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Why I'm leaving the community and where I'm going.
2 years ago
To those who it may concern, I would like to describe what has happened this last 2 years.
I don't want to explain myself as to me, personally, it feels like I'm just throwing out excuse after excuse. But these aren't excuses. These are real life circumstances that have changed my life forever and need to be put out there. For my friends that have been on here by my side for years, those who've watched me grow up. Hell I've been in the community since I was 13 and I never expected any of this to happen and I hate that it had to happen. There is joy out of this of course because of my daughter. But there's a lot that's happened behind the scenes that have fucked up my life that no one knows about.
I ended up being in a very toxic relationship for the last 4 years and didn't realize it till things ended.
When I got pregnant with my daughter, my ex told me that my art wasn't enough and that I had to work more to provide for our child. Work became my full time job, I was working 50 hours a week as a manager while pregnant. I did this everyday until my water broke. I was heading into work when my water broke. Not only was I working but I was expected to cook dinner, do the dishes, laundry, take out the trash, take care of the animals all by myself. He wouldn't help me with anything and would belittle me everytime I couldn't keep up with things. It was so toxic I went into a down world spiral. There was absolutely no time for me to do art with how much was going on and everyone understood that.
After I had her I was so excited and expected things to go back to where I'd be able to do art, especially with how much maternity leave I had, I thought I would be able to keep up on things more and have time for art here and there while watching her. Especially since she was in the NICU for 2 months it gave me time for those things. Atleast thats what I thought. He still pushed me to do everything, a week after my C-section he kept telling me more and more that I needed to return to work and shouldnt be on maternity leave. I was constantly being yelled at and told I wasn't doing enough. My stress levels sky rocketed, my post partum depression began to kick in. I had nothing left in me to fight, I was so tired and shut down I didn't want to do anything for a while besides watch my daughter.
when My daughter was 8 months old, things took a turn for the worst this year.
I had to call the cops on her father for domestic violence. All the details from that night are still so vivid in my brain like it happened yesterday, and the screams from my daughter. I won't discuss what happened that night on here, that's something I would like to keep private at this time. It still triggers me, I don't believe I'm allowed to talk much on the subject yet since there is still legal stuff going on as he is currently on probation for everything that happened.
He took everything from us though. The night everything happened we left everything behind. So much of the stuff was in his name as well. I had no car when I moved back home, no bank account, no clothes, I even had to get a new phone because of threats from his family trying to get it back since it was under his account. I tried to remove it from the account myself so I could keep the phone but the phone company wouldn't allow it. So I went and got a new phone and shipped them the old phone. There's so much stuff that's happened in the last two years, I'm so drained.
But I'm proud to say I've been able to grow and be happier since I've left.
I've gotten to see my daughter be happier than she ever was when we were with him. The animals are no longer scared, I've even been happier and able to provide more for my daughter than I ever was.
To think when I met him I was originally 180Ibs. When I moved home I was 108Ibs. Now I'm at a healthy 122Ibs and it seems like things are just getting better and better.
Stress is still a big part for me right now. But I couldn't be more thankful for where I am now.
To my friends on here who've been with me through the years.
Thank you, I will never forget any of you and I will do whatever I can to keep in contact when I can. I may not respond as much as I used to, but I have a lot on my plate right now and I know you understand.
To the couple commissioners who I owe art from before my pregnancy. I deeply apologize again, I never expected my life to take such a drastic turn.
In anyway I can I will repay you. Please send me a note and I will make sure to send a refund of the proper amount owed.
I will not take any more negativity or hate from any one in my life. I'm done with being treated like shit and belittled for being a good person. I want to make things right in the simplest way possible.
I know many of you have been kind, but my brain is tired, and I just want to make things right.
Thank you again for those who have been with me through the years.
This isn't good bye, just a see you later <3
Love you so much ;-; <3
I will still be drawing as inspiration begins to come back and I will share it with you all as they come when I can.Things just won't be as frequent as they used to. Maybe One day I will take commissions again. But for now I'd like to focus on getting my joy of art back, creating things for myself and enjoying my time with my daughter <3
If you ever wanna chat, feel free to message me! I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanna keep in better contact with my friends again 😭💖
same here! im mostly active on fb messenger or discord, so i can note you my discord if youd like!!