I don't know what to say, It's already passed 2 years of russian invasion and our people still continue to die and suffer from missles, occupation, tortures and destroing of ukrainian language and culture.

Two years ago in this day I didn't even realised what happened for the first time, not even after friend's message in telegram at 5 AM. Only when I came to take a coffee I suddenly heared explosion and saw a very long line of cars at the gas station, I'm started to understand. No fear or even panic I was feeling (which was suprising for me, the person, who has a hard depression), it came few days later, when my brain finally processed, what was happening.

First days of war for me are still feeling surreal because of my own mental health. It was a first time, when I had a crystal clear mind, feeling not terrible as always and doing for my family much more, than I could. Yeah, it started to be a little scarry to sleep in our room (the window were to close to my and sister's beds), but most of those time I'm really feeling normal.

The realization of ruined life came later, in April. My memories are mixed up to much because of permanent stress, so I can somethin forget to tell, I'm sorry.

Most disgusting thing for me were the betrayal from some my close friends from Russia. One of them just asked me to not talking about war in the chat, because it was "spoiling" his mood. Another one tried to gaslight me and telling that Ukraine was bombing our cities, and Russia was trying to save us (bruh, still glad I've blocked him) and other shit. The last one didn't even know about war. And she didn't care about me, which was painful for me. I was crying for hours, feeling abandoned and couldn't understand why they did this to me and why they didn't even try to stop the war.

My parents are pro-russian, and some of you can't even imagine how russian propaganda can make a real zombies from your family. How easily it takes closest people from you. Sometimes when I'm trying to talk to them, it always feels like you're talking to TV, not to alive persons. And it scares me so much. I don't know, how to fix it, but I'm glad they are old enough and harmless to others. :'^)

Still feeling awful, when remember how my grandmother and grandfather could being killed, if they weren't so lucky. I remember how they called and wanted to take us to their house (which were near Hostomel) two years ago. They thought that if we leave the city, it will be more safe, but thanks god, we decided to stay at home. And remember how grandfather had anRemember how russian missle hited an ambulance station, where my best friend worked (I'm really happy it wasn't his work shift that day) and how in russian news were telling about elemination of "nazis". Remember how many misslies hited our plant and we were sitting without electricity, heat and sometimes without water. Remember Mariupol, Bucha, Hostomel, Irpin (and other many cities and villages which were destroyed and turned to ashes). Remember how Kakhovka dam was blowed by russians an how many foreign media were silent about that. How our power plants were invaded (like Chornobyl NPP and Zaporizhzhia NPP). Remeber how my health got worse, some of you maybe remember how I was suffering from wisdom tooth for 6 months and I couldn't find a doctor (because too many specialists left the country), problems with back, when I couldn't even hold a pen without treatment, etc. Too many terrible things were happened to my family, I can't even imagine how are feeling people, who was (or still live) in occupation, was murdered, tortured, who are still defending our country, who are lost their homes, families, friends and pets.

I'm still can't pull myself together. 2 years past, but it's still very hard to rebuild your life and find the reasons to live. Sorry if the text came out chaotic, I'm not good at expressing my feelings in text form. Especially in english (with mistakes, ugh). I prefer to hold my feelings back.