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Update and current situation for April
a year ago
Hello people.
First of all, thanks so much for stoping by to read this post. I know it may be a bit long, you may see this as a way to vent things or not, but I think it's just important to talk about it.
I've been struggling with depression since a few years now. I wasn't aware about it at the begining, but thankfully I've had people around me that has been helpful about it.
In the past few months I've been through a few things and it slowly has drained my emotionally and physically at the point that I'm struggling to handle things properly... I realized that long ago people just took advantage of me, and also I needed to step out of a relationship that was not working (and that I felt I was the responsible of)... My grandfather mind degrading to the point he recently passed away and a few health issues that has put me in a position where I'm not only nervous but also very sad.
When I talk with most people, I try to don't drop my problems on them because I feel that's pretty much using other people's mind as... a trashcan?.
Some of you could have known about it. And I really appreciate your help, but I'm really concerned about lowering my capacities as artist while I'm feeling down. I've constantly had this bad dreams (related to stress) and one of them is me not being able to get enough from my work as artist, losing all the support and end by leaving this wish by starting to work in something I don't like and leaving art. Sadly this dream happens constantly, and it doesn't feel well.
A part of me is kinda scared of being judged as dramatic. But in a way I feel this is being a bit ... Hard to hide to all of you. Because I know that out there there's people who believe in me or admire me. It's because of all of you that I want to become a better artist, because now my biggest dream is being able to inspire and make people happy with what I do.
I want to feel my effor worths it.
Constantly I feel I'm stuck and not improving as I would like. I see a lot of artists getting better, making awesome things and I feel I'm just... slow. And I don't want to bore all of you with that.
I really want to continue my comic, the stuffs with my original characters, make new arts and starting to sell merchandise. But I feel I need to finish my commissions and rewards list. I want to be in peace with my mind, who always keeps me saying that I'm just begining to think I'm better than how I am, and that my effort doesn't worth other people's time, support, or money.
A part of me wants to feel happy with who I am.
If you came to this point, thank you. For reading it and for being there to support me. It means a lot to me. I want to be a better version of myself to all of you. Thank you.
May delete this later.
First of all, thanks so much for stoping by to read this post. I know it may be a bit long, you may see this as a way to vent things or not, but I think it's just important to talk about it.
I've been struggling with depression since a few years now. I wasn't aware about it at the begining, but thankfully I've had people around me that has been helpful about it.
In the past few months I've been through a few things and it slowly has drained my emotionally and physically at the point that I'm struggling to handle things properly... I realized that long ago people just took advantage of me, and also I needed to step out of a relationship that was not working (and that I felt I was the responsible of)... My grandfather mind degrading to the point he recently passed away and a few health issues that has put me in a position where I'm not only nervous but also very sad.
When I talk with most people, I try to don't drop my problems on them because I feel that's pretty much using other people's mind as... a trashcan?.
Some of you could have known about it. And I really appreciate your help, but I'm really concerned about lowering my capacities as artist while I'm feeling down. I've constantly had this bad dreams (related to stress) and one of them is me not being able to get enough from my work as artist, losing all the support and end by leaving this wish by starting to work in something I don't like and leaving art. Sadly this dream happens constantly, and it doesn't feel well.
A part of me is kinda scared of being judged as dramatic. But in a way I feel this is being a bit ... Hard to hide to all of you. Because I know that out there there's people who believe in me or admire me. It's because of all of you that I want to become a better artist, because now my biggest dream is being able to inspire and make people happy with what I do.
I want to feel my effor worths it.
Constantly I feel I'm stuck and not improving as I would like. I see a lot of artists getting better, making awesome things and I feel I'm just... slow. And I don't want to bore all of you with that.
I really want to continue my comic, the stuffs with my original characters, make new arts and starting to sell merchandise. But I feel I need to finish my commissions and rewards list. I want to be in peace with my mind, who always keeps me saying that I'm just begining to think I'm better than how I am, and that my effort doesn't worth other people's time, support, or money.
A part of me wants to feel happy with who I am.
If you came to this point, thank you. For reading it and for being there to support me. It means a lot to me. I want to be a better version of myself to all of you. Thank you.
May delete this later.
Thanks for the kind words, very much appreciated Ailuridae.
Thanks
I know the hardest critic to please will be yourself, but your fans will love your work regardless! I don't think any of us have the high expectations you are likely having on yourself. We simply love what you produce, and what you've produced! You don't owe us anything either, but we are appreciative of what you share!
I sing the praises for exercise as a good mental health treatment. Even simple walking can work wonders! I will just put some music on, or maybe some podcast or something, and go out for a walk somewhere. I try to do this every day! We spend so much time in front of a screen not moving, and it's just good to get away and get some blood pumping to balance things out!
I really hope you feel better soon, burr! <3
Thanks also for being considerate about those expectations that I feel I need to reach. It's one of those ghost enemies that constantly haunts me.
Thank you for understanding
Those that call it dramatic are the problematic people who are both ignorant and unwilling to learn to be a better person, as they've been taught very stupid and wrong things by people who have been very wrong about alot of things, culture and mannerisms change as time passes.
It is better to talk about this than to never talk about it all and let it strengthen its grip on your own mental well-being. You've been here for years, and you'll continue to have support from everyone here. Including me, who doesn't really watch you properly nor commissions you, but still checks back from time to time. If anything I feel like my "support" really isn't much of support. Sometimes I honestly feel like Krillin watching Goku fight Cell, standing with just about everyone else. Though probably a bit more so Krillin since well...Krillin does his best and sometimes it doesn't feel like much.
But nothing will stop me from speaking my mind on how you feel currently, or at least potentially even now. You can and will be a better person, just remember it doesn't happen instantly, its a slow but very worth it progression, you get to feel every little change, and that is what feels very exciting and honestly very happy. Of course you have to remember that you're not perfect, but you're not aiming to be "perfect", you're aiming to be a better you. So there'll be some inevitable sadness and sorrow that'll loom and pass eventually.
Everyone has been here for both you and your content, you have your better friends, you have alot of support to draw from! It'll remain that way for as long as you remain yourself, that's all you have to do. Even right now, you're being you by expressing that you don't feel good and that you're in an incredibly uncomfortable position mentally right now. And right now, its our turn to reinforce and show support. If we're all in this together, then we have to carry each other whenever the other falls, and carry them in whatever way we can with what we have. None of us truly operate entirely alone, and sometimes that's honestly kind of sweet. We operate with others both directly and indirectly.
You have a lot of support, and I hope you remember and see that eventually, and if it doesn't feel like much now, then I hope it grows to where it'll really make you smile. Not for anyone, but for yourself.
Thank you again for considering that what I'm aiming for is something that I could get. Makes me feel that I'm capable of things that constantly feel I'm not of.
And all kinds of support helps. I appreciate a lot that you took the time to write this comment, that is long and full of meaning. It means a lot.
I'll try to keep trying to find help with the people that supports me, sometimes mind can be a bit heavy.
But I'm feeling a bit better now
The only advice I can give is to put everything down temporarily and let emptiness seep in and let your mind rest. But if it doesn't work then there's nothing wrong with that! I do definitely hope you feel far better, as I don't want just "a little better", I want to see you happy!