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A bit of emotional venting
2 years ago
Recently I've been working on trying to analyze my mental state and figure out what it is I really feel or need, and I think I've actually made some decent progress.
This isn't usually a thing I will talk about publicly, due to anxiety and societal pressure, but I'm going to try anyway.
Over the course of my life, I've met a lot of people. It was easy at first, but as time went on, I met more and more of them that ended up hurting me, either through rejection or manipulation. As time passed, I grew more and more closed off, now struggling to interact even with my closer friends a lot of the time. I feel like I've only grown more distant from everyone over the last several years, and trying to meet new people feels less and less possible.
To add to this, basically the entire world has been constantly trying to reinforce that I am not allowed to express feelings or thoughts. From friends, to family, to society as a whole, they have all been trying to force the same lesson into me, and it feels like lately it has been sticking way more than I would have ever wanted it to.
Because of the constant pressure, I feel like I have lost the ability to truely enjoy much of anything any more. I'm sure you have noticed that I haven't been posting as much lately, and that's mostly due to not drawing anywhere as much as I had been. Art is a form of self expression, after all, and if you expect to be punished for expressing yourself, why would you take the risk?
I know this isn't ever going to stop, but I want to try to change, regardless. I want to try to open up again and meet people, make some friends that I will have for years. I know there will be at least a few people who only want to use me for their own benefits but I just have to accept I will run into those kinds of people no matter what. I may as well try to be open to everyone, so that I can at least try to meet the people who would be good for me.
Sorry if this is a bit unusual, or if it was a bit depressing, but I really felt like this is something I should really try to do. Actually express how I am feeling publicly, and hopefully, not getting shit for it.
Additionally, if you ever considered reaching out, but stopped yourself for whatever reason: don't be afraid to try. I'm just some guy on the internet, after all.
As a somewhat relevant side note, I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now, and it feels like it perfectly encapsulates how I've felt for .. a long time now. I wasn't sure if I should even include this at all, but.. I suppose that I should just do it and see. (mild spoilers for Void Stranger, by the way) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9U7JTGJLWM
This isn't usually a thing I will talk about publicly, due to anxiety and societal pressure, but I'm going to try anyway.
Over the course of my life, I've met a lot of people. It was easy at first, but as time went on, I met more and more of them that ended up hurting me, either through rejection or manipulation. As time passed, I grew more and more closed off, now struggling to interact even with my closer friends a lot of the time. I feel like I've only grown more distant from everyone over the last several years, and trying to meet new people feels less and less possible.
To add to this, basically the entire world has been constantly trying to reinforce that I am not allowed to express feelings or thoughts. From friends, to family, to society as a whole, they have all been trying to force the same lesson into me, and it feels like lately it has been sticking way more than I would have ever wanted it to.
Because of the constant pressure, I feel like I have lost the ability to truely enjoy much of anything any more. I'm sure you have noticed that I haven't been posting as much lately, and that's mostly due to not drawing anywhere as much as I had been. Art is a form of self expression, after all, and if you expect to be punished for expressing yourself, why would you take the risk?
I know this isn't ever going to stop, but I want to try to change, regardless. I want to try to open up again and meet people, make some friends that I will have for years. I know there will be at least a few people who only want to use me for their own benefits but I just have to accept I will run into those kinds of people no matter what. I may as well try to be open to everyone, so that I can at least try to meet the people who would be good for me.
Sorry if this is a bit unusual, or if it was a bit depressing, but I really felt like this is something I should really try to do. Actually express how I am feeling publicly, and hopefully, not getting shit for it.
Additionally, if you ever considered reaching out, but stopped yourself for whatever reason: don't be afraid to try. I'm just some guy on the internet, after all.
As a somewhat relevant side note, I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now, and it feels like it perfectly encapsulates how I've felt for .. a long time now. I wasn't sure if I should even include this at all, but.. I suppose that I should just do it and see. (mild spoilers for Void Stranger, by the way) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9U7JTGJLWM
learned that ...in the hard way
It's so damaging when we repeatedly have to deal with a social dynamic where honesty is punished.
It kind of leaves us confused for several years until we realize, hang on, the problem is that Honesty is Punished. Like is anyone surprised that people like you end up with trauma and find it instinctually difficult to open up anymore because your brain has received too many inputs that proved "Yes, opening up is punishable"
We know now that we need to heal by creating experiences where we CAN open up but are 100% sure that they we are safe about it. >w<
The beauty of the internet is that if someone starts giving you shit for revealing information about yourself, you can simply remove them from your life. At work, at home, at university, we kindda can't afford to do this, because if someone finds out the wrong piece of information and starts being shitty about it, we kindda are lumped with having to deal with them.
There are good places and the internet is one of them. Even IRL too, there are groups of people who are specifically sick of this kind of suppression and form their own groups. Those are the good places where we can go and be authentic.
I love it when you open up and just express yourself, I just find it soooo validating and also that feeling when someone confidently asserts that "goshhhhh I like <this thing>" it makes me feel really nice inside ^///^
it took.. quite a while for me to figure out what the problem was, and then took longer still to actually figure out what to even do about it. hopefully it stops being as much of a problem in the future, but I guess we'll see
I wouldn't mind talking more, though I still struggle with having things to say
Sounds like you need to catch a break and be around nice people. People you trust you can socialize with. Without being judged or bared down upon by social expectentcies.
I just worry, because I have hard time keepin' in touch with the friends I already have, as my time only seems to become more and more limited as the years go on.
At the minimum, I should try get acquainted. I'm just a guy too.
I do feel a bit bad I've been generally pretty silent. You've always been super cool whenever we have chatted. I never really know what to say when chatting with anyone.
I want things to get better for you, and I hope you can get into a situation where you don't have to feel afraid to be yourself.
I struggle with that a lot myself. my life is pretty boring so there isn't a whole lot to say, or at least it feels that way a lot of the time.
I do think of you often, do remember that.
And... I do understand the "unstable stability". Me wondering if I'll be living in this same dwelling a month from now, thanks to Australian renting being Australian renting.