feel worse about it and start feeling burnt out.
Just writing this is making me want to cry. but i dont cry. i feel like i cried out all my tears forever ago, like a pot you put on the stove to boil water and you forgot and now its empty and the pot is scorching itself, and all i have now is this bitter, angry core hiding behind a happy face whos only comfort are the people i make happy around me. I value my friends, i love them, the ones ive made irl that i dont ever see anymore and the ones ive made online. You guys are the little drops of glue holding what shattered pieces of my whatever the hell you can call me together.
*sigh*
i just want to feel complete, and like im doing something worthwhile with myself. And i reach out a lot to my friends and sometimes i swear im just being annoying. there are people that i message every day. some of them for art questions some of them for hanging out and some of them just to say hi. And some of them i just dump pictures at and wait to see if they respond with their thoughts. If you have me on discord and i message you often i just want you to know you guys really make my day shine when i get to speak or you reach out to me.
Some of you i dont really talk to much anymore, its because your busy or i feel like we dont have anything to really talk about. But i think about you guys, even the ones i dont speak to much at all anymore.
Later today, at 5:30pm ill be at "The Grouse Room" in Lafayette Louisiana, if anyone is around or nearby that wants to come say hi or wish me a happy birthday. Ill be the long haired guy in a pinstripe suit, with a pink shirt and tie, looking kind of sad and drinking alone. ill only be there till 9 since i have to go back home and do some stuff.
I dont know why i feel so terrible, i just know i dont like it.
(P.S: sorry for the inconsistant streaming and going off schedule, i havent really been feeling up to it lately...)
Sorry to hear you have been feeling terrible. Hope you figure out your goals and finding sustainable work during these difficult times.