The last few weeks I have been feeling sick leading me to mostly stay in bed as I kept feeling as I was about to throw up with some pressure on my brain while hoping it wasn’t another sinus infection or worse while watching old TV shows and others that I had on my external HD.
After several tests the doctor had only one solution for me, “I need a vacation.” A very sarcastic laugh came out in reaction to that since I can barely even pay the bills and other repairs lately whatever I try to do since no one wants to hire me in this country.

It gave me time to think and consider the situations which switch stress to anger as I realized the real problem.
Most people don’t even really know me or take the time to talk to me more than what they see online. I have been called way different stuff in different degrees but I can’t say I ever cared even if I always stayed open to discussion with people that might want to know the real me instead of dumb assumptions. You can’t change the world but only adapt to it, after all as “they” often say.
In general I don’t need a whole lot of stuff to be content and not the kind to lose time with jealousy over what other people can do. Even if it’s part of the stuff most people don’t even know. Having a house, my dogs, friends, electricity, water, a bed and a computer to work alongside my phone and internet for research always made me content enough. Even if people don’t believe me when I said that before…
A lot of people consider me a big mouth that loves “to hear my own voice” and give orders which actually is far from true. The only times I really “bark orders” it’s in situation when stuff are going south and someone has to solve the situation instead of running around like an headless chicken…and even those rare moment, or when I have to scream at a friend to stop risking his life, I get my stomach ‘twisted’ leading me to not really eat and feel bad after for a few hours at minimal. But that’s something else that most people think the opposite even if general I prefer a debate instead of barking orders.

Another thing people keep telling me that I am “full of confidence”, as if. What they see as confidence in me and a smile generally to others is actually a way to hide the pain in my body. While said confidence of stuff happening around my character is work is actually the fact that I am working my best to make stuff happen and not expecting for them to happen by themselves by miracle. The reason is, sort off, simple. I was born physically sick and often in constant pain stuck in bed or in a clinic. Due to that most of my life I had to go through rejection to say it gently in many domains, and I am still going through them more than most people could imagine. Due to that, I had to fight on more than most people to get through school and my grades, my work, my art before and now my art. I didn’t learn English from school either to be honest with the teachers I had, I learned myself. Like when before I was drawing or now writing, I learned through hard work. The same thing when I was able to do leather engraving. Nothing was ever given to me at all, I had to keep on fighting and talking with people to make them understand that I am capable of stuff even as physical handicap with painkillers. But try to make employers understand that when they stop listening after hearing “prosthetic knees”…like it’s a way I can’t work with a phone and a computer or customer.
All the languages I learned, I learned them myself even if my parents are Italian in majority they never really bothered trying to help me learning it besides insulting me.
Something that they still do now at 44 and my actual situation…
They, alongside a lot of people, keep assuming that I use my handicap as a reason to not try further even if just walking is often most from grinding my teeth than just doing naturally. The same way, like a lot of people, they keep on thinking that I take painkillers because I am “addicted”, another false assumption for sure since I even barely used morphine during surgeries to not get addicted to that shit even with the pain I went through. Since then, and other reasons with their behavior and constant insult, I avoid them even more to the point of “hurting their reputation” by asking state transport toward my appointments.

I still know and can drive technically, but the problem is that with the amount and strength of painkillers it’s not advised for me to do it. Meaning that I am often stuck at home since there is no bus here and barely even nature to walk through to relax besides our garden that comes with their “complimentary insults” since we are stuck on the same property. So I generally only can go out for a movie or a coffee if someone bothers being free and agrees to drive me for a while. Which, with them, I don’t think I have to add how it always ended up after…

So here is the reason of my anger now…
Basically I am more and more fed up of living here, to be stuck in a country that treats me like shit in general. With parents that add their own anger and disgust toward me and only didn’t discard me because of their REPUTATION WORRIES with people gossips…when I came out BI my mother didn’t talk to me for 6 months, FREEDOM. She only did again because people were asking news about me so to SAVE THEIR REPUTATION AGAIN! Lovely, right…
But yeah, I am fed up, I would give pretty much anything to move away from here. Another country with maybe a chance of a work and prove what I am capable off, or even just in the mountains like I always wanted near a forest with only my dogs a roof, internet, water, electricity and my computer. Being free, as my t-shirt says, “The only choice I ever made was to be ME!” so be somewhere when I can really be myself and not having to go through that constant mental attack…
Honestly, when I realized that a few days ago I was talking with a friend that I felt sorry after since he had to go through my rant. It helped me feel better, in a way…but the problem is still and always stays the same unfortunately.

As I said earlier, I am ready to do pretty much anything to make that change and be me again since I can’t even go to convention to relax a little. But…I am not seeing that figurative door at all in possibility for me…which turned my stress/depression into anger and tears of rage…
I am still the same that doesn’t ask much to be content, but…this situation is way too much for me.
I am not going to say that this journal is to ask people to save me or find the solution, even if I wouldn’t mind real help for sure. But mostly…it had to be said, it had to be put out there and not just keep it buried into my heart and soul.
Thanks for people that took a minute to read this “rant” of mine…stay safe everyone, PLEASE!