Today it's been exactly a month since I got last commission from Twitter/FA (all drawings I posting now are commissions from February and beginning of March). After that there was a silence, my reminders didn't worked as always (this time I posted them even on DA and Tumblr, cuz situation was too serious), then I went completely broke (I covered my credits and mortgage only because I borrowed huge amount for a friend), and now I really have nothing to eat. And you know, I realize that I have no way out from current situation.

During this month I asked for help my friends, old commissioners, even few artists, but all of them told me "Jana I don't know how to help you" or "Jana I can't help you" again and again. Of course some people started to tell me that "people don't have money now", "there is a world crysis" or even "new financial year just started" (most ridiculous thing: a year ago I heard this five times in different months). But at the same time I see that artists which I follow opening commissions and close them after few days, because all slots were taken. Damn, even one of my friends opened them, went to bathroom and when he was back, people also took all slots. This is just impossible! It seems like lack of money is not the reason, it's just that people would rather spend it on cooler/popular artists and I understand that, cuz I'm fucking noname.
By the way one person suggested me officially become a bankrupt, what could help me at least a little. But it's turned out that most likely in this case I'll become a homeless: if you don't fully own something like your house or car, it can be taken away.

About a month ago I wrote on Twitter that I'll try to find another job, but it's turned out that this is too hard: I'm useless disabled person, in my country all official jobs for me are low-paid and salary there is not enough even to cover my mortgage, not to mention other bills and credits. Other my skills are not enough, for example 3D: any person who know Blender at least as beginner can do much more than me in 3DsMax. Or writing music (is it possible to earn at least something if this is just a stupid hobby and you sharing this only with few friends? Of course not!). One friend suggested to make plushies again, but right now I don't have sewing machine, not to mention matherials and other stuff. I don't have the opportunity to buy this. Moreover, it can take a lot of time to find your first customer or you'll never find anyone, it's like a lottery.
So right now drawing is the only thing I can do online, but I screwed up. Of course I can animate too, but it will take YEARS to reach at least something. Not to mention it can't be monetized due to copyright (because of music from popular animation memes for example). I could try to draw for other fandoms, but that's meaning that I should start everything from the beginning again, what's also can take years.

And the worst thing: I realized that more than a year I always survived by a miracle, I never was successful as fulltime artist. Sometimes people bought my commissions because of a pity after my posts and journals, sometimes a person with sequence appeared in the last moment and gave me pretty big amount because of this, sometimes people donated me money, what's also helped me a lot when I hadn't enought commissions. This time miracle didn't happened. And looks like will never happen anymore.

I don't see the solution of my problems, I'm totally powerless in current situation. And tbh I don't want to live anymore.