Birthday with Complications. [CW Self-Harm]
a year ago
I'm 34 today.
I've been doing a lot since my dad died to try and reclaim my life and try to celebrate. It's hard to do as a survivor of things like this, I get that. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to push this along so quickly but I just want my life back. My anxiety had been riding so high until today.
This morning I was reminded that I'm always going to be chained to someone who shouldn't be able to have a hold on me anymore, leashed to someone through the mortal coil. Now I'm branded by him, the same way he would justify his abuse.
"Sin"
I was a sin. Unwanted, unloved, only causing pain, trouble, and destroying the family. Now it's carved i to my arm. And I just got to sit there and watch it happen. I don't even know what or where he got objects to cut from, but it didn't feel like me doing it. It just felt like I was watching it happen.
Now I have this. I've already been suggested by close friends to let it heal then get a tattoo. Part of me wants it continued to be "Sinful" so it can be mine, another way to spite him and make it my own.
All I know, is it's been a long day. My arm hurts. And I just wanted this to be a good birthday. He took another from me.
I'll try again at 35 I guess.
I've been doing a lot since my dad died to try and reclaim my life and try to celebrate. It's hard to do as a survivor of things like this, I get that. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to push this along so quickly but I just want my life back. My anxiety had been riding so high until today.
This morning I was reminded that I'm always going to be chained to someone who shouldn't be able to have a hold on me anymore, leashed to someone through the mortal coil. Now I'm branded by him, the same way he would justify his abuse.
"Sin"
I was a sin. Unwanted, unloved, only causing pain, trouble, and destroying the family. Now it's carved i to my arm. And I just got to sit there and watch it happen. I don't even know what or where he got objects to cut from, but it didn't feel like me doing it. It just felt like I was watching it happen.
Now I have this. I've already been suggested by close friends to let it heal then get a tattoo. Part of me wants it continued to be "Sinful" so it can be mine, another way to spite him and make it my own.
All I know, is it's been a long day. My arm hurts. And I just wanted this to be a good birthday. He took another from me.
I'll try again at 35 I guess.

Damingo_Flamingo
~damingoflamingo
Happy birthday 🎂 🤗✝✝✝


Be safe Kamper. . . .have a chill birthday.

MAGEBAD
~magebad
Holy shit. Well uh.... Happy birthday 🎂

SarahRatte
~sarahratte
I feel so strongly for you. I've been there, eyes glazed over barely there, wrists bleeding. Please, please, please, reach out to your friends for help and belonging. I know it can be exhausting to hear, but use local harm prevention resources to try to redirect those feelings into something less centered around pain and hurt. I'm sorry you feel this way. No one can hurt you like those close to you, but people close to you can help.

Conquistador92
~conquistador92
Happy (late) birthday and don't hesitate to seek help all day, every day. Someday you'll find the key to happiness, it won't be easy and it'll take long but you shall succeed if you insist. Keep moving!