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Non-Binary Day
2 years ago
"I am James Ungentine KTLA, and I predict your future. These are the events that will change and illuminate your daily lives, except you aren't there yet! Future date 2025, KTLA predicts..."
Well, since it's apparently Non-Binary Day, I suppose I might as well say something on the subject, since I do claim to be non-binary.
Declaring myself non-binary is a comparitively recent decision - less than three years old at this point - and it stems largely from a general detachment from my assigned-at-birth gender (that being male, incidentally). I don't think I've ever really felt like a man, whatever that's supposed to feel like. Mostly I've just felt like me. On the other hand, as my sexuality has developed, one of the things that has emerged is a deep and abiding fetish for feminisation and crossdressing - the girlier the better. No matter how much art I commission, I just can't get enough of Myuphrid in frilly pink dresses or with huge boobs... or both, of course.
Coupled with this is a long-standing sense of dissatisfaction with my body and physical appearance. As a person, I don't think I've ever felt anything more than ugly and grotesque. I would be hard-pressed to describe myself as anything other than a fat, hairy lump of meat. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror if I'm not wearing a mask or a costume of some description, and I never take photos of myself without them. At times I feel like my flesh just hangs off me like a badly fitting coat.
These two facts combined lead me to wonder if I might be an as-yet unhatched egg, a transwoman waiting to fully realise it, and that "non-binary" is simply a stopgap to try to acknowledge these feelings without actually committing to transition. Alas, here's where self-doubt rears its ugly head: am I just envious of all the beautiful, wonderful trans people in my life? Do I just want attention? Do I not fulfill the criteria for true gender dysphoria? Am I just a fetishist who's overthinking a kink far too much?
Sadly, this is where the story will stay for the forseeable future. Without the privacy I'd want to really explore my gender, a job or any real employability to be able to afford such a place, or the courage to leave the house thanks to the pandemic, I'm stuck in this rut. I don't have the wherewithal to properly explore act on these feelings and what they may mean in any but the most minor ways. In the end, I don't think i'm a man, but I don't know if I'm a woman... I guess I'm non-binary.
Declaring myself non-binary is a comparitively recent decision - less than three years old at this point - and it stems largely from a general detachment from my assigned-at-birth gender (that being male, incidentally). I don't think I've ever really felt like a man, whatever that's supposed to feel like. Mostly I've just felt like me. On the other hand, as my sexuality has developed, one of the things that has emerged is a deep and abiding fetish for feminisation and crossdressing - the girlier the better. No matter how much art I commission, I just can't get enough of Myuphrid in frilly pink dresses or with huge boobs... or both, of course.
Coupled with this is a long-standing sense of dissatisfaction with my body and physical appearance. As a person, I don't think I've ever felt anything more than ugly and grotesque. I would be hard-pressed to describe myself as anything other than a fat, hairy lump of meat. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror if I'm not wearing a mask or a costume of some description, and I never take photos of myself without them. At times I feel like my flesh just hangs off me like a badly fitting coat.
These two facts combined lead me to wonder if I might be an as-yet unhatched egg, a transwoman waiting to fully realise it, and that "non-binary" is simply a stopgap to try to acknowledge these feelings without actually committing to transition. Alas, here's where self-doubt rears its ugly head: am I just envious of all the beautiful, wonderful trans people in my life? Do I just want attention? Do I not fulfill the criteria for true gender dysphoria? Am I just a fetishist who's overthinking a kink far too much?
Sadly, this is where the story will stay for the forseeable future. Without the privacy I'd want to really explore my gender, a job or any real employability to be able to afford such a place, or the courage to leave the house thanks to the pandemic, I'm stuck in this rut. I don't have the wherewithal to properly explore act on these feelings and what they may mean in any but the most minor ways. In the end, I don't think i'm a man, but I don't know if I'm a woman... I guess I'm non-binary.
Ask yourself, if you were to be remembered for all time, how would you want people to remember you? And don't be quick to answer. Really think about it. Play with your presentation a little.
When I asked myself this question I realized that I wanted to be known as Rose for all time. And although it was a painful path it paid off.