if what you are doing isn't working try something else. If you're rejecting everything this implies you're rejecting yourself. If the suffering is not coming from doing something that doesn't suit you but rather from within you you must change your mindset because the fault is within your mind. Therefore you need to do some mental training.

The most ideal way I know of is actually lying to yourself. While this is often used by people in negative ways it can be used more positively too. If you keep telling yourself positive or motivating things like "you are getting better" or "I'm fired up and ready" or "I'm amazing" you will eventually start believing it and it will start to alter the way you think and your drive. And since everything about your mind has to do with its wiring those lies eventually become true because you've rewired it to suite your desires.

You brain is a computer. Like any computer it can be programmed. Unlike computers we make today its smart enough and aware enough to modify and alter itself to suit its own needs.

I am already being dishonest with myself and hiding my desires from myself. not sure if additional lie would help...

They would if they're positive. Because it isn't really a lie so much as it is positive programming to overwrite all the negative lies you've told yourself.

Reprogramming your brain isn't easy. What you settle into becomes your comfort zone. And even if your comfort zone makes you miserable it is hard to leave it.