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some moping...
2 years ago
Had a reality check today...
It made me realize that everything I remember in my past is UNVERIFIABLE past me leaving university and joining the fandom in late 2004.
All I remember was being driven by "dominant milieu style parenting" to the point I could not control myself anymore and it got my Bi-polar so cycling that my parents were too afraid of me to live with them
They were once again told to charge me with "domestic violence" get a "restraining order" and give me up to the state or a group home at 19. Just like they did when i was 3 and couldn't hold a fork right.
My Lawyer/advocate that dealt with me through my foster care and the one that got me into 'real school' at 16 managed to negotiate "independent living support" so that I could get help moving on my own and things calmed down.
It cost me a career, a life, and a future though because a year later I resigned from university and never looked back because I'm not capable of handling the "canadian engineering curriculum"--when my average was 20 points below the current admission standard for the degree I partly studied under; and when studying and class time ensure I dont sleep eat or manage my "ADL" properly. There are only 168 hours in a week and I was pushing 124 dedicated only to school functions.
Everything else is unverifiable now maybe and including some of my professional work (though half of it "may" be behind the "national security" of 3 countries so I cant really talk about it and no one has ever given me the "lecture" about "stolen valor" so who knows )
I just realized this today after I made another social mistake... Though its been coming because I struggle with "long term memory issues" , PTSD and a bit of "disassociation" that has led to full-on short-term psychosis. Hell I may just be schitzophrenic who hasnt been treated for 30 years).
(and no one wants to assume the "professional liability" to sort my questions out, just chemically sedate and restrain me until I die in a nursing home when things get ugly)
Ive done nothing for 20 years of my life but hide behind a computer and do dead end jobs. When I turn 65 I will have no pension, and no legacy of history.
No wife, no kids, no money, no degree, no history or major discoveries, no published nothing.
Its like I never existed and there is nothing I can do about it.
When my aging parents die or are found "incompetent" and moved to long-term care. I too will be placed in a nursing home to live the rest of my life alone and in my crap filled diaper (that is only changed twice a day by gov 'allowance" rules) because I will have no resources to support myself beyond the inadequate ODSP (which ends at 65).
...This may be 5-6 years out given my parent's current path of prognosis.
Though its gonna be crappy having this happen. I do not plan on taking a medically assisted death anymore.
...But I dont know what else to do.
MY life has been a waste....
It made me realize that everything I remember in my past is UNVERIFIABLE past me leaving university and joining the fandom in late 2004.
All I remember was being driven by "dominant milieu style parenting" to the point I could not control myself anymore and it got my Bi-polar so cycling that my parents were too afraid of me to live with them
They were once again told to charge me with "domestic violence" get a "restraining order" and give me up to the state or a group home at 19. Just like they did when i was 3 and couldn't hold a fork right.
My Lawyer/advocate that dealt with me through my foster care and the one that got me into 'real school' at 16 managed to negotiate "independent living support" so that I could get help moving on my own and things calmed down.
It cost me a career, a life, and a future though because a year later I resigned from university and never looked back because I'm not capable of handling the "canadian engineering curriculum"--when my average was 20 points below the current admission standard for the degree I partly studied under; and when studying and class time ensure I dont sleep eat or manage my "ADL" properly. There are only 168 hours in a week and I was pushing 124 dedicated only to school functions.
Everything else is unverifiable now maybe and including some of my professional work (though half of it "may" be behind the "national security" of 3 countries so I cant really talk about it and no one has ever given me the "lecture" about "stolen valor" so who knows )
I just realized this today after I made another social mistake... Though its been coming because I struggle with "long term memory issues" , PTSD and a bit of "disassociation" that has led to full-on short-term psychosis. Hell I may just be schitzophrenic who hasnt been treated for 30 years).
(and no one wants to assume the "professional liability" to sort my questions out, just chemically sedate and restrain me until I die in a nursing home when things get ugly)
Ive done nothing for 20 years of my life but hide behind a computer and do dead end jobs. When I turn 65 I will have no pension, and no legacy of history.
No wife, no kids, no money, no degree, no history or major discoveries, no published nothing.
Its like I never existed and there is nothing I can do about it.
When my aging parents die or are found "incompetent" and moved to long-term care. I too will be placed in a nursing home to live the rest of my life alone and in my crap filled diaper (that is only changed twice a day by gov 'allowance" rules) because I will have no resources to support myself beyond the inadequate ODSP (which ends at 65).
...This may be 5-6 years out given my parent's current path of prognosis.
Though its gonna be crappy having this happen. I do not plan on taking a medically assisted death anymore.
...But I dont know what else to do.
MY life has been a waste....
inflatablepretztail101
~inflatablepretztail101
*hugs you and squeaks sadly* ;w;
