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2 years ago
Uploading a mass tomorrow. Squismass tree + ornaments 2023 next week.
I still need to draw and write more. Already have been, but even more. I've fallen really far behind on a number of things for others...
In being more mindful of the 'episodes' of my AVPD, I realize I've explained to some, and not others, so for everybody: I shut down for everyone. Like when I disappear for a week, that's not just from you, reader. It's from everybody. But as I said in my last journal, I want to disappear less...
On that; I still really like drawing for others, and want to. But from now on, anything I do make will remain at the sketch phase barring further interest or motivation. I'll be honest: That isn't due to any avoidance. That's just a boundary at this point. Because it's delayed me from even getting b-day gifts to people for weeks at a time, as I already mentioned above, and this sort of 'que' is unsustainable by now.
More selfishly, I've not been able to get to OC things. Because I'd start but never finish them; always pre-occupied with finishing gifts for others.
Both have been concurrent issues for months, and have led to needless burn out... So sketches, mostly. Sorry.
Speaking of; now that most readers are gone, life stuff. My lowest manager for some reason gave me... two less hours in a shift instead of shift hours that would work with my therapy? Cool. I just won't ask him for scheduling anymore. I'm as reliant on him as I am on therapy. That said, these extended absences of therapy have been surprisingly difficult. For this one, I had to quickly come to terms with my whole family being unwilling to have and real conversation with me, or entertain any attempts on my end to do so. To be clear: Not incapable, or inept. Just unwilling. And I've exhausted everybody. And made absolutely sure it wasn't just me. I've been trying as an adult for 5 years, and this experiment can be written off as 'failed' for the foreseeable, indefinite future...
Sucks to know you wasted 5+ years on the wrong people, and those wrong people are family, right? That's the last I'll ever mention family outside other life complications they are bound to cause me.
Tl;dr: My AVPD sucks and affects everybody, not just you. I like drawing for others, but I'm keeping things at sketches*
I still need to draw and write more. Already have been, but even more. I've fallen really far behind on a number of things for others...
In being more mindful of the 'episodes' of my AVPD, I realize I've explained to some, and not others, so for everybody: I shut down for everyone. Like when I disappear for a week, that's not just from you, reader. It's from everybody. But as I said in my last journal, I want to disappear less...
On that; I still really like drawing for others, and want to. But from now on, anything I do make will remain at the sketch phase barring further interest or motivation. I'll be honest: That isn't due to any avoidance. That's just a boundary at this point. Because it's delayed me from even getting b-day gifts to people for weeks at a time, as I already mentioned above, and this sort of 'que' is unsustainable by now.
More selfishly, I've not been able to get to OC things. Because I'd start but never finish them; always pre-occupied with finishing gifts for others.
Both have been concurrent issues for months, and have led to needless burn out... So sketches, mostly. Sorry.
Speaking of; now that most readers are gone, life stuff. My lowest manager for some reason gave me... two less hours in a shift instead of shift hours that would work with my therapy? Cool. I just won't ask him for scheduling anymore. I'm as reliant on him as I am on therapy. That said, these extended absences of therapy have been surprisingly difficult. For this one, I had to quickly come to terms with my whole family being unwilling to have and real conversation with me, or entertain any attempts on my end to do so. To be clear: Not incapable, or inept. Just unwilling. And I've exhausted everybody. And made absolutely sure it wasn't just me. I've been trying as an adult for 5 years, and this experiment can be written off as 'failed' for the foreseeable, indefinite future...
Sucks to know you wasted 5+ years on the wrong people, and those wrong people are family, right? That's the last I'll ever mention family outside other life complications they are bound to cause me.
Tl;dr: My AVPD sucks and affects everybody, not just you. I like drawing for others, but I'm keeping things at sketches*
