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What makes it midlife?
a year ago
'w'? Honestly... How do you know you've had a midlife crisis... If you don't know when you're goin to die... It could be a quarterlife crisis! But seriously... -w-...
I am a quiet individual who's full of trauma, I have a lot of problems because of my history of being abused and miscommunication and being unable to understand people. When I say my persona is something that doesn't fit in, but is trying to fit in... Because it represents me. Imagine being an alien, or another creature, and you're surrounded by tons of these creatures you want to be like. You try to role play as them, emulate them, act like them, and even mimic them... It makes them uncomfortable. You cannot communicate well with them, but you keep trying to do better... Just doing better is hard, especially alone. You try to be like them, you want to be accepted by them... But not as one of them... But as yourself... But each time they realize you're not like them, they throw you aside...
I've been studying many groups of people all my life... And I was most welcome to the fandom years ago. A bunch of outcasts who had imaginations and silly ideas coming together... Then... Well, things change I guess. I am still acting like the silly little outcast... But no, you gotta be popular, you gotta get social points, you need to draw, you need money, you need to try to put yourself out there... I have severe social anxiety to the point I can't work a dang waiter job or I panic attack after a few days... Expecting me to become popular? HECK... I started to realize... I cannot emulate furries anymore, because I'm still that silly outcast, but those around me... Aren't. They're normal people who like furry art. They're 'mainstream' someone told me... What ever that means...
The quiet little shadow listens and hears many things... And sees things... How does this affect it... I don't want fame for the main reason that I don't want to be hurt. I make one mistake as a nobody, people disown me... Imagine if I make a mistake as a famous person... And my life is ruined...
I like listening to peoples' musings, the weird and strange things they're into, fantasy or not. I like how people are fans of things normal people would gasp at in abhorrence. Normality is... Weird... I guess I'm weird...
So the question is... Why did I start with what I did?
Well... Being called a failure by my own father, even knowing I am a failure in many regards to societal norms, while also being a lonely individual has me thinking... Many things honestly...
So, I am also a failure by the furry standards as well. I avoid fame and popularity. I am careful on who I let close due to my issues with abandonment and whatnot too... I am also not an artist... In the furry sense. I do a lot of stuff, but... Character art doesn't work for me because of a problem I have IRL. I can do abstract art, as long as it's really short... And doesn't take longer than a few days (Depression limitations, whee). I can also do some pixel work, not figure based, but mechanical and... not overly complex. I can write and world build... But we all know most furries don't like writers that don't have fanart of their writings... Many people are constantly seeking instant gratification, and artwork is easier than reading a short story about a rock murderizing people. I know how to blacksmith, if only I had a workshop like in my youth... I know how to carve things, mold clay, and so on, but not in ways that furries would enjoy. Long story short... I do not fit in within the fandom's expectations.
I am not valuable. I never have been. As a child, I was made fun of all the time for being 'not normal'. I never had friends... Those who claimed to be my friends would disown me after a while or used me for one reason or another. I would make many online friends who turned out to just be humoring me, because at the end of the day, they were making fun of me behind my back. I was a drama magnet in my youth... Because I had social anxiety and did not even know it until around age 25-26, when I had so many burned bridges. Chat rooms were literally driving me insane. I figured part of the problem was... I was trying to mimic too many people at once, or predict them, or understand them, and it'd overload me. My limit was 5. Five people in the same place. For short durations, I am not that bad... But over time it will wear on me and I will get tired... I will panic, I will act out, I will lash out, and my depression will create problems.
I have had multiple relationships in my life. None really... Lasted... I get ghosted, I get abused, I get lied to, I get cheated on... Anyone who meets me in person realizes the hundreds of masks I've molded into whatever this is *gestures at self* doesn't translate, when I can barely mask myself in the real world; an autistic man who has problems communicating. I want to have a partner of some kind... But a friend brought up an amazing point... What do I bring to the table in a relationship... I have been thinking on this...
I am a failure. I cannot bring financial stability. Why? Each time I work, I get injured, or my mistakes compound until I am removed or have to leave. I want to write, but my depression locks me out of making anything meaningful or worth an ounce of monetary value. I am also full of trauma; no one wants to deal with that. Get married to the man who has traumatic paranoia over weird shit, surely nothing wrong can happen from that... My emotional baggage from being abused my whole life has left me scarred and hard to deal with... And my communication problems make it worse at times. I am not 'sexy' or handsome, and I lack most forms of charisma in personality traits... Outside of some silly humor... I have depression, social anxiety, autism, and paranoia... And people don't want to deal with one of those things in a spouse, let alone all four... I also have abandonment issues since people will tell me "I will never leave you, I'll be understanding", I make one mistake, sometimes without realizing it, and they just... Toss me aside because they can easily get a replacement friend. I am not valuable. I will not bring fame. I will not bring money. I will not bring art or gifts... I am terrified of receiving gifts too, because I feel horrible for not being able to give anything in return outside of emotional support.
Those are the negatives. There are other things... Like some of my phobias, my aversion to politics, and my personal physiological problems too... But I think those are the priority negatives.
Now the positives... ... I am smart. A man will never be 'smart' if they state they are smart, I know... But I am not a 'self proclaimed genius' or some stupid shit like that... I just... Know things. I research things, I study things, I bring science into my life before anything else. I am helpful. I like to help people when I can, if I can, anyway I can. I've been alone my whole life, so I want people to be less alone, or at least feel less alone. I care, and want to do things with people, spend time with them, make them happy... But it's hard when everyone has different thresholds of what makes them happy. I am open minded to a dangerous degree... I've known people into really messed up stuff that could get them hurt or otherwise, and even if I told them 'at least be safe about it', I would support them as long as it didn't hurt others. I have my own desires that are slightly self destructive or weird too... Met a couple of people who are also weird like me, yay, I guess...
So I have some positives... That anyone can have really... But in terms of the furry fandom? I'm a weird little blip that no one really cares about. I try to adopt kinks and weird stuff from others that I think they'll like, and sometimes it'll explode in my face when they don't like it anymore... They'll call me gross for still liking it... When I only did it because I wanted to be closer to them. I've had times when I change my entire personality to fit what someone wants me to be, and they get bored with me because I am 'too perfect' or 'lack flaws' they were looking for in someone... I've had times where I just bloody make a mistake because someone sent something to me, I thought it was neat, and didn't know the context behind it, only to be thrown under the bus with no way to defend myself because I didn't know any better... All this makes me terrified to even have a 'best friend', let alone a partner or a dominant or a submissive or whatever kind of intimate relationship... Because I feel it would be shattered like the rest.
I have had two good break ups out of 28 relationships. One was mutual, we felt we couldn't support each other in different ways... We are still friends. The other... Just grew distant from me... And I understood my emotional and depressed self probably pushed her away... But later in life... I met her again, and we are friends... She's the oldest friend on my list, and she's kind and wonderful, and I wish her the best... But I also know she left the fandom with good reason. The other 26... I had 4 people cheat on me, I had 2 people blackmail me, I had a dom who told me I had to 'earn' the right to even say hi to them... I had several people who just ghosted me after showing interest in me, and I had some who just hurt me because they didn't like me... I don't know why they considered themselves intimate to me prior to those reactions...
I am a quiet little shadow... I listen to everyone... I know many secrets... I know many lies... I know many things... But I am alone. The quiet little shadow... Wants a companion... To tell the little stories it has heard... But won't that turn you into a quiet little shadow too... Who knows...
-w-... I am having a midlife crisis because I have no accomplished enough in life, and I can't just 'get better', I can't just one day stand up, go outside, and run laps and grow strong... I can't just 'be better at life' because it is hard... I know it's hard for everyone, but it's especially hard for someone who feels trapped, who cannot do much, who doesn't get to live his life outside of a box connected to the internet... I want to do more... But it is hard... And I cannot do it alone, I never could. I've always needed someone by my side to help encourage me to do better... Because in my damned family... No one does shit on their own, and even if I try to do better... I get lumped in with the others... And my self esteem dies again... Because it's true... I am a failure. I have accomplished very little...
Sorry.
I am a quiet individual who's full of trauma, I have a lot of problems because of my history of being abused and miscommunication and being unable to understand people. When I say my persona is something that doesn't fit in, but is trying to fit in... Because it represents me. Imagine being an alien, or another creature, and you're surrounded by tons of these creatures you want to be like. You try to role play as them, emulate them, act like them, and even mimic them... It makes them uncomfortable. You cannot communicate well with them, but you keep trying to do better... Just doing better is hard, especially alone. You try to be like them, you want to be accepted by them... But not as one of them... But as yourself... But each time they realize you're not like them, they throw you aside...
I've been studying many groups of people all my life... And I was most welcome to the fandom years ago. A bunch of outcasts who had imaginations and silly ideas coming together... Then... Well, things change I guess. I am still acting like the silly little outcast... But no, you gotta be popular, you gotta get social points, you need to draw, you need money, you need to try to put yourself out there... I have severe social anxiety to the point I can't work a dang waiter job or I panic attack after a few days... Expecting me to become popular? HECK... I started to realize... I cannot emulate furries anymore, because I'm still that silly outcast, but those around me... Aren't. They're normal people who like furry art. They're 'mainstream' someone told me... What ever that means...
The quiet little shadow listens and hears many things... And sees things... How does this affect it... I don't want fame for the main reason that I don't want to be hurt. I make one mistake as a nobody, people disown me... Imagine if I make a mistake as a famous person... And my life is ruined...
I like listening to peoples' musings, the weird and strange things they're into, fantasy or not. I like how people are fans of things normal people would gasp at in abhorrence. Normality is... Weird... I guess I'm weird...
So the question is... Why did I start with what I did?
Well... Being called a failure by my own father, even knowing I am a failure in many regards to societal norms, while also being a lonely individual has me thinking... Many things honestly...
So, I am also a failure by the furry standards as well. I avoid fame and popularity. I am careful on who I let close due to my issues with abandonment and whatnot too... I am also not an artist... In the furry sense. I do a lot of stuff, but... Character art doesn't work for me because of a problem I have IRL. I can do abstract art, as long as it's really short... And doesn't take longer than a few days (Depression limitations, whee). I can also do some pixel work, not figure based, but mechanical and... not overly complex. I can write and world build... But we all know most furries don't like writers that don't have fanart of their writings... Many people are constantly seeking instant gratification, and artwork is easier than reading a short story about a rock murderizing people. I know how to blacksmith, if only I had a workshop like in my youth... I know how to carve things, mold clay, and so on, but not in ways that furries would enjoy. Long story short... I do not fit in within the fandom's expectations.
I am not valuable. I never have been. As a child, I was made fun of all the time for being 'not normal'. I never had friends... Those who claimed to be my friends would disown me after a while or used me for one reason or another. I would make many online friends who turned out to just be humoring me, because at the end of the day, they were making fun of me behind my back. I was a drama magnet in my youth... Because I had social anxiety and did not even know it until around age 25-26, when I had so many burned bridges. Chat rooms were literally driving me insane. I figured part of the problem was... I was trying to mimic too many people at once, or predict them, or understand them, and it'd overload me. My limit was 5. Five people in the same place. For short durations, I am not that bad... But over time it will wear on me and I will get tired... I will panic, I will act out, I will lash out, and my depression will create problems.
I have had multiple relationships in my life. None really... Lasted... I get ghosted, I get abused, I get lied to, I get cheated on... Anyone who meets me in person realizes the hundreds of masks I've molded into whatever this is *gestures at self* doesn't translate, when I can barely mask myself in the real world; an autistic man who has problems communicating. I want to have a partner of some kind... But a friend brought up an amazing point... What do I bring to the table in a relationship... I have been thinking on this...
I am a failure. I cannot bring financial stability. Why? Each time I work, I get injured, or my mistakes compound until I am removed or have to leave. I want to write, but my depression locks me out of making anything meaningful or worth an ounce of monetary value. I am also full of trauma; no one wants to deal with that. Get married to the man who has traumatic paranoia over weird shit, surely nothing wrong can happen from that... My emotional baggage from being abused my whole life has left me scarred and hard to deal with... And my communication problems make it worse at times. I am not 'sexy' or handsome, and I lack most forms of charisma in personality traits... Outside of some silly humor... I have depression, social anxiety, autism, and paranoia... And people don't want to deal with one of those things in a spouse, let alone all four... I also have abandonment issues since people will tell me "I will never leave you, I'll be understanding", I make one mistake, sometimes without realizing it, and they just... Toss me aside because they can easily get a replacement friend. I am not valuable. I will not bring fame. I will not bring money. I will not bring art or gifts... I am terrified of receiving gifts too, because I feel horrible for not being able to give anything in return outside of emotional support.
Those are the negatives. There are other things... Like some of my phobias, my aversion to politics, and my personal physiological problems too... But I think those are the priority negatives.
Now the positives... ... I am smart. A man will never be 'smart' if they state they are smart, I know... But I am not a 'self proclaimed genius' or some stupid shit like that... I just... Know things. I research things, I study things, I bring science into my life before anything else. I am helpful. I like to help people when I can, if I can, anyway I can. I've been alone my whole life, so I want people to be less alone, or at least feel less alone. I care, and want to do things with people, spend time with them, make them happy... But it's hard when everyone has different thresholds of what makes them happy. I am open minded to a dangerous degree... I've known people into really messed up stuff that could get them hurt or otherwise, and even if I told them 'at least be safe about it', I would support them as long as it didn't hurt others. I have my own desires that are slightly self destructive or weird too... Met a couple of people who are also weird like me, yay, I guess...
So I have some positives... That anyone can have really... But in terms of the furry fandom? I'm a weird little blip that no one really cares about. I try to adopt kinks and weird stuff from others that I think they'll like, and sometimes it'll explode in my face when they don't like it anymore... They'll call me gross for still liking it... When I only did it because I wanted to be closer to them. I've had times when I change my entire personality to fit what someone wants me to be, and they get bored with me because I am 'too perfect' or 'lack flaws' they were looking for in someone... I've had times where I just bloody make a mistake because someone sent something to me, I thought it was neat, and didn't know the context behind it, only to be thrown under the bus with no way to defend myself because I didn't know any better... All this makes me terrified to even have a 'best friend', let alone a partner or a dominant or a submissive or whatever kind of intimate relationship... Because I feel it would be shattered like the rest.
I have had two good break ups out of 28 relationships. One was mutual, we felt we couldn't support each other in different ways... We are still friends. The other... Just grew distant from me... And I understood my emotional and depressed self probably pushed her away... But later in life... I met her again, and we are friends... She's the oldest friend on my list, and she's kind and wonderful, and I wish her the best... But I also know she left the fandom with good reason. The other 26... I had 4 people cheat on me, I had 2 people blackmail me, I had a dom who told me I had to 'earn' the right to even say hi to them... I had several people who just ghosted me after showing interest in me, and I had some who just hurt me because they didn't like me... I don't know why they considered themselves intimate to me prior to those reactions...
I am a quiet little shadow... I listen to everyone... I know many secrets... I know many lies... I know many things... But I am alone. The quiet little shadow... Wants a companion... To tell the little stories it has heard... But won't that turn you into a quiet little shadow too... Who knows...
-w-... I am having a midlife crisis because I have no accomplished enough in life, and I can't just 'get better', I can't just one day stand up, go outside, and run laps and grow strong... I can't just 'be better at life' because it is hard... I know it's hard for everyone, but it's especially hard for someone who feels trapped, who cannot do much, who doesn't get to live his life outside of a box connected to the internet... I want to do more... But it is hard... And I cannot do it alone, I never could. I've always needed someone by my side to help encourage me to do better... Because in my damned family... No one does shit on their own, and even if I try to do better... I get lumped in with the others... And my self esteem dies again... Because it's true... I am a failure. I have accomplished very little...
Sorry.
Sorry, the joke popped into my head, I know it's a serious subject.
And I think that I understand you, at least a little bit. I don't think about myself in terms of traumas, but overall I'm very anxious and hate "myself", not being able to live being it, while emotionally feeling apathy. I don't really know exactly why, but this body doesn't feel like me and feels like something hostile, even with stuff like thoughts. And I have this sort of brain fog very strongly, which alongside strong anxiety and lack of confidence and even just feeling that everything is worthless makes it hard to do much in life.
Sorry for talking about myself instead of you. I didn't know what else to say than to try to share something about myself after you having done that. If you want to know I think you're a great person. You're a shadow that is there and observes, rather than is hostile to others. There is some sort of very strong thoughtfulness in all of that in my opinion. Many people probably just live through life in a shallow way, not trying to understand others, or themselves.
The first face people see of you here is you shyly hiding in your robot shell. As you've let your guard down a bit around me I've seen your real self come out a bit, and I like what I've seen.
I always said that it might be better to choose your own midlife crisis rather than having one thrust upon you. I never thought I had one, but perhaps my long time girlfriend deciding to kick me to the curb almost ten years ago was it, but that would mean I'm going to have a very long life. It was in the wind for a long time, though. I was pretty good at accepting her downsides, but she was much less willing to accept mine. A shame, because we got along so well on many things, and had so many interests in common.
As far as the fandom, I've long seen it as a place where outcasts of society often find a welcoming home. People here are able to create a character to represent themselves, and interact with that self rather then as the broken or discriminated against self that so many seem to represent to a conformist society.
It seems to me that more recently I've seen the influence of social media and its emphasis on numbers cause a lot of people to feel inadequate if they don't fit the impossible and mostly unattainable and unmaintainable standard of the hyper popular, who have been held up as some sort of thing to emulate. I find that sad. A lot of people are hurting themselves because of this.
Almost 200 people are following me at this point. The vast majority of them never interact with me. I'll take the handful of folks that do, any day. I'll take a small community to some arbitrary number any day. Which is really more significant?
As far as being silly, it's a keyword in my personality. As much as there are many subjects that I take very seriously, life is too short to not be willing to be silly, or to take everything TOO seriously. I had a girlfriend a while back who called off our relationship largely because she thought I didn't take a lot of things seriously enough. Sorry, nothing is sacred, and I find humor everywhere, even, or maybe even especially, in the more serious issues.
Having a troubled family life is a strike against you from the beginning. It can set a tone for your whole life. It's often hard to escape that. While by no means always easy, my life growing up was mostly pathetically average. certainly nothing like what I observed with many of my peers. I WAS the black sheep of my family though, because I was always an individualist and chafed against authority and social conventions. I think that overall this made me stronger in my convictions, though, which set me up for becoming the person I am now.
All one can ever do is be true to oneself. We're all imperfect and broken in some way. You're obviously a very smart and caring guy. That counts for an awful lot. I'm convinced that there is someone out there for everyone. All you can ever do is persist, and you may well find one of those people yet.
Also! 'w'! I hope you do have a long life, you're an interesting person!
Our destiny, if you can call the random path of our lives that, is more than genetics, though. There's nature, there is nurture, and there's random chance.
I may well be doomed to a long life, if my family history means anything. Of course that only counts for so much.
I don't particularly care if I live a long life, as long as it's relatively happy. Many of those haters have proven that they're living miserable lives. I see this all the time.
On top of that, I've also struggled with feelings that I'm not creative enough to be on a site like this. I haven't accomplished very much either, because my mind tends be foggy and all over the place.
But the positive is that I get genuine joy and satisfaction out of merely being support. Out of encouraging others in their creative endeavors and offering them commentary and criticism. I firmly believe genuine friendships can be formed through this, even if things are often hit or miss, given the current state of the fandom
I obviously don't have any magic words that will resolve your issues, but I do want you to know that you I find you kind and intelligent and I hope that you can find lasting sources of joy and satisfaction. Always remember you are not alone in your struggles and your "brokenness".
A long time ago... A friend? Family member? I don't recall... Someone told me, "You're an intelligent person... And that can intimidate people who want to be close to you. Sometimes you have to act stupid to make friends." And it... Sort of works..? Sometimes... ;w;... Maybe that is why comedy is important... I can be dumb and silly... And someone will laugh and smile...
The fandom is very... Odd... When it comes to talents... You'll have suit makers who have little to no skill in the 2d medium... You'll have doll makers who make beautiful works... You even have glass blowers... The latter two rarely get love unless they're already sunk in or have the right connections. The fandom is very instant gratification, because they've dug into the internet so hard... The internet was always about instant gratification, look at short form videos for examples of that...
'w'! You're a good fellow... I sympathize a lot with you. Thank you for your words.