I'm very tired.
My life is very heavy right now. So I'm gonna vent and get some things off my shoulders so that I can try and relax with what's left of my day.

I miss my bf. We live so far apart and just never get to hear each other's voices. He says he's giving me space, but I've said on lots of occasions that I like it when people keep in touch, because I feel like I'm important enough to be noticed. I know right now I haven't been overly communicative myself, but it's partly because I feel ignored, so it's probably a which came first scenario, but I'm just emotionally tired from this and a lot of other things so it's been hard to push for anything.
I miss not worrying about money every moment of every day. I want this sword hanging over me gone where I can just relax without feeling like I NEED to relax and distract myself from money woes.
I miss being not worried about speaking my mind. Some people in my life I try my best to not step on toes or make upset, even when some things are done that irk me or that I'd mentioned before to please keep in consideration of me and my feelings. And if I bring it up, it upsets them and I feel like the bad guy. Every time.
I miss being able to go through days without feeling like "Is this the moment that I start to have random thoughts about something that will make me anxious?". Those have happened before. I'm fine, I'm fine, then a random intrusive thought comes in and now I'm anxious about something that logically I know is fine or that I have a solution for, but since I'm usually at work, I can't address it or step away to calm down and instead sit there worried that everyone around me has "Ryo-senses" and can immediately tell that I'm anxious, unfit for my position, or something like that, and that gets me more anxious.
I miss feeling like I have free time. I know I do. I really do. But with all my anxiety and such, I spend time trying to get my mind off things so I can enjoy the things I love without the shadow of worry, and by the time that's done, I'm out of time.
I miss being just positive and carefree in an effortless way. I am by default still pretty positive and helpful and loving and all, but some days I just want to wallow in my fears and have someone take care of me... and I just don't feel like people in my life can actually do that for me. Be it distance or their own mental issues, I don't have someone who can reliably hug me and say "It'll be okay."

This is just a big vent. My life isn't in shambles or anything, but there are just some days and times that I want to be home, curled up under my covers in bed and just wish that my problems would go away, or that someone would at least come in and take my hand and give me the love that I feel for others. It's selfish and I should be happy with those I have in my life and I shouldn't be upset that people can't help me out of the situation I landed myself in, but at the same time I just... I feel so alone right now.
I can have people virtually telling me that it'll be okay and that they're here for me, but... something inside me can't accept them as much more than just words. I know people mean it. They may even be upset that they cannot help. But I just... feel... so alone. I've helped others lots, both irl and online, financially and emotionally... and I feel like my emotional bank withdrawals exceed my deposits, so to speak.

Again, this is a vent, it's not even very coherent and logical and I know much of this is in my own head and all, but I just really, really needed to get this out there so I could get it off my chest and mind and move forward. Thanks everyone for listening, I do truly love you all and big hugs for everyone, everyone who's helped me, given me their love and support and blessed my life with their existences. I wouldn't change anything because it led me to knowing all the people in my life that I love and cherish. It just gets hard sometimes and I need to scream into the void.
*big hugs and love for everyone*