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Completely burned out. [VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ]
2 years ago
I hate to make journals like this, but... this is really important, and I want to keep you all in the loop.
I'm not okay.
Currently, I think I'm going through the worst depression I've ever felt in my life. Its stemming from a truth that Ive been unable to avoid: I'm beyond burned out.
I have zero desire to draw. I feel no joy when thinking about vore or other kinks. I don't want to even LOOK at anthropomorphic characters sometimes. Nothing I do brings me joy, or makes me feel anything. I feel just... so empty, so nothing, so blank. When I do feel, its always negative emotions. Deep sadness, regret, and most of all, an overwhelming feeling of uselessness. I feel like a complete waste of a person, like a failure. I still can't get a job, and I'm an artist that gets physically sick when I try to draw. I feel so horribly, deeply, overwhelmingly miserable. I'm trying desperately to cling onto anything that brings joy, anything that makes me feel normal, but nothing is working. All joy from what I do is just... gone. It's why I've not posted, barely drawn at all, and go months without streaming. I feel like complete utter shit.
I know I owe so much, I owe a ton of art, but right now, I just... I just can't do it. I can't. And this feeling, this inability to draw, it makes me feel worse than anything. My brain is screaming at me to get the art done, I am desperate to work on it, but I just cannot. No matter what I do, I can barely put pencil to paper without wanting to vomit.
I feel like I've ruined my reputation here in the vore community. I feel like I'm throwing my relevancy away, and losing what I've built up over the years. I'm constantly in need of help, constantly a downer, can't finish what I owe, and I barely even post. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to interact with me anymore. I'm a frigging mess. I feel like I'm succumbing to all the worst traits I've fought hard to avoid for years, and I wouldn't blame anyone for hating me or avoiding me.
I'm absolutely miserable. I feel sick typing this, because I just... I hate venting or talking about my problems, I hate putting my burdens on y'all. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for why things aren't done or happening. I just... I'm really, really not okay, and I don't think I can do much of anything until I find a way to feel better.
There is so much I want to do, so many ideas I want to share, but I just... cannot do any of them right now. Not while I'm this deeply depressed, this poor, or this burned out. I have to feel joy again before I can create, I have to find financial stability, and I have to get my mind right.
I just wanted to keep you all informed because I might need to step away for a bit... It makes me feel even worse to have to do that, cause I know folks will be waiting even longer for stuff, but I cannot keep doing things like I am. Feeling like this makes me want to die, so something's gotta change.
I'll be trying my best. I love you all and thank you for sticking with me through the worst time of my life. If I ever get through it, I want to do so much to make it up to all of you. Thank you.
I'm not okay.
Currently, I think I'm going through the worst depression I've ever felt in my life. Its stemming from a truth that Ive been unable to avoid: I'm beyond burned out.
I have zero desire to draw. I feel no joy when thinking about vore or other kinks. I don't want to even LOOK at anthropomorphic characters sometimes. Nothing I do brings me joy, or makes me feel anything. I feel just... so empty, so nothing, so blank. When I do feel, its always negative emotions. Deep sadness, regret, and most of all, an overwhelming feeling of uselessness. I feel like a complete waste of a person, like a failure. I still can't get a job, and I'm an artist that gets physically sick when I try to draw. I feel so horribly, deeply, overwhelmingly miserable. I'm trying desperately to cling onto anything that brings joy, anything that makes me feel normal, but nothing is working. All joy from what I do is just... gone. It's why I've not posted, barely drawn at all, and go months without streaming. I feel like complete utter shit.
I know I owe so much, I owe a ton of art, but right now, I just... I just can't do it. I can't. And this feeling, this inability to draw, it makes me feel worse than anything. My brain is screaming at me to get the art done, I am desperate to work on it, but I just cannot. No matter what I do, I can barely put pencil to paper without wanting to vomit.
I feel like I've ruined my reputation here in the vore community. I feel like I'm throwing my relevancy away, and losing what I've built up over the years. I'm constantly in need of help, constantly a downer, can't finish what I owe, and I barely even post. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to interact with me anymore. I'm a frigging mess. I feel like I'm succumbing to all the worst traits I've fought hard to avoid for years, and I wouldn't blame anyone for hating me or avoiding me.
I'm absolutely miserable. I feel sick typing this, because I just... I hate venting or talking about my problems, I hate putting my burdens on y'all. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for why things aren't done or happening. I just... I'm really, really not okay, and I don't think I can do much of anything until I find a way to feel better.
There is so much I want to do, so many ideas I want to share, but I just... cannot do any of them right now. Not while I'm this deeply depressed, this poor, or this burned out. I have to feel joy again before I can create, I have to find financial stability, and I have to get my mind right.
I just wanted to keep you all informed because I might need to step away for a bit... It makes me feel even worse to have to do that, cause I know folks will be waiting even longer for stuff, but I cannot keep doing things like I am. Feeling like this makes me want to die, so something's gotta change.
I'll be trying my best. I love you all and thank you for sticking with me through the worst time of my life. If I ever get through it, I want to do so much to make it up to all of you. Thank you.
For what it is worth I will say that I have always loved your work so at least if your askin me I don't think your ruining any reputations or anything. Its been a HELL of a last few years and between all that financial needs and personal problems...I just don't think anyone should fault you if you need time to curl up and heal somewhere ya know?
I hope you can find joy again and smile again. I truly do. No one should have to be lost in sorrow and dread to do something they have loved.
Rehydrate, do your own body some good, take your mind off things.
Also remember that the black dog is best fought with those you care about, it wins easier when it can pick at you alone.
Stay safe, and remember that even when you don't think you deserve peoples love or good will, there will be people who will happily disagree with you on that, and want to see you succeed, be happy, and kick depressions butt.
<3
Sincerely,
The Cheshire Cat's Master
Sincerely,
The Cheshire Cat's Master
Thank you for your advice seph <3
That turned out not to be true. I was just having a bad time, and it made me not want to draw while it was happening.
I think that's what's happening here too. You're having a bad time, and it's making you not want to do anything. That's what depression does. If you work on your depression (which includes stopping blaming yourself for things and not stressing about stuff, simply taking things a day at a time, a victory at a time), you'll find everything else coming back.
Remember: You were doing great during that series of toon-game streams you did. You aren't losing passion; you're just sick and need to heal.
Thank you humbug i really appreciate it a lot <3