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this is dark. very ---- family stuff & money stress.
2 years ago
you know what's sad? i spent ten years having to worry about everything i wrote online because of stalkers who hated me for i guess being trans and going to japan. they finally backed off cuz i got cancer, and now my own fucking family is stalking me. cuz i had the gall to ask if they could help me pay for therapy. after cancer. and because i've drawn clear boundries on what i will and will not tolerate in terms of their narcy behavior in my life, because again, i had cancer. i am suddenly much more aware of my mortality. and i don't want it to be full of boomers telling me that i should not worry about my rights as a trans person because the "bigger picture" is on cnn or.... no. fuck it. i'm already worked up. new train of thought.
good things have happened this year. i finished my comic! i'm actually caught up on every mewtwo plush ever made in my collection (minus one super rare alternate version) ! i launched my pokemon fansite hub (pkmncollectors.online) and i kept our household running and above water a few times. i walked 5 miles (lmaooooooo) and raised 300$ for cancer.
but my best friend decided ketamine was his new best friend.
and my family decided because of my boundry drawing and "social media and gofundme" i cant be trusted to tell the truth about when i need help. i don't see what it would achieve to lie. i had fucking cancer. they were neglegent. they werent by my side in chemo. they didn't come see me for radiation. during surgery they were telling my spouse how boring i was. to even ask them for money is desperation. stupid of me. but i just wanted to get some therapy to stop feeling like i'm constantly going to die (even though my health is terrible and my right lung is malformed now my family joke about "let er rip!" with covid in front of me) and i cant afford it.
so what do they do?
they harass my spouse, calling him at work, to demand to know why it's still expensive to see a therapist 2023 usa.
they try to get the billing office at therapy to disclose private information to them.
they email the therapist i'm seeing, and tell him i'm off my meds (i'm not) and behaving irrationally angrily towards them. thankfully he didn't reply. just told me.
then they're like "hey but i love you, im so sorry i LITERALLY GHOSTED YOU on thanksgiving, id like to see you for nye but ONLY IF I GET TO DRIVE YOU THERE AND BACK AND YOULL STAY FOR A WEEK because i love you :)))))"
like what the fuck man
i feel like we've all had the rough ride since 2020 but i feel also like everyone (and i do mean everyone) forgets that before 2020 i had 2019, which was the year of chemotherapy and radiation... for stage 3 cancer.... and. just. no one seems willing to care, who knows me in the flesh, outside my spouse. everyone else is just all "im in it for me, my feelgoods, my narrative, my movie" to the exclusion of empathy. and it's. fuckin me up.
then throw money stress on top, double fucks me up. now every therapy session i have to worry if they'll withdraw help paying for it because they haven't been able to get anyone to leak the contents of the sessions to them. they claim they're only trying to get through to billing to "see the receipts" but i've literally sent them the receipts, marked that i've already paid. i just.
i fucking hate my biofam, you guys.
they're narcissists.
they're abusers.
i can't even trust them to remember something they agree to that they're reminded of, if it involves me.
just feels like i'm forever a teen locked out of the house because the boomers changed locks and told every child and gave them all a new key but 'forgot' me....
that's not an alegory, that's. something they did. they also moved without telling me at one point. i found out through a third party IMing me "i heard your family moved"
they all go on vacations round the globe every year but where were they for the cancer bills? the only biofam member who contributed was my uncle and his daughter, who i almost never talk to.
what the fuck does "social media and gofundme" even mean
those are things people resort to when they /have/ no family support to pay bills
i have none, that's why i had to
it's not a validation to withhold help??
plus fuckin, my dad doesnt even know how social media works. he has, for over a decade, followed someone on twitter who isn't me. i had /long left/ twitter and he was still asking me "hey is (user) you?" and i kept going "no. stop following them." but for some reason he i guess convinced himself he sluethed out my secret (public?) vent twitter account and kept following!!! and that person also got big into ketamine!!! so i'm sure that helped him write his narrative of why he shouldn't trust me and doesn't need to respect my boundries, listen to what i'm saying, or help me out. he doesn't care anyway. my sister pointed it out a while back and i've become acutely aware of it since - he never asks how we are. never. not once. it's just all about him. i used to respect my father, but now he's just another narc boomer.
i just finished an art project of 20 years. none of them could pick a character of mine out of a lineup of one. none of them care about me enough to even show a passing interest. not since my grandmother died.
it feels very, very lonely. i hate this time of year. i hate the pressure to pretend i'm loved by them, so they can pretend they're good people at their holiday parties. so they can pretend they care.
i think they'd all be much happier if i'd died of cancer, because then they'd never have to bother with the audacity of me asking to be treated like a human being. they could just fully control the narrative, bury me under my dead name (that's why we call it that, kids) and throw parties where they soak up the attention for their loss.
i hate them, yall.
but more, i hate that the heart loves them still.
good things have happened this year. i finished my comic! i'm actually caught up on every mewtwo plush ever made in my collection (minus one super rare alternate version) ! i launched my pokemon fansite hub (pkmncollectors.online) and i kept our household running and above water a few times. i walked 5 miles (lmaooooooo) and raised 300$ for cancer.
but my best friend decided ketamine was his new best friend.
and my family decided because of my boundry drawing and "social media and gofundme" i cant be trusted to tell the truth about when i need help. i don't see what it would achieve to lie. i had fucking cancer. they were neglegent. they werent by my side in chemo. they didn't come see me for radiation. during surgery they were telling my spouse how boring i was. to even ask them for money is desperation. stupid of me. but i just wanted to get some therapy to stop feeling like i'm constantly going to die (even though my health is terrible and my right lung is malformed now my family joke about "let er rip!" with covid in front of me) and i cant afford it.
so what do they do?
they harass my spouse, calling him at work, to demand to know why it's still expensive to see a therapist 2023 usa.
they try to get the billing office at therapy to disclose private information to them.
they email the therapist i'm seeing, and tell him i'm off my meds (i'm not) and behaving irrationally angrily towards them. thankfully he didn't reply. just told me.
then they're like "hey but i love you, im so sorry i LITERALLY GHOSTED YOU on thanksgiving, id like to see you for nye but ONLY IF I GET TO DRIVE YOU THERE AND BACK AND YOULL STAY FOR A WEEK because i love you :)))))"
like what the fuck man
i feel like we've all had the rough ride since 2020 but i feel also like everyone (and i do mean everyone) forgets that before 2020 i had 2019, which was the year of chemotherapy and radiation... for stage 3 cancer.... and. just. no one seems willing to care, who knows me in the flesh, outside my spouse. everyone else is just all "im in it for me, my feelgoods, my narrative, my movie" to the exclusion of empathy. and it's. fuckin me up.
then throw money stress on top, double fucks me up. now every therapy session i have to worry if they'll withdraw help paying for it because they haven't been able to get anyone to leak the contents of the sessions to them. they claim they're only trying to get through to billing to "see the receipts" but i've literally sent them the receipts, marked that i've already paid. i just.
i fucking hate my biofam, you guys.
they're narcissists.
they're abusers.
i can't even trust them to remember something they agree to that they're reminded of, if it involves me.
just feels like i'm forever a teen locked out of the house because the boomers changed locks and told every child and gave them all a new key but 'forgot' me....
that's not an alegory, that's. something they did. they also moved without telling me at one point. i found out through a third party IMing me "i heard your family moved"
they all go on vacations round the globe every year but where were they for the cancer bills? the only biofam member who contributed was my uncle and his daughter, who i almost never talk to.
what the fuck does "social media and gofundme" even mean
those are things people resort to when they /have/ no family support to pay bills
i have none, that's why i had to
it's not a validation to withhold help??
plus fuckin, my dad doesnt even know how social media works. he has, for over a decade, followed someone on twitter who isn't me. i had /long left/ twitter and he was still asking me "hey is (user) you?" and i kept going "no. stop following them." but for some reason he i guess convinced himself he sluethed out my secret (public?) vent twitter account and kept following!!! and that person also got big into ketamine!!! so i'm sure that helped him write his narrative of why he shouldn't trust me and doesn't need to respect my boundries, listen to what i'm saying, or help me out. he doesn't care anyway. my sister pointed it out a while back and i've become acutely aware of it since - he never asks how we are. never. not once. it's just all about him. i used to respect my father, but now he's just another narc boomer.
i just finished an art project of 20 years. none of them could pick a character of mine out of a lineup of one. none of them care about me enough to even show a passing interest. not since my grandmother died.
it feels very, very lonely. i hate this time of year. i hate the pressure to pretend i'm loved by them, so they can pretend they're good people at their holiday parties. so they can pretend they care.
i think they'd all be much happier if i'd died of cancer, because then they'd never have to bother with the audacity of me asking to be treated like a human being. they could just fully control the narrative, bury me under my dead name (that's why we call it that, kids) and throw parties where they soak up the attention for their loss.
i hate them, yall.
but more, i hate that the heart loves them still.
I'm not the best with words, but know that I've been here with you for a darn good chunk of it. I support you in thoughts, even when I can't do it with money (because same boat). I think you're good people, and want your happiness.
For whatever it's worth, I'm glad you're here. :)
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else you've been through. But know I love you, and despite your biofamily, there are those that care about you
A lot of people are really glad you pulled through cancer, I'm glad you are still here. Your comic is a massive achievement. So few people are able to put that kind of passion and commitment into a project for 20 years and actually have something finished to show for all those efforts. I hope you can power through the bullshit during the holiday season and still keep that pride of your accomplishments intact.
While not in such precarious situation as you, I have been walking on eggshells from both sides of my parents' family. Everything from desiring my parent's house to their blunt views on anybody who isn't cis or heterosexual. They're a bunch of hypocrites. I'm honestly just waiting for them to pass away. I'm grateful I didn't reward them with fathering children.