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Mental Health: Depression, Burnout, and the Long Road to ...
2 years ago
tl;dr - Depression and burnout have absolutely wrecked me over the last three to four months, but I’m getting help.
I’ve been debating on whether to write a journal like this at all or not. I know this is a place where a lot of people go to get away from real–world issues and I don’t want to deprive anyone of their relaxation. However, given that I’m allegedly still doing commissions and have shown almost nothing for the last several months, I feel I owe it to everyone (including myself) to explain the situation.
Shortly after FWA, I was laid off. Again. For the second time in six months. That absolutely destroyed me, since I genuinely thought I had a unique opportunity to do something with my career. Since then, I’ve had days where I’ve struggled to find reasons to get out of bed. Given that I didn’t have a job and didn’t have a reason to believe anyone wanted to offer me a job, it was logical. Unproductive, but logical. I’ve barely put any effort into a job search over the last three months and, while my emergency funds will last a couple more months, it’s getting a bit sketchy. Especially since the longer you’re out of work the harder it is to find work because fuck you, I guess.
That same apathy and lethargy has seeped into a lot of other things as well. Hobbies have been neglected. Chores, too. Unfortunately, that’s also influenced my writing habits quite a bit, as evidenced by the near–total lack of streams over the last month and uploads over the last few months. It sucks, since I know people actually want to read my writing. They want to enjoy what I write for them, in a variety of ways. They have enough faith in my abilities to give me money to create things for them. And yet… it’s just not been happening, and that feeling of neglect for so many things has been on a downward spiral.
Perhaps the worst spike of depression was in the week after two extremely close friends visited in mid-August. I was so, so happy that week. Happiness that I don’t think I’ve experienced in a long time. And yet, once they left… I really had nothing left to look forward to again. No reason to get out of bed in the morning. Nobody around to give me a comforting hug. Nobody to help with things around the lair, or to just do random silly little things with because they make us all happy. I was alone. Completely, utterly alone. And, well, I kinda broke.
I mostly held it together through the weekend after they left, but on Monday and Tuesday of that week, I just stopped functioning. I roughly managed to muddle my way out of bed on Monday but got nothing of substance accomplished. Tuesday, after a psychiatrist visit, I curled back up in bed for the entire day. I felt incapable of even trying to interact with another creature. During that time, just three people reached out to check on me. The first offered reassurances and gentle support for whenever I was ready to accept them. The second was (understandably) panicking, as they’d had a vague sense of how depressed I’d been and worried I’d self–harmed. The third… well, they seemed to have been angrier about being ‘ghosted’ than they were concerned about me. I’ve barely spoken with that last person since then. How do you even respond to someone who gets mad at you for being so depressed you can’t talk with them?
Between that meltdown and the slow downward slide of things over the last many months, I’ve been given a much higher dose of antidepressants and have been starting to talk with a therapist. It’s probably stuff I needed to do six months ago. Maybe even a year and a half ago, given how apathetic I’d been towards the job I held at the time. But at least I’m doing it now. One doctor already has noted the correlation between my increasing doses of estrogen and worsening depression, which… well, I guess teenage girls also have high rates of depression and I’ve opted-in to Puberty 2.0™ as part of gender–affirming therapy. I definitely do not regret any part of being on HRT, but the psychiatrist has noted it’s probably medically relevant, even if only to justify more decisive intervention on the mental health side.
So yeah, that’s where I’ve been. I’ve felt like I’m in a pit, only occasionally finding the energy to pull my head out. Finding the energy to do anything more than survive has been extremely challenging. Hopefully between the psychiatrist, the therapist, and being willing to talk about my mental health, some answers can be found. Even if that answer is just having more people to lean on and be emotionally supported by.
So, what does this mean for my writing?
• I’m going to try get the remaining items in my queue sorted out. I’ll be posting an updated queue on Monday to have a public record of where my projects stand.
• For new work, I’m going to create and communicate ‘reasonable’ deadlines. These will probably be very pessimistic estimates at first, but just having a due date on the calendar is useful for forcing me to do things.
• I’m going to start doing “Fast Fiction Fridays” on Picarto/Piczel to build momentum via shorter projects. In-stream commissions for minifiction (500-700 words) and microfiction (150-200 words) will be available for immediate completion. Because if my brain’s going to get distracted by ooh shiny! I may as well leverage that.
• I may start a Patreon/SubscribeStar page for recurring support, possibly with a slight discount for people who commit to getting a short commission each month. I’ve no intention of paywalling my writing at this time, though. At most, I’d consider early access. But I’d rather just share it with y’all, since this community has been so great to me over the decades.
So if you want a commission from me, please feel free to ask. I’ll probably make a big announcement about openings within the next two weeks once I’ve gotten things back in order. However, if you’d like to beat the rush, feel free to complete the commission form now and I’ll look at it early next week. Consider this link a little bonus for having read all the way through this journal.
And hey, more generally: Tell your friends you care. Just drop in to check on them. Give them a hug, in person if you can. Even a small gesture of kindness, made sincerely and without expectation, can mean everything to someone who’s struggling. A lot of people suffer in silence because it’s taboo to talk about mental health things like this and they may need that kindness more than you’ll ever know.
Posted using PostyBirb
I’ve been debating on whether to write a journal like this at all or not. I know this is a place where a lot of people go to get away from real–world issues and I don’t want to deprive anyone of their relaxation. However, given that I’m allegedly still doing commissions and have shown almost nothing for the last several months, I feel I owe it to everyone (including myself) to explain the situation.
Shortly after FWA, I was laid off. Again. For the second time in six months. That absolutely destroyed me, since I genuinely thought I had a unique opportunity to do something with my career. Since then, I’ve had days where I’ve struggled to find reasons to get out of bed. Given that I didn’t have a job and didn’t have a reason to believe anyone wanted to offer me a job, it was logical. Unproductive, but logical. I’ve barely put any effort into a job search over the last three months and, while my emergency funds will last a couple more months, it’s getting a bit sketchy. Especially since the longer you’re out of work the harder it is to find work because fuck you, I guess.
That same apathy and lethargy has seeped into a lot of other things as well. Hobbies have been neglected. Chores, too. Unfortunately, that’s also influenced my writing habits quite a bit, as evidenced by the near–total lack of streams over the last month and uploads over the last few months. It sucks, since I know people actually want to read my writing. They want to enjoy what I write for them, in a variety of ways. They have enough faith in my abilities to give me money to create things for them. And yet… it’s just not been happening, and that feeling of neglect for so many things has been on a downward spiral.
Perhaps the worst spike of depression was in the week after two extremely close friends visited in mid-August. I was so, so happy that week. Happiness that I don’t think I’ve experienced in a long time. And yet, once they left… I really had nothing left to look forward to again. No reason to get out of bed in the morning. Nobody around to give me a comforting hug. Nobody to help with things around the lair, or to just do random silly little things with because they make us all happy. I was alone. Completely, utterly alone. And, well, I kinda broke.
I mostly held it together through the weekend after they left, but on Monday and Tuesday of that week, I just stopped functioning. I roughly managed to muddle my way out of bed on Monday but got nothing of substance accomplished. Tuesday, after a psychiatrist visit, I curled back up in bed for the entire day. I felt incapable of even trying to interact with another creature. During that time, just three people reached out to check on me. The first offered reassurances and gentle support for whenever I was ready to accept them. The second was (understandably) panicking, as they’d had a vague sense of how depressed I’d been and worried I’d self–harmed. The third… well, they seemed to have been angrier about being ‘ghosted’ than they were concerned about me. I’ve barely spoken with that last person since then. How do you even respond to someone who gets mad at you for being so depressed you can’t talk with them?
Between that meltdown and the slow downward slide of things over the last many months, I’ve been given a much higher dose of antidepressants and have been starting to talk with a therapist. It’s probably stuff I needed to do six months ago. Maybe even a year and a half ago, given how apathetic I’d been towards the job I held at the time. But at least I’m doing it now. One doctor already has noted the correlation between my increasing doses of estrogen and worsening depression, which… well, I guess teenage girls also have high rates of depression and I’ve opted-in to Puberty 2.0™ as part of gender–affirming therapy. I definitely do not regret any part of being on HRT, but the psychiatrist has noted it’s probably medically relevant, even if only to justify more decisive intervention on the mental health side.
So yeah, that’s where I’ve been. I’ve felt like I’m in a pit, only occasionally finding the energy to pull my head out. Finding the energy to do anything more than survive has been extremely challenging. Hopefully between the psychiatrist, the therapist, and being willing to talk about my mental health, some answers can be found. Even if that answer is just having more people to lean on and be emotionally supported by.
So, what does this mean for my writing?
• I’m going to try get the remaining items in my queue sorted out. I’ll be posting an updated queue on Monday to have a public record of where my projects stand.
• For new work, I’m going to create and communicate ‘reasonable’ deadlines. These will probably be very pessimistic estimates at first, but just having a due date on the calendar is useful for forcing me to do things.
• I’m going to start doing “Fast Fiction Fridays” on Picarto/Piczel to build momentum via shorter projects. In-stream commissions for minifiction (500-700 words) and microfiction (150-200 words) will be available for immediate completion. Because if my brain’s going to get distracted by ooh shiny! I may as well leverage that.
• I may start a Patreon/SubscribeStar page for recurring support, possibly with a slight discount for people who commit to getting a short commission each month. I’ve no intention of paywalling my writing at this time, though. At most, I’d consider early access. But I’d rather just share it with y’all, since this community has been so great to me over the decades.
So if you want a commission from me, please feel free to ask. I’ll probably make a big announcement about openings within the next two weeks once I’ve gotten things back in order. However, if you’d like to beat the rush, feel free to complete the commission form now and I’ll look at it early next week. Consider this link a little bonus for having read all the way through this journal.
And hey, more generally: Tell your friends you care. Just drop in to check on them. Give them a hug, in person if you can. Even a small gesture of kindness, made sincerely and without expectation, can mean everything to someone who’s struggling. A lot of people suffer in silence because it’s taboo to talk about mental health things like this and they may need that kindness more than you’ll ever know.
Posted using PostyBirb
Did you know you can support me on SubscribeStar Adult? 
TheWonderingCanine
~thewonderingcanine
hoping for the best for you <3
Goddess-Violet
~goddess-violet
As someone who has been extremely capital-D depressed for the past... I wanna say ten years, almost? Yeah. It's rough. I know what you're going through. I hate it. I wish I had anything more helpful to say or do. So instead, I shall give you some e-hugs. All of the e-hugs. E-hugs for days.
itchigo-icetalons
~itchigo-icetalons
*big hugs*
