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Feeling done with everything | Vent
2 years ago
*Scratches snoot, whipping out a pencil*
Hey, y'all.
I really hate making vents on here, but genuinely, I don't know who to go to regarding venting anymore. I already feel like I've hurt multiple friends, but less importantly, I feel like I'm just continuing to hurt myself. I've been wanting to draw again really badly, but whenever I try to have fun doing it, I just hurt myself more and more, negatively telling myself how "this" or "that" could be a lot better, that I'm sloppy, that I'm drawing for no reason if other people are doing it better than me. At first, I was drawing because it genuinely made me happy, but now it feels like I draw because I like the attention that comes with it, which I already know is INCREDIBLY unhealthy. Not even just that, but whenever I do draw, thoughts always kick in, telling me "your mom really died in a car accident for you to draw this" or "your grandmom is dying and this is how you cope with it?".. everyone tells me that I need to overcome those thoughts, but the progressively get worse and worse, but I just lie and tell people that I'm feeling better, even though I'm not.
What does this mean for my art?
I'm still not entirely sure. I've been taken advantage of, manipulated, and mentally drained to draw so much that I really don't know if I want to continue with it anymore, and I've been feeling like this this entire year, yet I still force myself to make new art because I fear if I don't, I'll lose all of my friends, and I'll lose myself as a person. The stuff I draw, I get a lot of enjoyment out of, but I can't enjoy it when I'm making it. So now I'm just in this loop of feeling awful about myself, getting motivation, forcing myself to draw while giving myself the most destructive criticism, and just feeling even more miserable after every piece I make. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore, or how to help myself.
How is Grandmom?
She's okay at most. She keeps telling me that she's recovering just fine, but I know she isn't. She just wants me to feel comfortable, but she needs to know that no matter how hurtful the truth is, I need to hear it for myself. She always says she's fine, but follows up to talking about her affairs, and her cremation. It's fucking with me in all the worst ways. She keeps crying, and worrying about how I'll do when she's gone, and honestly? She has every right to. I don't even know what's going to happen to me when she passes. We're already so financially struggling that I wouldn't be surprised if I'd be on the streets when she passes. As much as I want to say that I'll be fine, I really won't. She's the last family I really have. Every family member that passed took a piece of myself with them, and now it's to the point where I hardly even know myself anymore. Suicide has been on my mind, but I'm really trying to avoid that topic, but I sleep comfortable with a knife on my nightstand, knowing that if it gets any worse, there's another option. Yet, I never bring myself into doing it, life is too valuable.
I'm sorry, I felt like venting, because in my mind, I'm feeling ignored by pretty much everyone. I absolutely hate venting to people, let alone, to the public. Please don't take any of this to heart.
I really hate making vents on here, but genuinely, I don't know who to go to regarding venting anymore. I already feel like I've hurt multiple friends, but less importantly, I feel like I'm just continuing to hurt myself. I've been wanting to draw again really badly, but whenever I try to have fun doing it, I just hurt myself more and more, negatively telling myself how "this" or "that" could be a lot better, that I'm sloppy, that I'm drawing for no reason if other people are doing it better than me. At first, I was drawing because it genuinely made me happy, but now it feels like I draw because I like the attention that comes with it, which I already know is INCREDIBLY unhealthy. Not even just that, but whenever I do draw, thoughts always kick in, telling me "your mom really died in a car accident for you to draw this" or "your grandmom is dying and this is how you cope with it?".. everyone tells me that I need to overcome those thoughts, but the progressively get worse and worse, but I just lie and tell people that I'm feeling better, even though I'm not.
What does this mean for my art?
I'm still not entirely sure. I've been taken advantage of, manipulated, and mentally drained to draw so much that I really don't know if I want to continue with it anymore, and I've been feeling like this this entire year, yet I still force myself to make new art because I fear if I don't, I'll lose all of my friends, and I'll lose myself as a person. The stuff I draw, I get a lot of enjoyment out of, but I can't enjoy it when I'm making it. So now I'm just in this loop of feeling awful about myself, getting motivation, forcing myself to draw while giving myself the most destructive criticism, and just feeling even more miserable after every piece I make. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore, or how to help myself.
How is Grandmom?
She's okay at most. She keeps telling me that she's recovering just fine, but I know she isn't. She just wants me to feel comfortable, but she needs to know that no matter how hurtful the truth is, I need to hear it for myself. She always says she's fine, but follows up to talking about her affairs, and her cremation. It's fucking with me in all the worst ways. She keeps crying, and worrying about how I'll do when she's gone, and honestly? She has every right to. I don't even know what's going to happen to me when she passes. We're already so financially struggling that I wouldn't be surprised if I'd be on the streets when she passes. As much as I want to say that I'll be fine, I really won't. She's the last family I really have. Every family member that passed took a piece of myself with them, and now it's to the point where I hardly even know myself anymore. Suicide has been on my mind, but I'm really trying to avoid that topic, but I sleep comfortable with a knife on my nightstand, knowing that if it gets any worse, there's another option. Yet, I never bring myself into doing it, life is too valuable.
I'm sorry, I felt like venting, because in my mind, I'm feeling ignored by pretty much everyone. I absolutely hate venting to people, let alone, to the public. Please don't take any of this to heart.
