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An actual (and heavy) update
2 years ago
General
Hey ya'll. Did it again because life did it again...
So, in November/December, I posted in a couple places I would write about my holidays and how BAD they ended up being, but it seems that 2024 wanted to continue that trend with some really depressing and heavy topics. As such, I've been busy...
But I won't say that my life is bad right now. Frustrating issues with dark topics float around me, don't get me wrong; but in all actuality, not only am I reconnecting with old friends, I've expanded my circle. And it feels good to be social again, even if my life right now is a little rough. There is some happy in my life right now that I am enjoying <3.
But, to get to the point, here is a rather ranty if unfocused dump of what is going on:
Last year, in March, my sister started experiencing weird issues with her motor skills and cognitive abilities. What occurred was a series of tests, and medical accommodations she needs to survive those tests, that determined she may have had a stroke. If only it were limited to the one... While she was recovering and planning to return before the end of the year, she had another. She has since been living with my parents. My mom has mostly been taking care of her...
And my father, as he has reached his mid-80's and started having the health problems that come with it. We learned he was diagnosed with a cancer several years ago, and while it has been mostly treated (I think, I'm unsure, he never told us), its presence carries a possibility of dementia. And that, combined with my father's behavior issues that have only worsened in his age, led to the last few months--especially the holidays--especially the holidays--having downer effects for myself and the family.
Thanksgiving was at least nice, but Christmas Eve and Day were nothing but sad attempts to make the holidays fun. Dad sat at home, refusing to come to my sister's place for a dinner my brother and I prepared because he got into a fight with my sister. Most of the interactions between Christmas and now have been an attempt to reach out and just see how he is mentally... or him just absolutely shutting himself off from the world (hey, I know where I get it).
So my mom has been having to deal with my mentally degrading father and sister. And while my sister may get unfairly screamed at by him at times, it's not like she doesn't poke the bear. And of course, her attitude has deteriorated too. Not just because of the stroke, as anyone who has been in a Discord call with me knows shecan be is a complete cunt. I am told this is making my parent's home a war zone and causing stress on my mom. She's getting more extreme because of my dad's extremism and hostility.
And when my sister comes by to visit her place, she brings that frustration with her. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful that she opened her house to me at a time I needed assistance. But while it may have started with good intentions, it has devolved in such a way that I am expected to keep the house EXACTLY how she wants it (read: she needs control) in her absence, despite:
1. Having rules that are inefficient, bizarre, obscene, or just dumb, only adhering to them because 'it is the rules'.
2. The two of us having completely different philosophies on how to handle problems in the home or taking care of animals
3. Issues outside, but including, regular upkeep of the location that becomes MY out-of-pocket expense
4. Being more wishy-washy than a flip-flop in the washing machine
5. Just being a god-damn asshole
Not going to mince words, because anyone who has been in a Discord call where she's barged in for one petty reason or another would know if I pulled a punch and agrees not to: she has extremely authoritarian rules that are so damn contradictory or otherwise unbelievable that, I can't not ignore them or take them seriously. One of these rules? "No furry stuff". And yeah, may be a bias to bring that one front and center here, but what she classifies as furry is 'anything with an animal' on it. This, obviously, casts a wide net on things not innately furry, but I should also point out all the shirts (which I focus specifically) are PG things you can see others wearing. Whether it is a shirt of 3 wolf moon, or an FWA shirt, or a drawing of a chibi fox that someone can sell from a stall, it would be furry, but something with say, a Pokémon on it, or a Dungeons and Dragons figure or a fucking Christmas sweater... also "furry"...
Now, aside from being overbearing and not having a right to do this (to anyone, much less a kid, but especially her sibling), if it was just getting nagged at, I could ignore it or at least confront and discuss. It has, however, led to her taking property and hiding it and potentially getting rid of it. To date: I am missing several FWA shirts (a close friend has given me some of their spares they didn't want, thank you Pyre), a couple of drawing books, keychain dangle doodads, and I am not sure what else. I have been able to recover some of this stuff, and usually, I find it within something she owns or in some place only she should go, like in her car or hidden under her bed. And of course, when I asked, she claims she hasn't seen the stuff, then I confront her on where I find my things, and I am accused of distrust. Yes, but it does not answer my question of why it gets there. She denies taking it, but once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, after a certain point, it feels intentional.
Fast-forward to the weekend starting March: we got in a HUGE fight. What petty thing this time? Lights. Specifically, I have been paying rent, but she doesn't feel I do enough. I am keeping her 4 cats, my 2 cats, and her 1 dog (which, I should point out, came in without my notice or consent 6 months before she fell ill, so I have been taking care of this dog twice/thrice as long as she has) alive and healthy, but she doesn't feel I do enough. I live and clean in her house while only really needing two rooms to myself, staying the HELL out of her way when she visits or stays a few, but it is not enough. So, I have now been told to pay the power bill as well. Alright, it is still a house to myself for a pittance and having to deal with a weekly headache in the terms of a bitch sister... but, if I am going to pay the power bill, I don't really want to pay more than I need. And by that, I usually turn lights off when they are unnecessary. Specifically, when I think they're unnecessary. Silly me, right? How dare I turn the lights off to a hallway when no one is in it and I leave? No, you read that right, she threw a temper tantrum at me and said I was disrespecting her by constantly turning the lights off. Yeah, by simply following Captain Planet, I pissed off Queen Bitch. Stuff like this may have been happening more and more often as time has gone on, but it has never gotten this bad.
The solution is clear, I need to move out again and get my own place. I'd prefer here, simply because I love Georgia, but I do not feel safe much anymore, what with all the extremism that seems to be going on, infecting from top down. Not to mention other family dramas like my brother's divorce. Poor him. (yes, even after everything, he got taken advantage of in this situation. It is a long story, and it sadly evolves every day).
AfterTheFactUpdate: Not even including the argument my sister brought with me and my brother today. LSS: We've been trying to build a shelf in her garage, but as life happens, projects shift. Well, not good enough for her. She wanted us to do that this weekend, despite not having the materials. Given how she regularly pokes us about this when the ball is out of our court, not even mentioning the rude-ass way she words her demands, my brother confronted her. She ended accused us of bullying her, ganging up on her because we refuse to move the project forward and calling us assholes. Of course, remember the narcisist prayer...
With all this happening, I had to get some priorities straight. The first one was obvious, I needed to resume seeing a therapist. I found a nice guy by the name of Tyler who is great. We've had great, if painful discussions. A lot of progress in a few sessions. Not sure if I should be happy about that, but I am proud.
I did also stop any HRT for the time being. Just... with my sister being as toxic as she is, I rather not be kicked out on the street till I find a place to stay without having to bother. Besides, I'm not entirely sure about it, and I'd rather not make any decisions that are heavy under duress. Fix one thing at a time to give it the full attention.
I have been attempting some creative pursuits more than just gaming lately in an attempt to branch out and do stuff. Yeah, I've been playing games like Balder's Gate 3, but I have also been doing Lethal Company and Helldivers II and Phasmophobia with friends, I've also been goofing around with video editing. Mostly clips of the formers, but I've also been trying animation out in the terms of video editing. I do have Clip Studio Paint and a new tablet too, so I am animating there as well. And finally, I've been fiddling, reading up with Godot and Blender. No real plans, but I have ideas and need a step. Thank you, humble bundle.
On other notes, I've also been writing, as in, writing campaigns for tabletops. Starting with smaller ideas really, but I've been getting that passion reignited, partly because of the Balder's, but also because I've been back with my tabletop group again. And we're playing more than just table tops together. But a long time ago, when I ran an impromptu campaign (with really nothing behind it), everyone had fun, any cheating or fudging aside. Since I have been examining what books I have (in storage and free/purchased and then forgotten), I found a few game master guides, and my friends are giving me some module suggestions. So, looking forward to once I start this.
But, as of this week, we've gotten the bad news my father had a nasty fall over the weekend and is hospitalized. Several broken ribs. We're still awaiting testss but... shit man. I'd be lying if I said this hasn't taken its toll...
Thanks for letting me vomit on a journal. If you chose to read half of this, then yeah, I'm sorry it has been a rough year of me already being a flake again. I'm still here just.... around.
So, in November/December, I posted in a couple places I would write about my holidays and how BAD they ended up being, but it seems that 2024 wanted to continue that trend with some really depressing and heavy topics. As such, I've been busy...
But I won't say that my life is bad right now. Frustrating issues with dark topics float around me, don't get me wrong; but in all actuality, not only am I reconnecting with old friends, I've expanded my circle. And it feels good to be social again, even if my life right now is a little rough. There is some happy in my life right now that I am enjoying <3.
But, to get to the point, here is a rather ranty if unfocused dump of what is going on:
Last year, in March, my sister started experiencing weird issues with her motor skills and cognitive abilities. What occurred was a series of tests, and medical accommodations she needs to survive those tests, that determined she may have had a stroke. If only it were limited to the one... While she was recovering and planning to return before the end of the year, she had another. She has since been living with my parents. My mom has mostly been taking care of her...
And my father, as he has reached his mid-80's and started having the health problems that come with it. We learned he was diagnosed with a cancer several years ago, and while it has been mostly treated (I think, I'm unsure, he never told us), its presence carries a possibility of dementia. And that, combined with my father's behavior issues that have only worsened in his age, led to the last few months--especially the holidays--especially the holidays--having downer effects for myself and the family.
Thanksgiving was at least nice, but Christmas Eve and Day were nothing but sad attempts to make the holidays fun. Dad sat at home, refusing to come to my sister's place for a dinner my brother and I prepared because he got into a fight with my sister. Most of the interactions between Christmas and now have been an attempt to reach out and just see how he is mentally... or him just absolutely shutting himself off from the world (hey, I know where I get it).
So my mom has been having to deal with my mentally degrading father and sister. And while my sister may get unfairly screamed at by him at times, it's not like she doesn't poke the bear. And of course, her attitude has deteriorated too. Not just because of the stroke, as anyone who has been in a Discord call with me knows she
And when my sister comes by to visit her place, she brings that frustration with her. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful that she opened her house to me at a time I needed assistance. But while it may have started with good intentions, it has devolved in such a way that I am expected to keep the house EXACTLY how she wants it (read: she needs control) in her absence, despite:
1. Having rules that are inefficient, bizarre, obscene, or just dumb, only adhering to them because 'it is the rules'.
2. The two of us having completely different philosophies on how to handle problems in the home or taking care of animals
3. Issues outside, but including, regular upkeep of the location that becomes MY out-of-pocket expense
4. Being more wishy-washy than a flip-flop in the washing machine
5. Just being a god-damn asshole
Not going to mince words, because anyone who has been in a Discord call where she's barged in for one petty reason or another would know if I pulled a punch and agrees not to: she has extremely authoritarian rules that are so damn contradictory or otherwise unbelievable that, I can't not ignore them or take them seriously. One of these rules? "No furry stuff". And yeah, may be a bias to bring that one front and center here, but what she classifies as furry is 'anything with an animal' on it. This, obviously, casts a wide net on things not innately furry, but I should also point out all the shirts (which I focus specifically) are PG things you can see others wearing. Whether it is a shirt of 3 wolf moon, or an FWA shirt, or a drawing of a chibi fox that someone can sell from a stall, it would be furry, but something with say, a Pokémon on it, or a Dungeons and Dragons figure or a fucking Christmas sweater... also "furry"...
Now, aside from being overbearing and not having a right to do this (to anyone, much less a kid, but especially her sibling), if it was just getting nagged at, I could ignore it or at least confront and discuss. It has, however, led to her taking property and hiding it and potentially getting rid of it. To date: I am missing several FWA shirts (a close friend has given me some of their spares they didn't want, thank you Pyre), a couple of drawing books, keychain dangle doodads, and I am not sure what else. I have been able to recover some of this stuff, and usually, I find it within something she owns or in some place only she should go, like in her car or hidden under her bed. And of course, when I asked, she claims she hasn't seen the stuff, then I confront her on where I find my things, and I am accused of distrust. Yes, but it does not answer my question of why it gets there. She denies taking it, but once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, after a certain point, it feels intentional.
Fast-forward to the weekend starting March: we got in a HUGE fight. What petty thing this time? Lights. Specifically, I have been paying rent, but she doesn't feel I do enough. I am keeping her 4 cats, my 2 cats, and her 1 dog (which, I should point out, came in without my notice or consent 6 months before she fell ill, so I have been taking care of this dog twice/thrice as long as she has) alive and healthy, but she doesn't feel I do enough. I live and clean in her house while only really needing two rooms to myself, staying the HELL out of her way when she visits or stays a few, but it is not enough. So, I have now been told to pay the power bill as well. Alright, it is still a house to myself for a pittance and having to deal with a weekly headache in the terms of a bitch sister... but, if I am going to pay the power bill, I don't really want to pay more than I need. And by that, I usually turn lights off when they are unnecessary. Specifically, when I think they're unnecessary. Silly me, right? How dare I turn the lights off to a hallway when no one is in it and I leave? No, you read that right, she threw a temper tantrum at me and said I was disrespecting her by constantly turning the lights off. Yeah, by simply following Captain Planet, I pissed off Queen Bitch. Stuff like this may have been happening more and more often as time has gone on, but it has never gotten this bad.
The solution is clear, I need to move out again and get my own place. I'd prefer here, simply because I love Georgia, but I do not feel safe much anymore, what with all the extremism that seems to be going on, infecting from top down. Not to mention other family dramas like my brother's divorce. Poor him. (yes, even after everything, he got taken advantage of in this situation. It is a long story, and it sadly evolves every day).
AfterTheFactUpdate: Not even including the argument my sister brought with me and my brother today. LSS: We've been trying to build a shelf in her garage, but as life happens, projects shift. Well, not good enough for her. She wanted us to do that this weekend, despite not having the materials. Given how she regularly pokes us about this when the ball is out of our court, not even mentioning the rude-ass way she words her demands, my brother confronted her. She ended accused us of bullying her, ganging up on her because we refuse to move the project forward and calling us assholes. Of course, remember the narcisist prayer...
With all this happening, I had to get some priorities straight. The first one was obvious, I needed to resume seeing a therapist. I found a nice guy by the name of Tyler who is great. We've had great, if painful discussions. A lot of progress in a few sessions. Not sure if I should be happy about that, but I am proud.
I did also stop any HRT for the time being. Just... with my sister being as toxic as she is, I rather not be kicked out on the street till I find a place to stay without having to bother. Besides, I'm not entirely sure about it, and I'd rather not make any decisions that are heavy under duress. Fix one thing at a time to give it the full attention.
I have been attempting some creative pursuits more than just gaming lately in an attempt to branch out and do stuff. Yeah, I've been playing games like Balder's Gate 3, but I have also been doing Lethal Company and Helldivers II and Phasmophobia with friends, I've also been goofing around with video editing. Mostly clips of the formers, but I've also been trying animation out in the terms of video editing. I do have Clip Studio Paint and a new tablet too, so I am animating there as well. And finally, I've been fiddling, reading up with Godot and Blender. No real plans, but I have ideas and need a step. Thank you, humble bundle.
On other notes, I've also been writing, as in, writing campaigns for tabletops. Starting with smaller ideas really, but I've been getting that passion reignited, partly because of the Balder's, but also because I've been back with my tabletop group again. And we're playing more than just table tops together. But a long time ago, when I ran an impromptu campaign (with really nothing behind it), everyone had fun, any cheating or fudging aside. Since I have been examining what books I have (in storage and free/purchased and then forgotten), I found a few game master guides, and my friends are giving me some module suggestions. So, looking forward to once I start this.
But, as of this week, we've gotten the bad news my father had a nasty fall over the weekend and is hospitalized. Several broken ribs. We're still awaiting testss but... shit man. I'd be lying if I said this hasn't taken its toll...
Thanks for letting me vomit on a journal. If you chose to read half of this, then yeah, I'm sorry it has been a rough year of me already being a flake again. I'm still here just.... around.
