so early this month i travld down to miami for religues resons which was an expirence in its self but not realy the reson that im writing the reason is that shortly after on my way back my friends and i went and payed or respects to a friend who 5 years ago this month decided that he should use a permnant solution for a tempory problem and like we do when we need to go numb we go get compleatly fucked up on booze and other things and it was in this stupore that had me laying fetal in my house that i started to ask my self what is the fucking point of any of this..our friend did him self becous some bitch used him and he couldnt deal with the pain so what do we that are left be hind do,,,we follow his exaple and every year that day we kill our selves a little at a time becouse like him we cant deal with the loss no mater how long has passed we still cant come to terms with it. and although im hardly what ine would call a junky out side booze and the ocasional bowl every year i see my self geting a bit worse that day as i put my self on the brink of o,d and look over one more time in to the darkness that lies beyond that despite every thing is so inviting that i almost just take that last step over the edge,,and as i look around me i can see that my other friends are almost there as well ,,not quite but close and although we joke about whiny emos and that its the most retarded thing in the world to say hey life sucks people piss me off and im numb so ill cut my self and we say if you numb and pissed off go get laid or beat the ever loving shit out of some one which in reality is how weve basicly lived and to which i can atest is well ,,a very sadistic life all the way through and brings only sick satisfaction by spreading the virus of hate and laothing and depression and deprssion, what are we doing if not following the cuters example in self distruction ,,,sure we might not be using a blade but when you look at it and do it long enough you begin to see evry line to be a razor,, evr bottle to be a club and evry smoking pipe and needle to be as good as a gun just begging to be put to your head .and its as i think on this ,my rambligs writen for all who care or just have a passing intrest to read that i relize ,, im tired and i think ill take a nap now and keep going tommorow,

peace