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The Dust Settles...
a year ago
Ok. things seem to have settled enough for now that I can start to return back to this. Forewarning, this is a little venty.This is both an admission of guilt and an apology.The recent events in my life have stretched who I am as a person to beyond breaking point. Some of those events had provided an introspective into just how wicked and vile I had become.Long story short, I quit my job.Working 10+ hours a shift as a waitress / Cafe all-rounder with barely a break wasn’t worth the $300 a month.If you’re scratching your head at how I wasn’t making enough to live on, good. I am too.And I would be out on the streets, starving without government assistance. But that bought it’s own problems. A story for another time.
It made me a very bitter person, even if it could not be seen on the surface.Fear. Paranoia. Anger.I felt like everyone I spoke to had an angle. A reason they were interacting with me, they wanted something I had. And I had very little to give.I was waiting for people who I was becoming closer with to me to stab me in the back like some had done before. I could not trust anyone. Still... Can’t.I can’t even believe the words of encouragement people leave on my art here. I dismissed it all as another attempt at manipulation. Furthering their goals using the pieces of mine. Setting me up to fail yet again.~~~~~~~~~Fast forward to just last week and the relative I live with goes into hospital for emergency surgery.I’m informed it’s a routine thing, appendix removal.Supposedly went 'routine' as well. I worked my last shift at the cafe and on my way home, my neighbour informs me that overnight my relative’s heart had stopped 8 times. She’s in the ICU in an induced coma. And the hospital couldn’t be fucked calling me about it. Even being next of kin, emergency contact… whatever.Things… are going better for now. She’s expected to make a decent recovery over the next few weeks. ~~~~~~~~~Art had become the only thing positive in my life in the last two years.The only thing that would get better, evolve and not have any catastrophic failures.Yet…I treat this hobby like crap. Holding unreasonable expectations, deleting previously posted art just because I felt it wasn’t good enough for my followers. Thought it would be some form of salvation. Obsessed with improving.I am a disgusting person.And I deserve all the suffering I have been through.~~~~~~~~~But I would like to apologise to my watchers, who have supported my craft... For being so self-centered.To the people who have grown closer and got to know me better, who knew the situation behind the scenes, been supportive... and who I have been nothing but absolute crap to.
I would apologise to myself. For not recognising my worth... But I shouldn’t be forgiven for my crimes.~~~~~~~~~Regardless...It’s time to take a step in the right direction. I’ll be re-uploading the deleted art. Promising to leave anything I upload up where it is. Trying to be a little less one sided, and trying to be a little more positive.Sorry...
Vaska
~vasilyvaskovich
Fucking terrifying to have close family going through something like that. Hoping all the best for their recovery.
Hyaenidhex
~hyaenidhex
OP
She's doing a lot better now, but you're not wrong there... I have a few days of sleep to catch up on... Too afraid to sleep in case I got the... Call.
