Nah. There are too many cool things in the universe that I still want to see.

It happened to me before. But with support from my family and friends I started to feel better. So I hope you feel better too man

Sometimes, when I'm really tired of the daily grind or a project at work is just going on and on. Usually that's also when I haven't been giving myself enough sleep - staying up late trying to fix things and waking up early for whatever reasons.

I also sometimes wish I had superpowers or a winning lottery ticket to fix things, or that whatever's getting me down were complete, which are more pleasant to indulge, but still I worry about the performance review at the end of the year, so even those still need keeping an eye out for.

For any of that, I take a deep breath, a mental step back, and remember that I've been through depression, and reflect on what's bringing those thoughts on this time, try to write the reasons on paper and try to look for what's objective and what's just colour, discuss them with someone if writing then down doesn't help by itself. Sometimes listing the good things and people I'd impact helps. Sometimes trying to help other people helps.

I wrote a bunch of other stuff down... maybe it'll help: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8892077/

Almost two years ago I hurt a lot of people. These were people I use to call my friends. With months to gain their trust, I lost them in only a matter of hours because of my selfish ways. These people trusted me and I spat in their faces.

It has not been that long since it happened, but I can't move on. That day lingers in the back of my head, reminding me just how much of a loser I was, and still am. I vowed to never let it happen again and would do my best to learn from my mistakes. I'm ashamed to say that nothing has changed.

Today I learned that I'm still the very same two-faced scumbag who only cares about himself. Ideally, I want people to leave me alone. I'm afraid of hurting them like I did the rest. I can't help but feel obligated to interact with the people who like and support me, so I do, despite being afraid. I'm afraid of making the same mistake on a grander scale. If that ever happened again, I might as well just die, since the pain would be too great.

For the past year I've been doing everything I could to improve myself. So when I hear that I'm exactly the same person I was before, I can't help but feel worthless.

I'm pretty sure you didn't actually spit in their faces. You let them down somehow - seems unlikely it'd be anything practical like stealing with do many folks involved...

The second time - You write that you *hear* you've upset those folks, so that sounds more like they've decided you betrayed them while you're not there - is this some online group?

Online groups can be a very special case in social groupings - they can be great, but they can easily be as toxic as bad sororities and fraternities in equally bad US late teen college angst.

The first thing is to determine whether you're guilty of anything more then a poor choice of social group, in which case you need to forgive them and move on, but let's say they were nice...

If someone did the same thing to you, I'd give you the same advice I'll give you now: forgive. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone is leaning, and unforgiveness - of others or of the self - hurts the grudge-holder far more than any victimisation. I let folks down without wanting to. Forgiveness is an act of the will, not some fuzzy feeling. Forgiving lets you move on to try to make restitution, to find out how to move beyond it.

There's an underlying issue - work on that. It's not that you're a loser - that's maudlin post-hoc thinking. Shame is only useful if it helps you improve, otherwise it's self-indulgence. What led you to do whatever it was? It sounds like it may have been selfish, but there must have been a reward for you - the collateral damage presumably wasn't your primary intention.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't face any consequences - it means that the consequences can be aimed at resolving things and improving rather than... well, rather than holding grudges and becoming bitter and harming the offended.

Maybe one day I'll find the answer. Thank you for taking the time to say something.

Everyone screws up. Often repeatedly, and often in similar ways. This doesn't excuse bad behaviour, but it doesn't mean it's irredeemable, either. The fact that you feel bad about this is already indicative that you want to change, just realize that it's not always as easy as just saying you want to change and you know it's wrong. There's often very deep underlying issues that cause these behaviours that can be extremely hard to understand or get to the root of to correct them.

So yeah, honestly, you probably should feel bad, but the fact that you do feel bad is a good thing. It means you don't have to always be like that, and there's a desire to correct your mistakes, and that's the important part mostly. It sucks to realize something you'd hoped you'd changed would be fixed and it hasn't been yet, but that's the key word there: "yet." It's not fixed YET.

Keep in mind that if you were to poof and vanish, die or whatever, then that's all you would have done, too. You would have done something terrible, and never have paid it back. You'd have been a net negative contributor, assuming this is what you assume to be true. If you continue on, you have the capacity to at least try to become a net positive. As such, from a logical standpoint, you kinda need to keep going.

To give a bit better idea, I have more than enough bad things I've done in my past, and still have various issues I've yet to figure out how to fully fix. Most of the negative stuff is mostly under control after many years of trying to improve, but there are still some issues that I'm still not actually sure how to improve on and it's a frustrating situation to not be sure of how to even make progress on such.

Yeah, I'd like to just disappear sometimes. Pretty often, in fact. Suicidal thoughts show up pretty frequently, bouts of depression, you name it. But... I also have come to accept (mostly anyway) that if I call it quits early, then I'm ending things at the point of where it's mostly the negative things I've done in life that are present, when it's the later parts of life where I've learned to become a better person that are the parts that will be sacrificed. This isn't really a good tradeoff no matter how one looks at it.

I mean, you know me at least somewhat well enough to know I do try to help people out as best I can, and yeah, a lot of that is from guilt and trying to make up for past mistakes, but it's kind of a good thing too. After all, a good person isn't someone who's innocent, who never knew malice or bad intent to begin with, that's just someone who can't grasp the concept of good or evil or whatever. It's not a decision to do good. You kind of have to have some sort of inner demons to deal with, something bad to be actively good, because if you have no dark side to fight off, then you aren't "being" good, you're just lacking evil, which isn't the same thing.

Pretty much all the most wonderful, kindest, and best people I've ever known have had some pretty horrific dark secrets in their pasts that they're still trying to atone for, but... that may actually be part of the key towards being the best kind of person, is having seen firsthand what it's like to be harmed, or to be the one doing the harm, so that you recognize the harm and can make it your purpose to make up for that harm. Someone who doesn't feel guilt may, at best, try to even out the damage, or just remain neutral, but someone who feels guilt tends to actively try to go out of their way to make the world a better place to do far more than just break even, and to try to make things better overall because of their existence.

It doesn't mean you will always succeed, or that you won't make a mistake again. It doesn't even mean you won't make the SAME mistake again, because there's obviously an underlying reason for why you did it in the first place, and if you don't understand why you did it originally, you're probably not going to be able to solve it, either. So... focus on figuring out why you do the things you do, what caused that mistake to occur, and what you can do in the future to prevent it from happening again AFTER you do that. Because until you do those first steps, you can't put in the fixes, and you can't be a better person if you don't know how. And unfortunately... it's not always easy to understand why we do the things we do. It turns out the brain is an obscenely complex piece of machinery, with many layers running at the same time, often in contradiction to one another, or with hidden parts we're not even aware of.

As stated though, it takes time and effort, and a willingness to try to fix things, to be able to improve. And you'll never be perfect anyway, but you can move closer towards perfection over time. If you disappear early, then all you had was the points in your life where you were at your worst, and you give up the parts where you were at your best, so again, this isn't good even on a conceptual level. If you want to make the world a better place, or to make up for mistakes made, then it's going to have to require that you keep going. Even if it really sucks.

From what I've personally seen of you though, you seem like overall a good person. I haven't seen anything to the contrary. I'm sure that's not publicly facing though, and obviously no one is perfect, so it'd be silly to say blindly that you're a good person because I honestly don't know that. All I can say on that is that you have shown yourself to at least try to be good the times I've seen you, and you clearly show remorse for whatever it is you've done now and two years ago, but it seems less that you're the same person being awful, so much as you haven't figured out how not to fall to some part of your psychology you don't understand how to work around yet.

The thing is, most people don't even try. We all have flaws. Most aren't even attempting to face their problems and resolve them, they just hide them and wait until it blows up yet again and then go back to ignoring it all over again. I can't promise you that you will guaranteed be able to overcome whatever issues you have, only that you're obviously trying to do so somehow at least. And that already is a huge step beyond most people, and if you deserve to die, and we go in order of people who should, then we've got an awfully long list to go through before we get to you, on the scale of "the largest genocide in history" levels of a lineup.

So yeah, I understand the fear, and the concerns, but also keep in mind that if you shut yourself off entirely from everyone, then that also hurts them passively, if at a smaller, lower rate, and they don't get the benefits either of the good parts of you to go with it. This makes it a smaller negative, but it's still a net negative because you've largely removed the positive aspects to go with it.

So again, the solution is not to disappear, but to keep striving to better yourself, even if you're not necessarily sure how to do that. Keep trying to provide a positive into the lives of others, even if there may be negatives that get added as well, just try to make sure there's more total positive than negative.

I'd like to say you can just at some point become a perfect person and never screw up again and never hurt anyone ever, but that's not really possible without a lobotomy and that also kinda precludes any possibility for being a positive again. Unfortunately... what makes us individuals at all in the first place is the fact that we deviate from perfection. If everyone were perfect, we'd all be identical. It's our flaws that make us who we are in the first place. This doesn't mean you should just accept that you're flawed and leave it that way, you should still try to improve upon those flaws, but it does mean the acceptance that you aren't perfect and it's the striving to reach closer to perfection that's largely what makes you a good person, rather than the actually having attained it part. The more you try to improve, the better, just don't get too defeatist when it becomes clear that there will always be more distance to go, more improvements to be made, that you will never actually reach the end goal of being perfect. As long as there is improvement though, and as much as you can manage, and that you are either providing the net positive, or at least moving in the direction of a better ratio of positive to negative than you currently are, that's really all that can be asked for in the here and now, and it's substantially better than most people in the world have to offer.

I just wish my back pain would dissapear

Everyday

How do you cope?

I just learned to ignore these thoughts. Some days are... fine. For the most part that is. I can be productive and enjoy most of my day. Some days are really hard and I am miserable, it feels impossible.

Having friends helps, though I'm kinda bad at this one. Keeping yourself busy is a big one too. The less your mind is free to wander places, the better.

Oh and all this is with me being on medication for depression. Without my medication I can tell you I was a lot more miserable than I am now, even though I was really hesitant on starting them. If ya need anything feel free to message me.

You're not afraid of taking that medication? Even after knowing it won't solve all your problems?

It makes it better. It doesn't solve everything but it's helped me quite a bit. I don't understand this argument. There's no negatives to it (except for the first one or two weeks). I don't see why I'd stop.

For me, medication helped me out of following the mental habits, that lead to the same treadmill of self-reinforcing thoughts. A bit like how sheep tracks on the moor get worn in over time, as each animal takes the easy path - eventually there only is the one path.
Anti-depression pills don't change who you are - they help flood the landscape, smooth out the habits, so your real unconstrained self, your truer self, can roam freely, forming more helpful habits.

Oh my goodness no! Don’t disappear!

:< I hope that whatever's troubling you will pass quickly. -leezord hug-

I don't know what's troubling you so much that it prompted you to ask this, but I hope that it passes and you feel better soon.

This is a rather constant struggle for me as well, mostly just because of how disconnected I feel from a lot of people like friends and what not. In essence, sometimes I feel like me disappearing would make little form of difference to the world at large. But still, I know in some way that I still have meaning here thanks to family and what friends I do have...knowing that I have that can keep me going well enough, even if at times those thoughts cry out from the back of my mind.

Quite a bit. Life is so confusing and frustrating and exhausting, and I usually feel like I'm either useless or just burdening people and wasting their time and energy... everything feels very much like my own fault, but I just don't know how to fix anything if I even can at this point. It's not like I'm contributing anything meaningful to the world by being here.

Hey, I don't know what's going on with you but you're welcome to note me and chat.
~Wolve

Yeah, I've had a good few terrible experiences of my life thats made me really not want to be around anymore.

But I know theres people that would miss my being around so I stay to not hurt them. No matter what happens in my life theres always tomorrow, and it may bring something better then whats brought me down.

Besides rome wasn't built in a day, it will always take time for things to get better. Sometimes one just has to be patient is all.

I hope whatevers ailing you, the words people have said here make you feel better, theres always more people who care then one might know.