It's been quite the doozy of a year, hasn't it?

As I've mentioned before, I've been working on strengthening my relationship with God. I still have a long ways to go, but I've made it further up that mountain than I've thought. One of the biggest hurdles that I still lack the wisdom to understand is the whole thing with the LGBT. Maybe I'll never understand it. Since Jesus gave up everything for our sake, it's only fair that I make some sacrifices too.

It's been really hard, but I want to do better. I'm not a Catholic because it would be easy. It takes a lot of active effort to break out of my old habits. I keep lapsing back into them, and I have to constantly remind myself to do better. I won't be doing any more adult art or writing—hence why my uploads have pretty much stopped. My strong libido is closely entwined with my creativity, and it keeps devolving into sex. It's been so frustrating trying to make something decent, but the horny constantly tries to pull me back in.

There are so many facets that I need to work on, but if I tried to tackle them all at once, I'd surely go bonkers. Baby steps. Need to get a good enough foothold before I attempt the next step. I have doubts about myself, and I'm not sure if I can truly make it to the top of this mountain on my own. It would be easier if I didn't have free will, but then would the sacrifice even be meaningful if I didn't have a choice?

I've been feeling a presence by my side a lot lately. I'm somewhat sensitive to energies, or whatever you may call them. Don't know if it's an angel; Jesus; or simply my imagination, but it has been a comforting presence. I don't feel so alone. I frequently ponder who or what it is, but I can gleam nothing beyond the sensation that someone is in my room with me.

For years, I've beaten myself up. I've mentally stabbed daggers through my heart, and relentlessly bludgeoned myself in my mind. It happened so often, it became a reflex, where I'd just do it for the sake of doing it. Several days ago I realized I haven't been doing it. The automatic reflex still vaguely persists, but there's no real fight left in it. I think it used to be a near daily thing for me, and I would have to actively restrain it. After I wholeheartedly embarked on this spiritual journey, that inner demon was gone and I didn't even notice right away. It wasn't until that old lingering muscle memory tried to kick in, and there was nothing left behind it, that I realized I had stopped fighting myself.

My family has always been rather lax with the Catholicism, save for my older sister who went into it really hard after getting married. I was never the one to go that gung-ho over religion, but maybe I was wrong, and there's really something there to which needs to be paid more attention. I don't know how far I'll make it up that mountain, but I need to try my best.

I imagine I may get some kind of backlash for this post—it comes with being a Catholic, but I'm not hating on anybody. This is my journey, and maybe it'll inspire someone else's spirituality too.

Much love to you all.