A few days ago, Sharon (relatively new user, blank gallery) fav's one of my arts on DeviantArt and notes me saying that she loves my style and wants to paint something of mine.

So I start by thinking she wants to do a collab. I ask and she says she wants to paint it, oil on canvas, and that I would give her a finished, fully-detailed piece and she'd credit me on the oil painting.

So now I think she does reproductions. Why would she want me?

The piece will be huge, a crowd of humans and a crowd of furries. My most expensive commission ever, even at my prices.

Okay, but the art of mine she fav'ed was the Great Seal of the Mouse Government. Did that impress her that much?

I tell her we can start as soon as I get payment and she says "oh."

I'm thinking I asked her for too much money upfront, so I say "all I need is $10 for the initial sketch: the two main characters, and we can work up from there"

"No no no no no, I'll contact you tomorrow"

The next day she wants a second piece, and now they're not on canvas, but murals. Also, her name is now Hannah since we've moved to Discord. I tell her my price and she says, "no, it has to be the same price as the first."
But, I object, there's no crowd in this one. That is not how I work.
"It has to be for the same price. My client was impressed by your experience"
What client? (The one who owns the walls the murals go on, of course!)
What experience? (I didn't even have a price sheet before this year!)
"They'll both cost him the same in supplies so the original artwork has to cost the same. You'll get the paycheck tomorrow"
"You mean a literal check or...?"
"Check as in Cheque. My client is very old"
I say that's fine so long as I can digitally deposit it with my bank app.
"You can't deposit it tomorrow, it's a holiday"
I'm pretty sure the internet still works?
"I mean, you can, but it will take longer to clear and we need to get started right away"
Wouldn't it be cleared on the same day regardless then?

She seems like she wants the information for the endorsement (and I know that means account numbers). That's not how checks work, you're supposed to endorse it yourself. I ask why does it matter?
"Oh, just in case he asks!"

Day 3 begins with her asking if I want to be on the old guy's company payroll. The job is now to populate an art gallery.
"What company?" I ask
"Here's the back of the check! Remember you can't deposit it today!"
"...Where's the front?"
"Of course he'd have to meet with you to put you on the payroll"
"like... a zoom meeting?"
"Conference call. He's veeery old fashioned."
"Where's the front of the check?"
"So I'll need your phone number"
"Here's a phone number you can call me at. It's a burner. You can't create accounts with it."
"Oh, hahaha, it's a burner? I hadn't even realized! I just need your email to send you the check, and you'll additionally get all the paints you asked for, of course"
"...No"

So, aside from the red flags I comically highlighted, you can almost hear her brain going
"Crap, he has low prices. It's not going to work for that little money!"
"Crap, digital deposit. He's not going to give me an address!"
"Crap, he knows how digital deposits work! The check will bounce before we grab him!"
"Crap, he knows how checks work!"
"Crap, I can't use this phone number!"
"Crap, he already knows I can send the check through the chat and won't give me an email!"
"Crap crap crap!"

And yes, I know it's a "her". There were voice calls. (Her accent was slightly different each time).

It wasn't at all funny as it was happening, though.
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