I keep having nightmares, when painting, when I look for references and come across rape furry art, I get panic attacks because I was traumatized about sex as a child. I constantly feel shame and guilt for being slow and long in drawing. Bipolar disorder and ADHD prevent me from working, studying, and living. My computer that I work on is falling apart. My life is falling apart. I don't make enough time to paint to have enough money for a life of studying and painting. Every month I feel more and more like suicide is the only way out. If you think talking to people will help me, you're wrong. I'm so damn tired, socializing won't make me feel better. I'm in fucking Russia where I could be sent to jail or a mental hospital at any moment just for being a transgender girl. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of life not getting better no matter how hard I try All I want to do is die so that this daily nightmare will finally end.