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I'm so tired of everyone at this point.
2 years ago
I'm just making it known to everyone I'm really thinking of just disconnecting from the whole world, face book, all messengers, everything, and go live as a fucking hermit in the woods at this point because of the shear amount of disrespect I face on a daily basis from EVERYONE in my life and I can't genuinely take it anymore.
So as a lot of people know in 2022 I had a heart attack and went into a coma, since then, certain times I will get indigestion, that feel exactly 100% like having a heart attack, no hyperbole, no I'm being a drama queen, full stop, the pain is equal to, and feels exactly like, level, where it's at, and everything, is exactly the fucking same as having a heart attack.
Last night I went through that incident of indigestion, after eating Jalapenos, and I was up until 8am vomiting green bile until the peppers came out and the pain subsided, but while I'm naked writhing on the floor of my bathroom, in a pain that genuinely feels like my heart has stopped, having experienced that, and again, not hyperbolic, that it felt like that. I got told I'm being an asshole and not understanding someone fucking else for saying no to a favor, then when asking for the day off work, Mondays being my day off, told that no one else could do my job, and I needed to suck it up, even though I said "it feels like I'm having a heart attack right now. I can't come in on my day off."
This has been going on since I got out of rehab and was able to walk again for the first time in 4 months. The second I was able to do stuff for myself, without assistance, I was hoisted onto a roof and made to clean it, then I was shipped 3 hours away and told I had to clean a garage that people couldn't walk in. I have been told to do for everyone, every second of everyday of my life, and my "vacation" was me shitting my pants because I can't get out of bed without falling into a wall, and not able to even shower myself, and learning all those skills again because I didn't have the muscle to take care of myself.
But yet, the second I regained any independence, I pushed through all that bullshit, I have been expected to instantly help other people, without taking a second to sit and breath and help myself. and when I ask for that reprieve I'm berated and treated like a piece of shit and a horrible monster for wanting to not wake up and spend 7 hours cleaning the kitchen while working a 45 hour work week, plus an extra 4 hours on my day off. I'm the fucking jackass because when I make 4 pizzas from scratch, the kitchen is spotless, and I am not doing "enough" because my roomie who used every pot and pan in the house to make a BOWL of mac and cheese didn't do their dishes and it's my "responsibility" to do that. I am berated and degraded for doing chores around the house, but then told I'm a jackass for not doing the chores around the house. I'm constantly being barraged by how I have to silent work as a fucking gremlin in the shadows to make life work for other people, but I am not allowed to be seen doing any of the chores, and I could very well as much die on the ground, and people keep telling me I'm not doing enough for them, and when I'm dead people just moving onto the next person.
I'm sick of this existence, I'm sick of this mortal coil. I can't do anything, not a single goddamn thing in this world, without being the jackass, and yet I'm the laziest, most uncaring person at the same time.
I'm not asking a lot from people right now, I'm asking to be left alone when I cook, and not to depend on me for every little thing, and the fact I have refused to want to do anything for anyone else while In the throws of pain that feel like a heart attack I'm just being asked favors of and getting berated and penalized for saying no is fucking absurd to me, I have not slept the last 2 weekends I've had, I have not had a single second of free time on my last 2 weekends, and I have not had any enjoyment that is just for myself in years without me having to throw a tantrum like a goddamn fucking toddler and piss everyone off before people take me fucking seriously. and I'm just drained.
I can't keep moving on like this, and I genuinely am sick of it being it not being something I have control over. It is literally one of those "it's not my fault" moments and I know people deflect and blame others for these kind of problems, but I admit it's my fault for drinking too much for my health being the way it is, I'm eating better, exercising, being cleaner and better of a person in that regard, I'm making improvements where I can for that, but the fact, that I have to bend over fucking backwards for people while I feel like I'm fucking dying, and when I say no, and get berated for it, I'm so done. It's a lack of empathy on everyone I come across part, feeling that it is necessary to milk every ounce of energy from me to the point where I'm a husk left over. and when I can't continue to give anymore, I'm an asshole for not giving enough. I haven't slept in 2 weeks, and me saying I need the space I need the time to even just sleep and being told that's selfish is just... I can't anymore.
So as a lot of people know in 2022 I had a heart attack and went into a coma, since then, certain times I will get indigestion, that feel exactly 100% like having a heart attack, no hyperbole, no I'm being a drama queen, full stop, the pain is equal to, and feels exactly like, level, where it's at, and everything, is exactly the fucking same as having a heart attack.
Last night I went through that incident of indigestion, after eating Jalapenos, and I was up until 8am vomiting green bile until the peppers came out and the pain subsided, but while I'm naked writhing on the floor of my bathroom, in a pain that genuinely feels like my heart has stopped, having experienced that, and again, not hyperbolic, that it felt like that. I got told I'm being an asshole and not understanding someone fucking else for saying no to a favor, then when asking for the day off work, Mondays being my day off, told that no one else could do my job, and I needed to suck it up, even though I said "it feels like I'm having a heart attack right now. I can't come in on my day off."
This has been going on since I got out of rehab and was able to walk again for the first time in 4 months. The second I was able to do stuff for myself, without assistance, I was hoisted onto a roof and made to clean it, then I was shipped 3 hours away and told I had to clean a garage that people couldn't walk in. I have been told to do for everyone, every second of everyday of my life, and my "vacation" was me shitting my pants because I can't get out of bed without falling into a wall, and not able to even shower myself, and learning all those skills again because I didn't have the muscle to take care of myself.
But yet, the second I regained any independence, I pushed through all that bullshit, I have been expected to instantly help other people, without taking a second to sit and breath and help myself. and when I ask for that reprieve I'm berated and treated like a piece of shit and a horrible monster for wanting to not wake up and spend 7 hours cleaning the kitchen while working a 45 hour work week, plus an extra 4 hours on my day off. I'm the fucking jackass because when I make 4 pizzas from scratch, the kitchen is spotless, and I am not doing "enough" because my roomie who used every pot and pan in the house to make a BOWL of mac and cheese didn't do their dishes and it's my "responsibility" to do that. I am berated and degraded for doing chores around the house, but then told I'm a jackass for not doing the chores around the house. I'm constantly being barraged by how I have to silent work as a fucking gremlin in the shadows to make life work for other people, but I am not allowed to be seen doing any of the chores, and I could very well as much die on the ground, and people keep telling me I'm not doing enough for them, and when I'm dead people just moving onto the next person.
I'm sick of this existence, I'm sick of this mortal coil. I can't do anything, not a single goddamn thing in this world, without being the jackass, and yet I'm the laziest, most uncaring person at the same time.
I'm not asking a lot from people right now, I'm asking to be left alone when I cook, and not to depend on me for every little thing, and the fact I have refused to want to do anything for anyone else while In the throws of pain that feel like a heart attack I'm just being asked favors of and getting berated and penalized for saying no is fucking absurd to me, I have not slept the last 2 weekends I've had, I have not had a single second of free time on my last 2 weekends, and I have not had any enjoyment that is just for myself in years without me having to throw a tantrum like a goddamn fucking toddler and piss everyone off before people take me fucking seriously. and I'm just drained.
I can't keep moving on like this, and I genuinely am sick of it being it not being something I have control over. It is literally one of those "it's not my fault" moments and I know people deflect and blame others for these kind of problems, but I admit it's my fault for drinking too much for my health being the way it is, I'm eating better, exercising, being cleaner and better of a person in that regard, I'm making improvements where I can for that, but the fact, that I have to bend over fucking backwards for people while I feel like I'm fucking dying, and when I say no, and get berated for it, I'm so done. It's a lack of empathy on everyone I come across part, feeling that it is necessary to milk every ounce of energy from me to the point where I'm a husk left over. and when I can't continue to give anymore, I'm an asshole for not giving enough. I haven't slept in 2 weeks, and me saying I need the space I need the time to even just sleep and being told that's selfish is just... I can't anymore.
