there's a solemn catharsis to going through a dead person's belongings. i guess i'm mourning.

my grandma died last christmas, and i wasn't there to do much or even go to her funeral. i'm not really close to any of my family- they've all caused me some level of trauma and only a handful of them even approve of my art/interests. my grandma was decent to me tho at least.

tayoh and i picked up two boxes of her knitting supplies while helping my mom empty her house, because my mom and brother didn't care about them and we do enjoy crafty things like that, even if i've never actually learned knitting or crochet or anything. i've recently started going through it more thoroughly- untangling knots (of which there are many- like... you would not BELIEVE how big some of the tangles are) and sorting the various colors of yarn so we can keep track of what we have better. it feels good to organize things and give them a purpose again, but i can't help but mourn all the little unfinished projects that now will NEVER be finished, because the plan for them was purely in my grandma's head and she's gone.

- one and a half purple mittens, clearly sized for a child. did someone grow too fast or did her hands/eyes fail her before she could give it to them?

- a rectangle with multiple colors making the appearance of a person- was it going to be a sweater or a blanket? is the figure supposed to be someone specific? who?

- so many long, scarf-like pieces. maybe they were scarves, but they could have been the start of blankets or sweaters too. were they gifts, or for herself? maybe it was nothing at all- just something she did to keep her hands busy.

- several bulk orders of yarn that haven't even been opened- was it just a really good deal or did she have plans for so much yarn of one color that she just never got around to?

- and some yarn that i actually recognize from a blanket she DID make for me... and some small scraps that are so small they make me wonder if she started only to find out that the person she was making it for didn't want it.

all i can do is guess. maybe these things were left unfinished because she didn't care about them, or got a better idea that she did finish. maybe they became too challenging, or she became too frail. i'll never know who they were for, why she started them, or why she didn't finish them. so many of them i can't even hope to finish because i don't know what they were supposed to be. i can't even see what she DID finish, except the few things she gifted to me when she was alive, because they were mostly gifts for other people who i'm not in contact with and/or were not sentimental enough to keep them.

i feel like i'm freeing her spirit from the yarn as i untangle it, honoring her by ensuring it still has a purpose and won't go to waste or be discarded. not that i believe in ghosts or souls at all, that's just how it feels.

i can't help but wonder if anyone will feel this way going through my things when i die, wondering what each random knicknack meant to me, finding their own joy in things that i had treasured. especially all the digital art wips on my computer- will anyone see that stuff at all, or will they just wipe my harddrive and reinstall windows without a second thought? will i be missed? will people care about these things i've collected, that i cared about, or will they just see it as junk to pawn? will they see the art i've made and wonder how i felt when i made it, be impressed, or will they just go 'lol why'd she bother, this sucks'?

i'll never know, just like grandma will never know how much effort i put into keeping her projects intact and untangling all her knots just so her yarn might still be turned into something beautiful.