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Mrs. Fenris Watches "Last Voyage of the Demeter"
2 years ago
Normally when I watch a movie I'm like "Oh this is why I don't like it" or "I shouldn't like this, but I do" or "Hey, this is why this was great!" But in the case of this movie I struggled a little bit to reach the heart of why I didn't like it.
Maybe the lack of a 'heart' was the problem. Instead of a single great flaw, a driving but misplaced passion present behind the scenes, there were instead just lots of little things everywhere that made me say "Meh" to this film.
So, in no particular order, here are my nitpicks with this movie (And I'd say "Spoilers" but it's a fucking chapter from Dracula. You know how it ends.)
- Why does Dracula crawl around like a weak little ghoul whose dying of bloodthirstyness, but then he can leap up at a million miles per hours and tear your head off?
- They sure put a lot of emphasis on the weird "plot point" of 'We can knock on the boards of the ship and hear when someone else knocks" just so Dracula can fuck with them later by knocking back, for no particular reason except to be a troll. It felt like the kind of thing that should have been throwaway dialogue, or something established through action, but they they put ominous importance on so you'd KNOW "Oooh, Dracula's gonna be spooky later".
- I didn't like it when, after the "final fight" with Dracula and they were sinking the ship, and they pinned him to the mast with another mast, they then made sure to show a scene of Dracula heaving the mast off himself and going "Hahahahaa" so you'd KNOW how he got away.
- Ending the movie with the main character being like "I'm going to hunt down Dracula if it's the last thing I do" doesn't feel triumphant like they WANT us to think. It's depressing, because we KNOW he's not a character in the book later, which means if he DOES track down Dracula it means he just gets eaten off-page/screen.
- When Dracula shows up for his little "Bwhahaa I'm still alive" in the tavern at the end of the movie why does he still look like a fucking evil ghoul instead of appearing as a sinister looking man? Wait, I know why, because they think if they just showed some scary looking guy audiences would go "Who's that?" and wouldn't know it's Dracula.
- The ship starts off being full of racial tension as if they're going to try (at first) to pin the murders on Clemens, the black doctor, but every time they KIND of start to say that everyone just stomps off grumpy. It felt like the script was primed for more conflict between the crew, but they didn't want to do it, so they didn't.
- The 'Sunlight kills vampires thing' kind of annoyed me. A little. It's kind of fine, 'cause this Dracula looks more like 'Nosferatu' Dracula, which was the one who WAS hurt by Sunlight, but in the original novel Dracula is just 'Low powered' in the daytime, when his evil magic is weak. Not a BIG thing, or even a flaw really, but just another thing that sticks in my brain as another little nitpick I didn't really like, especially when it was never really a plot point against Dracula himself, but was just a convenient way to kill off the crewmates he turned into vampires.
- I'm sick of vampires that are fast. I fuckin' hate it. I don't want Dracula movies that look like Man of Steel.
...and then just lots of other tiny little things. The movie wasn't ALL bad. There was good set production, and costuming and stuff. Dracula was creepy lookin'. I'd have liked it if he did some tricksy Dracula things maybe instead of just being a snarling beast. The crew was all right, except they mostly just talked in dramatic movie-trailer lines. So, if you really really really want to see a new vampire movie you can see this I guess. If you're not a picky snob like me maybe you'll like it.
Maybe the lack of a 'heart' was the problem. Instead of a single great flaw, a driving but misplaced passion present behind the scenes, there were instead just lots of little things everywhere that made me say "Meh" to this film.
So, in no particular order, here are my nitpicks with this movie (And I'd say "Spoilers" but it's a fucking chapter from Dracula. You know how it ends.)
- Why does Dracula crawl around like a weak little ghoul whose dying of bloodthirstyness, but then he can leap up at a million miles per hours and tear your head off?
- They sure put a lot of emphasis on the weird "plot point" of 'We can knock on the boards of the ship and hear when someone else knocks" just so Dracula can fuck with them later by knocking back, for no particular reason except to be a troll. It felt like the kind of thing that should have been throwaway dialogue, or something established through action, but they they put ominous importance on so you'd KNOW "Oooh, Dracula's gonna be spooky later".
- I didn't like it when, after the "final fight" with Dracula and they were sinking the ship, and they pinned him to the mast with another mast, they then made sure to show a scene of Dracula heaving the mast off himself and going "Hahahahaa" so you'd KNOW how he got away.
- Ending the movie with the main character being like "I'm going to hunt down Dracula if it's the last thing I do" doesn't feel triumphant like they WANT us to think. It's depressing, because we KNOW he's not a character in the book later, which means if he DOES track down Dracula it means he just gets eaten off-page/screen.
- When Dracula shows up for his little "Bwhahaa I'm still alive" in the tavern at the end of the movie why does he still look like a fucking evil ghoul instead of appearing as a sinister looking man? Wait, I know why, because they think if they just showed some scary looking guy audiences would go "Who's that?" and wouldn't know it's Dracula.
- The ship starts off being full of racial tension as if they're going to try (at first) to pin the murders on Clemens, the black doctor, but every time they KIND of start to say that everyone just stomps off grumpy. It felt like the script was primed for more conflict between the crew, but they didn't want to do it, so they didn't.
- The 'Sunlight kills vampires thing' kind of annoyed me. A little. It's kind of fine, 'cause this Dracula looks more like 'Nosferatu' Dracula, which was the one who WAS hurt by Sunlight, but in the original novel Dracula is just 'Low powered' in the daytime, when his evil magic is weak. Not a BIG thing, or even a flaw really, but just another thing that sticks in my brain as another little nitpick I didn't really like, especially when it was never really a plot point against Dracula himself, but was just a convenient way to kill off the crewmates he turned into vampires.
- I'm sick of vampires that are fast. I fuckin' hate it. I don't want Dracula movies that look like Man of Steel.
...and then just lots of other tiny little things. The movie wasn't ALL bad. There was good set production, and costuming and stuff. Dracula was creepy lookin'. I'd have liked it if he did some tricksy Dracula things maybe instead of just being a snarling beast. The crew was all right, except they mostly just talked in dramatic movie-trailer lines. So, if you really really really want to see a new vampire movie you can see this I guess. If you're not a picky snob like me maybe you'll like it.
I haven't seen the movie so I dunno if there's stuff that'd directly contradict that idea, or if it's just so dumb you're not willing to extend it that much slack, that's just what immediately jumped to mind for that problem. Bide your time, stay unseen, strike when it's a sure thing.