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I'm not at the level of a professional, and that's okay
a year ago
Recently I've been pretty upset at my ability as an artist. I've been comparing myself to others, measuring their growth and comparing it to my own. People have become professionals before my eyes, while I've made little progress in comparison. I couldn't help but be jealous at them, and angry at myself. I've been drawing for so many years, how can they be so much better than me?
I blame social media for this horrible jealous streak I get. When I compare myself to people all around the world, of course I'm not going to measure up. But that doesn't make it better. And aside from that, it's not the root of the issue.
I'm not disciplined, nor am I focused. I don't draw nearly as often as I should be. I draw for less than an hour a day, not even every day. In the meantime, I'm spending several hours a day playing video games or browsing the internet. I'm making no effort to learn how to improve, nor am I working to foster improvement. If I want to seriously improve, I need to focus less on gaming and scrolling, and more on art. And yet...
The fact is, I'm not a professional artist. I never will be a professional artist. I have a full time job. So even if I commit to improving, I will never be at the level of a professional. And that's something I need to accept about myself. I can't be comparing myself to professional artists, because I am not one. I'm just a hobbyist. And that's okay, because I don't even really want to be a professional artist. Being a professional artist generally means drawing what other people want me to draw. I want to draw what I want to draw.
And I think the fact that I'm sticking with it, that I am drawing at all, despite life taking me in other directions, that is an accomplishment for me. And that's something that's only happened because of the support of my friends and watchers.
So, the issue is less about a need to improve. The issue is the jealousy I feel towards those who are more skilled. That is what I need to work on more than anything. In order to curb jealousy, I need to be okay with myself. And so that's why I'm writing this journal, to serve as a constant reminder for myself. What I'm doing now is okay. I don't need to be as good as other artists. Just making art is enough. So I should keep doing what I'm doing, and I should be proud of myself, because I'm still drawing, despite everything.
I blame social media for this horrible jealous streak I get. When I compare myself to people all around the world, of course I'm not going to measure up. But that doesn't make it better. And aside from that, it's not the root of the issue.
I'm not disciplined, nor am I focused. I don't draw nearly as often as I should be. I draw for less than an hour a day, not even every day. In the meantime, I'm spending several hours a day playing video games or browsing the internet. I'm making no effort to learn how to improve, nor am I working to foster improvement. If I want to seriously improve, I need to focus less on gaming and scrolling, and more on art. And yet...
The fact is, I'm not a professional artist. I never will be a professional artist. I have a full time job. So even if I commit to improving, I will never be at the level of a professional. And that's something I need to accept about myself. I can't be comparing myself to professional artists, because I am not one. I'm just a hobbyist. And that's okay, because I don't even really want to be a professional artist. Being a professional artist generally means drawing what other people want me to draw. I want to draw what I want to draw.
And I think the fact that I'm sticking with it, that I am drawing at all, despite life taking me in other directions, that is an accomplishment for me. And that's something that's only happened because of the support of my friends and watchers.
So, the issue is less about a need to improve. The issue is the jealousy I feel towards those who are more skilled. That is what I need to work on more than anything. In order to curb jealousy, I need to be okay with myself. And so that's why I'm writing this journal, to serve as a constant reminder for myself. What I'm doing now is okay. I don't need to be as good as other artists. Just making art is enough. So I should keep doing what I'm doing, and I should be proud of myself, because I'm still drawing, despite everything.
I've only recently begun to overcome this unhealthy state of mind. Working on my self-esteem, health, and just myself as a person has helped a lot with my outlook on art. I'm learning to enjoy seeing, and be inspired by other people again. And feel more motivated with my own work, too. It's still a process, but I'm slowly doing better with it.
It's nice to hear someone else going through a similar thing, and this seems to be something a lot of artists end up going through. I've always enjoyed seeing your work, Rob. And you've always kept sticking to doing your art through all these years, and will continue to do so for years to come! That is an admirable accomplishment all on its own.
Anyway; sorry for the long-winded reply, but thanks for sharing your feelings. If you ever need another person to chat with about art stuff, or anything else, I'm always around! SirRob is a super cool dude~ :3
Feel proud for admitting your jealously and that at the same time you are working on it.