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Life....
16 years ago
Well...too damn much has been happening lately, and very little of it is good right now.
I have managed to turn my entire would upside-down, which is never a good thing. I figure it was way passed due, considering the way my life and luck tend to work at least.
In the last two weeks I've managed to destroy a couple of friendships, and I don't know whether or not my personal relationship is going to continue much longer. The worst part, is that it all stems from me being an idiot. Go me!?
I'm not giving details here, they don't need to be known to those not involved, but I've ruined a great friendship that I will likely never get back. It's gone, I killed it. It's to the point where just my name is enough to get them all kinds of pissed off. It's a justified, I deserve every bit of it.
I fucked things up with my best friend too, and like I said, I may never get to see them again. At this point, I'm lucky I can even talk to them. I'm doing everything I can to fix that mess, but I have a feeling it's going to stay broken. All I can do is try to put a patch over and hope that it holds.
And my relationship, oi. It scares me right now. My mate means the world to me, and I'm honestly terrified that I'm going to lose her. I'm doing everything I can to keep her in my life, but in the end the choice isn't mine. I try to keep her close while she decides what she wants, but it hurts. I want her in my life, but I want her to be happy. It's been a long time since I've had this kind of conflict with myself, and honestly I don't know what choices I should make.
I hate the feeling of not having control. I've always had control of my life, I've made the decisions about what is happening. Right now though, I don't have that. I'm waiting on somebody else to decide what my future holds, and whether or not everything we've been planning up to now is even still in the picture.
<emo>
I spend a lot of time struggling with who I am. It has me sitting on the edge of a my terrible depressions more often that I want to admit. Regardless of how I look to my friends, I'm fighting with myself. With everything that is happening I'm lucky to be able to roll out of bed in the morning.
I drag myself through my days at work, trying to keep my mind filled with something other than the messes I've created. When I get home, my mind has nothing to do but race through everything that's happened, everything that could happen, and what is most likely to happen.
Considering who I am, I'm surprised that my body isn't covered in a million cuts right now. It's so tempting, and nobody would ever know unless I showed them. I love pain, in any form. I torment myself mentally because it's an awesome release, but right now all I'm getting is torment from my emotions and I need something else. My body hates me, so I can't work out, which is what I used for so many years when things got dark. There are only so many people that I can talk to, and most of them wouldn't understand. So I simply sit with everything that is happening, and let my mind destroy me. I let it consume who I am a little more every day, and I force myself to get out of bed. Eventually, I'm going to explode.
</emo>
Anyway...that's a quick rundown of my life, and that shit that I'm going through. Those that are involved know the hell that I'm putting them through, and I can't apologize enough for what I've done, and what it's doing to them. I just want it all to be resolved. I'm tired of hurting like this, with no way to release it. I'm tired of seeing my friends and my mate in pain because of what I've done.
I just want resolution. I just want my life back. I want them to have their lives back.
I have managed to turn my entire would upside-down, which is never a good thing. I figure it was way passed due, considering the way my life and luck tend to work at least.
In the last two weeks I've managed to destroy a couple of friendships, and I don't know whether or not my personal relationship is going to continue much longer. The worst part, is that it all stems from me being an idiot. Go me!?
I'm not giving details here, they don't need to be known to those not involved, but I've ruined a great friendship that I will likely never get back. It's gone, I killed it. It's to the point where just my name is enough to get them all kinds of pissed off. It's a justified, I deserve every bit of it.
I fucked things up with my best friend too, and like I said, I may never get to see them again. At this point, I'm lucky I can even talk to them. I'm doing everything I can to fix that mess, but I have a feeling it's going to stay broken. All I can do is try to put a patch over and hope that it holds.
And my relationship, oi. It scares me right now. My mate means the world to me, and I'm honestly terrified that I'm going to lose her. I'm doing everything I can to keep her in my life, but in the end the choice isn't mine. I try to keep her close while she decides what she wants, but it hurts. I want her in my life, but I want her to be happy. It's been a long time since I've had this kind of conflict with myself, and honestly I don't know what choices I should make.
I hate the feeling of not having control. I've always had control of my life, I've made the decisions about what is happening. Right now though, I don't have that. I'm waiting on somebody else to decide what my future holds, and whether or not everything we've been planning up to now is even still in the picture.
<emo>
I spend a lot of time struggling with who I am. It has me sitting on the edge of a my terrible depressions more often that I want to admit. Regardless of how I look to my friends, I'm fighting with myself. With everything that is happening I'm lucky to be able to roll out of bed in the morning.
I drag myself through my days at work, trying to keep my mind filled with something other than the messes I've created. When I get home, my mind has nothing to do but race through everything that's happened, everything that could happen, and what is most likely to happen.
Considering who I am, I'm surprised that my body isn't covered in a million cuts right now. It's so tempting, and nobody would ever know unless I showed them. I love pain, in any form. I torment myself mentally because it's an awesome release, but right now all I'm getting is torment from my emotions and I need something else. My body hates me, so I can't work out, which is what I used for so many years when things got dark. There are only so many people that I can talk to, and most of them wouldn't understand. So I simply sit with everything that is happening, and let my mind destroy me. I let it consume who I am a little more every day, and I force myself to get out of bed. Eventually, I'm going to explode.
</emo>
Anyway...that's a quick rundown of my life, and that shit that I'm going through. Those that are involved know the hell that I'm putting them through, and I can't apologize enough for what I've done, and what it's doing to them. I just want it all to be resolved. I'm tired of hurting like this, with no way to release it. I'm tired of seeing my friends and my mate in pain because of what I've done.
I just want resolution. I just want my life back. I want them to have their lives back.
Whatever is going on, I know you can pull through this. Don't let anybody 'decide your future' for you, no matter how close they are to you. In the end, you'll be the one living that future, with or without them. In the end, all you have is yourself. Might sound kind of egotistical, or harsh, but that's what I've come to realize. It hurts a lot, when things like this happen. I don't deny that. But don't let it consume you like it has been. That will get you nowhere but deeper into this hole. On the bright side, you're still alive. You have a job because you're still getting yourself out of bed every day to work. Whatever is going on, think about the really important things--like having a place to live, and keeping that job. It's no good if you're on the street relying on friends or unsavory people. You're going through a major depression right now, I can see that, but don't quit!!! Keep going to work and coming home. Distract yourself from what's going on and try to really think about what's going on in this turmoil. If your friends are really your friends, they'll know you care and will forgive you for whatever it is you've done. Maybe it isn't even your fault. Either way, if you need someone to talk to, about anything period, I'll be here. You're a wonderful, kind and deep person who I've had the privilege of getting to know and become friends with, and if anything happened to you, I'd be devastated.
Please keep in touch, and chin up, wolfie.
Much love, hugs, and best wishes!
I know what I have, and I've worked very hard to get it. I'm not every going to let that get away from me, and I don't just quit. I've considered it, oh how I've considered it. But that's just not me.
You always like to think that there is something that you have control of, but I really don't right now. The only choice I can really make right now is to endure the time of not knowing what's happening with my relationship or bring it to an end. Ending it isn't an option for me, so I'm waiting. Regardless of the outcome, I'll still have her as a friend, and I could never stop caring about her.
As for my friends, trust me, I'm at fault. I deserve everything that has happened so far as a result of my actions. I regret what I've done, but it's done. I'm trying to make the best of everything that is happening now, and hopefully I'll be able to get back most of what of what I have lost. I'll never be able to get it all back, but that won't stop me from trying.
We have shared a lot Jas, and it's always amazing to see who stands beside you when you need it the most. I won't do anything that would cause you to be devastated, it's just not my style.
Thank you fluffy, *hugs*, so much.
*pat on the back and a big hug* Gotta stay strong and pull through, can't let everything around you get you down. Fight those inner demons with all out courage and when the smoke clears you'll see a better you.
Stand strong brother!
I've fought through the demons before, and I've definitely become a better person for it. I'm just not the person that is out of control. I know what's happening, I know what's going on, and I make the choices. I'm at a loss here, and it hurts so much
Best thing that I've been shown that helps me is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uASVzkrEKgs
I'm trying not to pull more people into the problem, which is why I didn't mention names. If those that know what's going on read it, and want to speak they can, but I'm not pulling names here. That's why I haven't said much to people on IM about the situation. I've caused enough problems with this mess already.
I understand what ur going thru and I can help if you want me to Konner, Im very sorry for all that has been happening to u :(
I have never seen u like this, this is really serious, all those times you have been there for me and helped me out. Now it is my turn to return the favor Brother if you want me to. What can I do to help you?
Im sorry to hear about whats going on with Seraphina too D:
If there's anything I can do, anything at all Im here. *Hugs*
Also, Im sorry if all my troubles caused any pain. Im so sorry. *Holds tight*
I remember....you were so happy at AC, I can still see u smiling ever so brightly, I wanna try to heal and tend to those wounds of yours and close them up. If I can assist u in any way. Please let me know. Just the other night I told Bismarck that I really miss being with all of u, I was at Peace, calm, and Happy. I was happy with all of u around and no parents or siblings to keep me down. U guys dont know how much I miss you. I have a hunger, like a craving, to see u all again. And I'll never forget all ur Loving warm hugs when u dropped me off at my house, just remembering it makes me cry cuz I knew that I was back in Hell.
Please Konner, let me try to help u in any way possible to help get u and ur friend's Lives back.
So much has happened since AC, it all seems so long ago. I know what it's like to step out of something good, and into something that is complete misery.
For this, there is nothing you can do. There's nothing I can do except sit back and wait.
What can I say here I haven't already said to you a hundred times, baby? Stop blaming yourself for everything. We fucked shit up together, you didn't go at it alone and you know we. We will get through this shit, together. Just like we fucked it up in the first place but, that's one of the lovely ironies this relationship has held for us, no? Puppy, you know what I believe and don't you dare do what I do..
You promised me. Do not forget that you promised me, pup. Alright? I'm not going anywhere no matter what happens, ok? Yea, we dug a rather deep 65ft bottomless pit here but we will make a ladder and get out. I mean, we're already working towards that.
As for the stuff with your mate, I am still, in my mind, partially responsible for it and you know it. Don't deny it. I'm the one who forced your hand. So, I'm here for that too. I'm not going no where, no matter what happens or who says something else.
We will get this shit sorted out. My phone is always on, fuck hon, its 4:36 and we are still up, going on and on and on. 9 is the goal, right? We'll be up until our bodies can't take it anymore.
Just stay strong puppy. You're not alone. Honestly, I'm sure Darkki would understand if you showed up again, if you absolutely had to, if my voice isn't holding you over anymore with this situation. He's not a heartless bastard.
So please puppy, just stay strong. We are making progress, we really are. Small steps at a time but we are never alone in this. We have each other...