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Still Looking For A Place To Settle
a year ago
So, not a long journal here, but an important one I think.
First, I'm looking for a new job. It's not urgent, I still have my current job, but my current job is weighing on me emotionally and psychologically. I could go on for paragraphs about why the job is hurting me, but the short version is they pay us next to nothing and then expect five-star white-glove service, and I'm struggling with it. As we used to say back in the pandemic: "I have a letter that says I'm essential and a paycheck that says I'm not."
I'm hoping my years of experience might translate into a better job eventually, but everything I've looked at within the industry is more of the same. Might be that way across the whole economy, judging by the way my friends talk. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle that either.
Second, I am still looking for a sense of community. If you've followed me for a while, you know this is something I've struggled with for years after the Lilo and Stitch fan community I was a part of imploded. Then I was part of a MLP:FiM community too, but that also imploded, and I've been adrift ever since. I have a good number of friends, and I love them, but I don't have a group I belong to, and it eats me up inside. I've tried joining groups, especially ones recommended to me by friends, but I don't know how to become part of a group, and I usually get the feeling that I am not wanted. No one ever talks to me, thinks about me, invites me to do stuff, I'm just... treated like I'm not even there. Doesn't matter how much I talk. Doesn't matter if I try drawing for people. Doesn't matter what I do.
I get it, everybody already has their social circles set up, they don't need someone new barging in. Still hurts to be the guy without a home though.
Well, update on that front: I thought I might've found a group I could join on a minecraft server for a few weeks, but it turned out that server was mostly being run as part of a giant scam by a company capitalizing off of some youtuber's fame. I'm not interested in being scammed, so I left. Frankly, I don't know where else to look. I think my loneliness is going to kill me some day.
Third, my depression is getting worse. I've been locked into paralysis on moving my gallery and things by a long and ongoing bout of depression, and recently it has gotten a lot worse. I mean, I've been depressed for decades now, and Furaffinity's bullshit forcing me to delete my gallery certainly hasn't helped, but recently I've found it has gotten to levels I haven't seen since middle school. I'm having more intrusive thoughts, I'm spiraling more often, and some days I genuinely worry I could hurt myself. This generally means I'm spending all my free time and energy just trying to survive, which puts me in paralysis on commissions and building a new gallery somewhere for my art... I'm so tired. I know I should get help, but it's just too expensive, and finding someplace that helps and works with my schedule is impossible because therapists don't believe in working graveyard like normal people have to.
Fourth, car troubles. My car, a hybrid, now has intermittent high voltage system problems, and I need to get them fixed. This is stressing me out so much too because my car is super important to me. Driving is the only form of real freedom that I have, and I hate the thought that it could be taken away with no notice because American industry can't engage in some basic fucking quality control anymore.
I swear, the whole world keeps getting shittier and shittier, and I'm just waiting for the day it decides to kill me.
First, I'm looking for a new job. It's not urgent, I still have my current job, but my current job is weighing on me emotionally and psychologically. I could go on for paragraphs about why the job is hurting me, but the short version is they pay us next to nothing and then expect five-star white-glove service, and I'm struggling with it. As we used to say back in the pandemic: "I have a letter that says I'm essential and a paycheck that says I'm not."
I'm hoping my years of experience might translate into a better job eventually, but everything I've looked at within the industry is more of the same. Might be that way across the whole economy, judging by the way my friends talk. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle that either.
Second, I am still looking for a sense of community. If you've followed me for a while, you know this is something I've struggled with for years after the Lilo and Stitch fan community I was a part of imploded. Then I was part of a MLP:FiM community too, but that also imploded, and I've been adrift ever since. I have a good number of friends, and I love them, but I don't have a group I belong to, and it eats me up inside. I've tried joining groups, especially ones recommended to me by friends, but I don't know how to become part of a group, and I usually get the feeling that I am not wanted. No one ever talks to me, thinks about me, invites me to do stuff, I'm just... treated like I'm not even there. Doesn't matter how much I talk. Doesn't matter if I try drawing for people. Doesn't matter what I do.
I get it, everybody already has their social circles set up, they don't need someone new barging in. Still hurts to be the guy without a home though.
Well, update on that front: I thought I might've found a group I could join on a minecraft server for a few weeks, but it turned out that server was mostly being run as part of a giant scam by a company capitalizing off of some youtuber's fame. I'm not interested in being scammed, so I left. Frankly, I don't know where else to look. I think my loneliness is going to kill me some day.
Third, my depression is getting worse. I've been locked into paralysis on moving my gallery and things by a long and ongoing bout of depression, and recently it has gotten a lot worse. I mean, I've been depressed for decades now, and Furaffinity's bullshit forcing me to delete my gallery certainly hasn't helped, but recently I've found it has gotten to levels I haven't seen since middle school. I'm having more intrusive thoughts, I'm spiraling more often, and some days I genuinely worry I could hurt myself. This generally means I'm spending all my free time and energy just trying to survive, which puts me in paralysis on commissions and building a new gallery somewhere for my art... I'm so tired. I know I should get help, but it's just too expensive, and finding someplace that helps and works with my schedule is impossible because therapists don't believe in working graveyard like normal people have to.
Fourth, car troubles. My car, a hybrid, now has intermittent high voltage system problems, and I need to get them fixed. This is stressing me out so much too because my car is super important to me. Driving is the only form of real freedom that I have, and I hate the thought that it could be taken away with no notice because American industry can't engage in some basic fucking quality control anymore.
I swear, the whole world keeps getting shittier and shittier, and I'm just waiting for the day it decides to kill me.
Inkbunny... no, just no. I'm opposed to cub art bans, but that doesn't mean I want to be part of a site that exclusively caters to cub art. And again, they have their own stupid rules that block some of the things I draw.
Never heard of Eka's Portal. What is it?