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Where Do I Begin?
2 years ago
I'm not sure how long of a read this is going to be, so here we go....
It's been a very tumultuous year or so in my head; while my gallery on FA and across the Interbutts is still not up to date, I've been struggling not just to write this journal, but just with ... everything. My struggles with depression have always been a public matter, but I really feel like it has accumulated with the various health issues I've had to make a perfect storm of this ... lump of a waste of space, for lack of better words. I've been on several mixes of medications which do help with my overall mood, but it's not helped with my output, my focus, or just the mental fog that has not lifted since I had my very first migraines and what was a stroke scare back in 2015. Yes, I've seen therapists. Yes, I am on medications, still. Yes, I have had *several* CT scans to see what was wrong. (All of them came up negative.) I do not want any advice for managing whatever the fuck is happening in my head, because I've heard it all, I've tried it all, and I've gotten mixed results.
My commissions have been closed for so long (almost two years) because getting work done has been such a struggle. I've not streamed it in so long because I have not either been in a mood to deal with people, or I have been so self-conscious about showing my work. I would like to finish my commissions as fast as reasonable, obviously, because I like having money to spend on more than the necessities. Who likes to be a little frivolous from time to time? But instead I actually need to save up for the tax man this year because I still owe about $500 USD for that. No, I am not accepting donations, I've received enough handouts this year.
And the DREAMS. They're screwing me up. Today I actually turned off Discord because of a dream where I was fighting literally everyone because they could not leave me or my space alone, and it was just a cascade event. I had such a hard time waking up today, and I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed if it weren't for my loving wife.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I haven't been open about myself in awhile and I felt it was time to give an update on me, my health, my state of mind. I'm just not doing well, everyone, I'm sorry.
It's been a very tumultuous year or so in my head; while my gallery on FA and across the Interbutts is still not up to date, I've been struggling not just to write this journal, but just with ... everything. My struggles with depression have always been a public matter, but I really feel like it has accumulated with the various health issues I've had to make a perfect storm of this ... lump of a waste of space, for lack of better words. I've been on several mixes of medications which do help with my overall mood, but it's not helped with my output, my focus, or just the mental fog that has not lifted since I had my very first migraines and what was a stroke scare back in 2015. Yes, I've seen therapists. Yes, I am on medications, still. Yes, I have had *several* CT scans to see what was wrong. (All of them came up negative.) I do not want any advice for managing whatever the fuck is happening in my head, because I've heard it all, I've tried it all, and I've gotten mixed results.
My commissions have been closed for so long (almost two years) because getting work done has been such a struggle. I've not streamed it in so long because I have not either been in a mood to deal with people, or I have been so self-conscious about showing my work. I would like to finish my commissions as fast as reasonable, obviously, because I like having money to spend on more than the necessities. Who likes to be a little frivolous from time to time? But instead I actually need to save up for the tax man this year because I still owe about $500 USD for that. No, I am not accepting donations, I've received enough handouts this year.
And the DREAMS. They're screwing me up. Today I actually turned off Discord because of a dream where I was fighting literally everyone because they could not leave me or my space alone, and it was just a cascade event. I had such a hard time waking up today, and I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed if it weren't for my loving wife.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I haven't been open about myself in awhile and I felt it was time to give an update on me, my health, my state of mind. I'm just not doing well, everyone, I'm sorry.
Best of luck out there
I hope you can get some relief soon friend.
I really wish you the best of luck in any endeavor that you do take, even if it's something spontaneous like going camping.
As for the "no more donation" bit, I think that's a bit counterproductive for one's overall mental state. You need to silence the capitalist in your head.