Therapy, when you find the right person, is a funny thing. I spent years being juggled between people who claimed to be there out of care and compassion, wanting nothing more than to help, yet who never actually saw or heard me. People who seemed more like they were there to be able to tell their friends they're a great person for making a career out of helping. This new guy, my last shot at psychological help, feels different. Better.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm being recognized by more than just the obligation of family or friends who can't possibly hope to understand, yet who try to offer sympathy and end up making me feel worse. But it's funny, really. Another session was enjoyed today, and he challenged me. He confronted me and didn't let me squirm out of responding to him and his questions. It was intimidating, it provoked a sheepishness in myself I haven't seen in ages. And it felt incredible. Freeing, almost. I wasn't allowed to shrug my shoulders and move the conversation along, or say "I don't know." or some other typical out. For the first time in a long time I was made to sit and look at my situation from an unbiased perspective.

I'm not the villain of the story of those around me, no matter how much my brain wants to make me out to be just that. The failures of those around me are not my fault. I am not responsible for the decisions of others, nor are they responsible for mine. I've been dealt a lot of shit hands and been forced to endure horrible things that will likely stick with me until I die. But they aren't my fault. And saying that is almost overwhelming. I am not trash. I am not a terrible person. I am not the villain. Certain family members and outsiders telling me and making me feel otherwise does not make it true.

I am more than what they make me out to be.

I am stronger than they would ever hope me to be, and I am not beholden to them and their need to drag others low to feel better about their own situations.

Things are tough. They probably always will be. But it isn't my fault, and I can still tell my own story regardless of the struggles set before me. I don't want that story to be one of pathetic whimpering in a corner, telling myself I deserve it. I won't let it be. I have another month of sessions with this new guy booked, and I'm looking forward to each one of them. It's expensive, but it's worth it.

Thank you to the people who have reached out to me. You're great, and I don't really have any proper means to thank you, but your encouragement did a lot more for me than you likely realize.

Shout out to for being a cool dude, too. I don't know if we've ever enjoyed the opportunity to properly sit down and talk at any real length, but there was a spark lit by them, and I am grateful. I just hope they don't mind me mentioning them directly.