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Am I a failure?
a year ago
Current queue: Medieval YCH(Nezmog, Jespe, TaurusProductions, Microcub ), Olivia, Jespe again, Edwin_at_work
Since my computer died at the start of the month, I've been thinking a lot (not that I normally don't).
Let's get one thing out of the way: the answer is no. Getting 5 artfight attacks in the first 3 days, and the fact that I can now feed my family even when I don't sell commissions, are clear indications otherwise, but I still want to get these thoughts out there.
My computer died because I left the laptop lid open under a leak in the ceiling. Granted, that leak wasn't there the day before, but I know from experience that, if it had been closed, it would've survived.
This happened because I was way too tired, which in turn happened because I never really met my contractual obligations at my old job and was forced to spend a month without sleep to make it up to my new boss (it's the same job at a new company). Am I a failure, or is it the old job's fault for not providing me with the resources I asked when they were literally teetering on the verge of bankruptcy?
I might've been able to afford those resources myself if only I was a bigger artist. If I'd started posting when I started doodling in earnest in 9th grade (right when I found out the furry community existed) instead of in my senior year of college, I'd surely have sold a lot more commissions over the course of my life before the "Twitterpocalypse" (maybe we wouldn't've gone hungry when we did). Am I a failure for that, or did "society" fail me in some way?
The loss of my computer is a big deal because the files aren't backed up (here's to hoping I can get them extracted soon!) I never backed them up because I do that using OneDrive and Google Drive and Dropbox, which would download all my old files on that computer and that would kill my internet for a month since the connection is metered and capped (and yes it's the best plan my ISP offers and no there isn't a better ISP). This would prevent the rest of my family from getting any work done for a month. Am I a failure for not doing it anyway or not finding an alternative way of doing it?
And lastly, the reason the computer was in that exact spot is because it's the only place in my room I can phyiscally place it. Am I a failure for not "cleaning up" my room, which requires rearranging / buying new furniture? Or is it the fault of "capitalism" that requires me to use my every waking moment in it in a monetizable way?
In short: is it my fault I'm poor?
Let's get one thing out of the way: the answer is no. Getting 5 artfight attacks in the first 3 days, and the fact that I can now feed my family even when I don't sell commissions, are clear indications otherwise, but I still want to get these thoughts out there.
My computer died because I left the laptop lid open under a leak in the ceiling. Granted, that leak wasn't there the day before, but I know from experience that, if it had been closed, it would've survived.
This happened because I was way too tired, which in turn happened because I never really met my contractual obligations at my old job and was forced to spend a month without sleep to make it up to my new boss (it's the same job at a new company). Am I a failure, or is it the old job's fault for not providing me with the resources I asked when they were literally teetering on the verge of bankruptcy?
I might've been able to afford those resources myself if only I was a bigger artist. If I'd started posting when I started doodling in earnest in 9th grade (right when I found out the furry community existed) instead of in my senior year of college, I'd surely have sold a lot more commissions over the course of my life before the "Twitterpocalypse" (maybe we wouldn't've gone hungry when we did). Am I a failure for that, or did "society" fail me in some way?
The loss of my computer is a big deal because the files aren't backed up (here's to hoping I can get them extracted soon!) I never backed them up because I do that using OneDrive and Google Drive and Dropbox, which would download all my old files on that computer and that would kill my internet for a month since the connection is metered and capped (and yes it's the best plan my ISP offers and no there isn't a better ISP). This would prevent the rest of my family from getting any work done for a month. Am I a failure for not doing it anyway or not finding an alternative way of doing it?
And lastly, the reason the computer was in that exact spot is because it's the only place in my room I can phyiscally place it. Am I a failure for not "cleaning up" my room, which requires rearranging / buying new furniture? Or is it the fault of "capitalism" that requires me to use my every waking moment in it in a monetizable way?
In short: is it my fault I'm poor?
As getting into more serious relationship, and having more responsibility as larger of the bread bringer - it really is fulfilling and comforting feeling to be able to provide for your loved ones, anyone saying otherwise don't mean nothing to you.
When the society keeps failing, you'll need to start living your own way out of the faulty designed expectations. Which you're doing now and succeeding my friend