So the past week or so has been...something. I have a lot to get off my chest, and while half of this is going to be roughly positive, the second half of it is going to be a rant. You've been warned.

I suffer from depression to start with. And when I arrived at Anthrocon on Wednesday, I was only about half into it since I had other problems pile on top the weeks leading up to AC. To start with, I was kicked out of a photography group for not posting pictures in a timely manner. As much as I hate to say it, *fair enough*. I've got problems and forgetfulness and not *actually* posting pictures is a valid reason to get kicked out of a photography group. But it really did sting. Nothing like a swift kick in the teeth to your self-esteem to really get you ready for a convention!

Then I found out I didn't register fast enough to grab a supersponsor spot for AC. Like, I had no idea those were a limited commodity now. So that meant that I would not have the ability to sit and be a part of the major events I typically show up for, like opening/closing ceremonies and the fursuit dance. The very few actual events I allow myself time to relax and enjoy, couldn't even do that adequately. So that also hurt.

Suffice to say Wednesday of the con I was not exactly in a great spot mentally. I wasn't really feeling the mojo as it were, and I had to fight to have enough energy to push myself forward and grab photos. I don't think I even felt fully committed and enthusiastic about doing con photos until probably Friday. What helped turn things around was just being able to see people. People I knew. Saying “hello” to old friends, some acquaintances from Twitter or elsewhere, or just anybody I happened to know. Fursuit hugs really did help me recover emotionally, but so did the hugs and chats I had with people I knew who weren't in suit at all. I can't name them all but if you and I chatted at all over the weekend, know that it really helped pull me out of a dark spot.

That said even those interactions didn't go perfectly either. Part of the way I fought through the cloud of depression in the beginning was to just focus on my work. Mostly because I knew if I walked away with very few photos it would only send me into a much deeper spiral of depression and self-loathing. So, I put proverbial blinders on and just went to work. Unfortunately, I had two different people come up to me and tell me they thought I was ignoring them or was mad at them, because they said hello or waved and tried to get my attention and didn't notice. Two different people said that. And I apologized profusely, tried to explain that they did nothing wrong, I was just distracted.

But it was a sort of wake-up call that I was probably putting off some bad vibes. So I resolved to shake it off by redoubling my efforts to greet all friends new and old, and chat them up when I could. I really wanted to make sure everyone knew that I appreciated them being there. Mostly this manifested as me enthusiastically greeting people in the hallway as we walked past each other. Sometimes if someone was standing idle, I would make an effort to chat with them a bit - something more than a tidbit greeting.

I'd say in general it worked. I didn't have anyone else say they thought I was ignoring them. And for my own mental health, it worked wonders in making me feel connected to all these people whom I so rarely see. I'm always trying to branch out more in the furry community in general so I can socialize with people on a more substantive basis, and perhaps even hang out with them or at least chat with them outside of conventions. I really do try to make sure people know I appreciate them as people, and not just objects that I photograph.

~_~_~_~Now here comes the rant~_~_~_~

So, I said “in general” it worked. There was one interaction that kinda ended on a bad foot. And I didn't think much of it until today. I'll explain as much as I can without naming names.

There's a fursuiter on Twitter that had repeatedly posted that they wanted to give out lots of hugs because they love all the positive attention. So at AC, when I saw them, I walked up and introduced myself. I told them who I was, that I followed them on Twitter and asked them if they still wanted hugs? Well it was quite the warm response, because they immediately pulled me into a hug. And this was no amateur hug either. They didn't just pull me in for a hug - it was like I got yanked into a vortex or an intense gravity just sucked me into them as they wrapped their arms around me tight.

I was delighted. I laughed (which I really needed), hugged them back. Took a photo or two, went on my way. And later on in the day, as I saw them again, I called out and waved. Again, this part of me already trying to make sure people didn't think I was ignoring them.

The next day I saw them in suit again, got another great hug, laughed and took some photos. Was a pretty decent time. We chatted a bit - they talked about how amazing weighted blankets were and how they could just sleep under multiple such blankets that added up to over a hundred pounds! I kinda failed to take this hint, as I later found out they were looking for someone to flop atop them as a snuggle. But I completely missed that. But no matter, it was a nice conversation, we left on good terms.

Sunday though, was a different experience. It was roughly 20 minutes before the fursuit dance competition was set to start, and I ran into this suiter again in front of the SOP ballroom. My plan was to go up to my hotel room to watch the event on the Anthrocon TV channel in the hotel, but I had a few minutes to spare, so I walked up to the suiter and said hello to them and a friend they were with. I then walked away to ask a staff member something, then walked back to this suiter. At this point the suiter turned to me and said, “Yeah I'm going to spend some time with this friend of mine, so BYE!”

Yikes. Okay, got the hint. Sorry, was just trying to chat for a minute to kill time before I left to go watch the dance comp on TV. It was abrupt but I didn't think much of it at the time. I went to watch TV in my hotel room because I couldn't get seating to watch the dance comp in person, and that was that. Since that was Sunday that was the last I saw of the suiter.

Then today this suiter posts on Twitter, and I'll paraphrase because I'm trying to keep this nominally anonymous. “OMG guys I think I have a problem! Someone at AC was following me around like they thought they were my best friend or something. What should I do?!”

So...is that a reference to me? It sounds like it is. They didn't name names obviously because otherwise I wouldn't have to speculate, but given our last interaction, it sounds like it is in reference to me. I'd love to just say they *have* to be referring to someone else but there's also other minor circumstantial things that lead me to believe they're referring to me. So what the FUCK did I do to deserve that? And hell yes I'm pissed off over it!

Like, Jesus-Fucking-Christ I actually have a circumstance where people are getting on my case both for not acknowledging them enough, while others are saying they feel I'm following them around? I cannot stress this enough - I *barely* get to talk to most people in any substantial way pretty much all year. I get to chat with people a few times during the convention, but even then, I'm pressed for time because I'm trying to capture photos of other people walking by. I have neither the time nor the inclination to “follow someone around”. Hell, even with devoting about 95% of my free time to getting photos, I somehow was not in the room for the ONE TIME the Bandit fursuiter came out to play. How in the world did the stars align for me to miss that huge opportunity?

Then the fox puppeteer guy got called out on Twitter by some fucking puriteen assholes looking for clout by pretending to do something for a noble cause, and there's all sorts of ignorant shit fallout from that and you know what...I'm just so fucking //tired//. I'm mentally exhausted from all the stupid crap. Between the other issues in my personal life that I already spoke on effecting my self-esteem, my photo equipment/software/skills apparently becoming more and more obsolete, having only one dedicated photoshoot this year that I somehow made a major mistake in, being socially isolated and also getting alluded to being a stalker when I try to reach out and connect with other people, I'm just so //done//. I just don't know if I have the energy for this anymore. I don't want to be disconnected from everybody, but apparently I can't reach out and try to make new friends either (or even just treat people decently) otherwise I get labeled as a creepy stalker.

There was a lot of good that happened at AC, too. I am desperately clinging to those memories and trying to convince myself that this is all worth it. Not to put too fine a point on a meme of all things, but I am 30 or 40 years old and I just don't have time for this shit. I'm trying desperately to try to find a house to buy and live in because rent keep skyrocketing and I can't afford the damn increases, but any basic house these days is priced like it's a luxury mansion and I'm just astonished at these asking prices and I can barely afford a shack in the middle of nowhere. I can't get more money at my job, I don't have any prospects for getting decent and affordable housing, I apparently don't have any prospects at expanding my social circle, I *really* don't have any prospects for finding a romantic partner before I die of old age.

I'm just burned out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too late for everything good and decent in life, and getting kicked in the teeth for everything I try to do.