I have basically had a mental breakdown and crumbled because I have been very sad and put myself under such pressure and expectation to please other people in both my everyday non internet life and my social media life. I have been heartbroken the last few weeks do to partner issues so yes I blamed myself for awhile but its not all on me either so i will leave it at that with the subject. My 84 year old neighbor has fallen mentally ill and now lives on the opposite side of the country from us now. I have known her my whole life and i knew her husband before he passed they were basically my surrogate grandparents. We took care of her for as long as we could however her son did finally come for her when enough people started to talk about him. now I just see family members that were never around to help her in 30 plus years show up and are fighting over the stuff in the rental property she lived in. Not too mention the land lord is upset because they are not getting the house cleaned out and its only covered till the end of the month and its an entire cluster going on next store. when i try to call and check on her i just get told she is fine or napping i don't get to talk to her. Also all this is going on during the holidays when we normally have fun but nothing has felt fun to me I haven't even gotten out decorations this year. The cherry on top is i am also out of my Anti Anxiety medication and i was denied a new script until i can be seen. thankfully i will be in before Christmas though but since i have been out a week i am completely off kilter with everything else thats happening the small stuff is getting to me now as well;


Also I haven't been happy with myself at all my Body upsets me and i have been working on eating better and working out but i am never happy cause I don't feel i am making any headway I try to take care of my self doing skin care routines and my makeup and dressing nice but the truth is i have body issues and they do bother me i just don't like to talk about my issues publicly since it always seems everyone has there own issues to deal with. I'm stubborn that the truth and i normally will bottle it all up and not tell a soul these things also yes i have support and people that try to tell me that i look good or I'm doing fine but in my brain its never enough.

What this means for my art. well as of right now NO MORE YCH AND COMMISSIONS for i don't how long maybe for good if it helps my Mental health I am gonna draw what i wanna draw and who i wanna draw for. I am tired of feeling i have to beg for a chance to please some one or a crumb of a good job feeling. I am proud of my work and i do a good job for the skills i have and I put the best i have into all i do just as i know a lot of Artisit on this site do. but I have had it for now with the rat race of trying to peddle and compete and the resentment . I do appreciate every watcher and person that enjoys the work i put out. but i can't stand to undercut myself anymore .

if you haven't guessed by now this is a very emotional journal for me with all the feels but i am ready to do better by me and sto worryinh about pleasing other or what anyone has to say about me. I usually proof read and correct my writings but i can not seem to care on this one

to all those who support me and have been a true rock for me through this thank you so much. I wish all of you the best

From now my art is for going to be what i feel like doing so if you all made it this far and feel like you can enjoy that
thank you

Melody