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Meltdown
a year ago
Listen up, savior!
Hey. It's... been a while, huh? Sorry for not posting since Christmas. I hope that, through this journal, I can explain why.
I'm... not okay. In fact, I'm pretty much as far from okay as humanly possible. My mental state is... highly unstable. And, for some reason, I believe that sharing it in a highly public space will... make me feel better about it? Ridiculous, I know.
So! I'm sure that if you're reading this, you've probably read my past vent journals. If not, that's fine, it'll just make this kind of confusing without context. As a basic summary, I did some really, really stupid things when I was younger, and I wanted to try and atone for them.
Atonement is... not going well. I tried to become better by just... moving on from the past, but that isn't working. No matter how far I distance myself from what I've done, it always comes back. Friendships always eventually crumble, whether from me doing stupid shit, or from others who have taken it upon themselves to "save" people from who I was by preventing me from ever having friends again. People I grow attached to, ripped away forever because of mistakes I made years ago. They don't even talk to me about it, they just hear warped summaries of the events and leave.
I know this is the consequences of my actions, and part of the penance. "Can't do the time, don't do the crime" and all that. But it hurts, so much, every time I lose yet another friend. It feels like nothing I do matters, because I'll always just be the edgy little emo idiot from 5 years ago. It doesn't matter how far I move beyond my past, it doesn't matter how much I improve. It's all pointless.
Being completely honest, I genuinely can't convince myself that killing myself is a bad idea. I've hurt so many people, burned so many bridges, made so many mistakes... it's never going to stop. All of my relationships, my friendships, everything, it's all just... a distraction. A temporary bubble in a sea of ink and misery. Who knows how long before it pops, and I'm thrown back into the deep? It feels like I'm... worthless. A simulacrum of mistakes.
I also can't help but feel like just... leaving the community is the only solution. Yeah, I have friends that I'll lose, and yeah, I'll miss them, but who knows how long it is until they hear some warped rumor about something I did in the past, and abandon me anyways? Everything has a timer on it, and I can't see the countdown...
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel... trapped. Trapped in a prison of my mistakes, overshadowed by what I've done. If everything, and everyone, will only ever see me as the monster I used to be, then... wouldn't it be better to just... stop? Everyone will be so much happier if I'm gone, won't they?
I'm... not okay. In fact, I'm pretty much as far from okay as humanly possible. My mental state is... highly unstable. And, for some reason, I believe that sharing it in a highly public space will... make me feel better about it? Ridiculous, I know.
So! I'm sure that if you're reading this, you've probably read my past vent journals. If not, that's fine, it'll just make this kind of confusing without context. As a basic summary, I did some really, really stupid things when I was younger, and I wanted to try and atone for them.
Atonement is... not going well. I tried to become better by just... moving on from the past, but that isn't working. No matter how far I distance myself from what I've done, it always comes back. Friendships always eventually crumble, whether from me doing stupid shit, or from others who have taken it upon themselves to "save" people from who I was by preventing me from ever having friends again. People I grow attached to, ripped away forever because of mistakes I made years ago. They don't even talk to me about it, they just hear warped summaries of the events and leave.
I know this is the consequences of my actions, and part of the penance. "Can't do the time, don't do the crime" and all that. But it hurts, so much, every time I lose yet another friend. It feels like nothing I do matters, because I'll always just be the edgy little emo idiot from 5 years ago. It doesn't matter how far I move beyond my past, it doesn't matter how much I improve. It's all pointless.
Being completely honest, I genuinely can't convince myself that killing myself is a bad idea. I've hurt so many people, burned so many bridges, made so many mistakes... it's never going to stop. All of my relationships, my friendships, everything, it's all just... a distraction. A temporary bubble in a sea of ink and misery. Who knows how long before it pops, and I'm thrown back into the deep? It feels like I'm... worthless. A simulacrum of mistakes.
I also can't help but feel like just... leaving the community is the only solution. Yeah, I have friends that I'll lose, and yeah, I'll miss them, but who knows how long it is until they hear some warped rumor about something I did in the past, and abandon me anyways? Everything has a timer on it, and I can't see the countdown...
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel... trapped. Trapped in a prison of my mistakes, overshadowed by what I've done. If everything, and everyone, will only ever see me as the monster I used to be, then... wouldn't it be better to just... stop? Everyone will be so much happier if I'm gone, won't they?
It really is easy to judge someone's past, until someone shows you your own or a close ally's, and the moment it touches down, there is no 'proper' way to feel...
A lot of us let the little things burn a hole in our trust, and it festered and became infected like a rash that everyone would blame everyone else over.
I can't even apologize due to having done it so many times, but I can say this.
The world still accepts your presence, even if it feels like these wounds will never heal. But that’s why we bandage them until we're ready to wear or scars with shame or pride.
Things do get better in this tale. We just have to continue growing and keep learning where to go from here...
People say errors make us human but there are errors which shouldnt have even happen. No matter how much i try to improve myself, the past stays as long as i live.
Try to look up into the future. You loose people and fall down, stand up and continue your path. Life isnt about what you achieve its about the path you choose to continue walking, even if the path is just a circle it is depended of you if you expand the circle or start to cut on side off to continue the route yet sadly its different for everyone how to cut off the circle. I cant help you there sadly.
And also to the point of everyone being happier woth you dead: No. If everyone hates you then no one would care for your death. This kind of thinking only shows how much you care for all your friends.
I sadly dont know how to help you, but keep the faith for a better future.
You show remorse for your action and this shows that you improved from your past self. Depending on the error, the ones who abbadon you are the ones who wont recieve forgiveness and a second chance themself.