Hello people. Something has been bothering me and I feel that I have to vent out lingering thoughts. This is something I wrote on paper last month while in KJCC when I couldn't take it anymore and I balled it up. For future reference, I don't say these things just to whine but to express the way I feel and maybe someone can help me understand or find an answer because I'm always looking to better myself as a person as well as an artist.

It's hard for me to identify the appearance I give or whatever it is I do that cause people to treat me the way they do.
manipulation, hypocrisy (saying one thing, acting like they can relate but then change up making excuses for them and trying to make me feel guilty for not understanding), dominating and treating me like a child.
I don't feel that I relate to anyone in this world (not even family). Have you ever asked yourself or wondered if your family were just people out on the street that you meet, would they care for you the same?

People play with my emotions, my feelings.
Test me, try me, say they care then turn their backs.

Can't talk to councilor, teachers, etc... because they are all the same. They tell me the same thing but don't know. They just do what they are paid to do.

Life sucks for me because what I seek in life is either a ferry tale or has died a long time ago.

In the media and in all forms of communication to inform, people put up rules and laws saying how the world should be, saying how it "IS" when nobody follows them or take them serious. It seems as though I'm the only person alive who lives by them and think the world, somewhere it is the way it should be but I have been proven wrong all the time. Its too late for me to change and I don't want to become like these people who cheat, steal, and do everything to get ahead accept help one another through the kindness of their hearts and not just to get something in return.
Maybe I'm crazy or mentally ill, either way, I don't see myself fitting in with the world this lifetime.

I'm just too tame, I feel greatly restricted like there are barriers keeping me from expressing my feelings whether it's love or anger.
Like a muzzle used for a canine,
my tongue is dull and my teeth gone.
Like a domestic animal,
I feel that I haven't an aggressive bone in my flimsy body. This is the reason I ban myself from the world, why I stay away, to prevent the never ending cycle of having to fight. I feel that it is my curse to have been born male as males are expected to be strong and unbreakable. I come no where near it.
No one takes me seriously, no one respects me enough to stand with me when things get tough and the odds are against me. It's like my thoughts, my voice doesn't matter to anyone unless they are payed to listen.
What is god's plan for me? What is my purpose? How do I begin to understand and live how I was meant to. Or was I ever meant to live in peace. It's all I ever want. I don't bother anybody yet they come to me bringing nothing but lies, deceit, grief, and more pain. How do I become strong? Why weren't these crazy trials handed to someone who's physically and mentally capable or has the potential of success. I don't know who's wrong or who's right but everyday I go through the same things no matter where I go or what I decide to do. I just can't win. The stupid games the whole world is caught up in. The false images of good on this world and the persecutions of hypocrite who judge when the first people to pass judgment or rules are the ones doing wrong.
I go through the same cycles all my life and if I can't find an answer to my problem, I fear that one day, I'll lose it, become some crazy psycho killer to those who does anything wrong to me. But then when I react and in the end, I'm the one who's wrong for what I did right? But who are you to judge?...

Now these people who have done wrong without a care see me doing wrong, even the slightest thing like a hurtful word... suddenly they call me a bad person who doomed us all. These people have been doing it most of their lives and its not like I haven't a good reason. I swear if it weren't for the few good people in my life who have come and gone, those who have shown me love and cared about me, I'd have lost control of my morals, reasons and possibly humanity a long time ago.

To all those people out there who play with my feelings, use me, hate me and tried to intimidate or dominate me, I hope your happy and that you one day wake up and realize the wrong you have done and change.

People like you are the reason I am the way I am. So don't judge me and try to change who I am or try to fix me before you do a self evaluation. I'm sick of you telling me what I need to do I'm not who you think I am because no one takes the time to know me to understand me.
If you can't do that, if you got a problem with that, then its quite simple... JUST LEAVE ME THE **CK ALONE!!!

* I'm sick of people getting over on me!
* I'm sick of people teasing and taunting me!
* I'm sick of people telling me its okay!
* I'm sick of people ignoring me!

I hate things that are false and I hate LIES! I get so sick of PEOPLE!!!

If you have a point of view to share or advice, anything, I'm open to talk (here or PM). Thanks for reading.