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a year ago
My therapist has a tumor on her pituitary gland... I haven't seen her since before my hospitalization. I haven't had much of a way to vent. Family are being... A pain...
I have a cough still, and lightheadedness... But that latter symptom might be from something unrelated to my sepsis. Chest pains remain, and will for the next 1 to 6 months.
My lab results returned. Other than elevated blood sugar (my bad... I ate a lot of sugar the other day...) It's all... Normal... Abnormally normal. By that I mean... For someone recovering from pneumonia and a septic infection that likely reached their heart... How the fuck am I perfectly stable in all those regards... It... Confounds me...
I have also studied what happened to me. I studied why they hospitalized me. I was going through severe sepsis, and it had reached my heart... That is why my heart had enzyme issues, it was fighting the infection. If I hadn't gone that night, I would've die within the next two days tops.
I had gotten pneumonia, which gave me sepsis. My brother contracted my pneumonia and was treated before it got bad. My mother contracted the same ailment, but only got bronchitis because she was vaccinated for pneumonia...
I feel... Awful... I got my treatment immediately, quickly, and hastily. I am on medicaid. They tried to not cover my stay because I wasn't on 'life saving equipment'... I have not heard back, nor been billed, since I got the letter. I assume the hospital fought to get paid (or is actively doing so.)
Seeing the recent news about Dragoneer... Seeing his symptoms... He had exactly what I did, but instead of sepsis, he developed something else... He likely had other complications to compound the problem. I feel so awful because he could've survived if the system wasn't weighted towards profits and greed and awful hoops you have to jump through just to get treatment! I'm... Angry... I don't get angry... I get sad, I get depressed, I get anxious, but I... Rarely get angry... I am frustrated... He was a good person who was doing better, he was learning, he was growing, at his own pace, but growing... I knew him in the furnet days... He was immature, he was dumb, he was silly, but he grew, he learned, and he made mistakes, but he tried to learn from them too. He didn't deserve this. If I could've given up my life for his... I would have, he has more importance than me to many more people... But... I don't know. I don't have all the facts. People spread misinformation... People lie to garner attention, people will actively and unknowingly cause complications to stories... But what I do know is... He still never deserved this... Fuck all the assholes who would spit upon this man, for I have always advocated that he has grown, he has become better, and he was a good person... Mistakes don't make a person... Their growth does. I know that more than anyone else... I hope he's found peace...
I am sorry. I am emotional... I accept death easily... If someone close to me passes, I just... Accept it... Dragoneer was not close to me, he wasn't even a friend... One time he made fun of me multiple times those many years ago... But yet... I feel anger... I feel sad... I am mourning for the first time in 23 years, since someone else close to me died... And I said I would accept fate as is...
... I want to fight against the world. It isn't fair. It could be fair, but selfish greedy people are destroying those they disagree with, those that are 'less than them'... ... *sigh*
...
...
I was told I am more of an eldritch horror or aberrant entity than a robot... ... Maybe I'll work with that... When I can think again...
I have a cough still, and lightheadedness... But that latter symptom might be from something unrelated to my sepsis. Chest pains remain, and will for the next 1 to 6 months.
My lab results returned. Other than elevated blood sugar (my bad... I ate a lot of sugar the other day...) It's all... Normal... Abnormally normal. By that I mean... For someone recovering from pneumonia and a septic infection that likely reached their heart... How the fuck am I perfectly stable in all those regards... It... Confounds me...
I have also studied what happened to me. I studied why they hospitalized me. I was going through severe sepsis, and it had reached my heart... That is why my heart had enzyme issues, it was fighting the infection. If I hadn't gone that night, I would've die within the next two days tops.
I had gotten pneumonia, which gave me sepsis. My brother contracted my pneumonia and was treated before it got bad. My mother contracted the same ailment, but only got bronchitis because she was vaccinated for pneumonia...
I feel... Awful... I got my treatment immediately, quickly, and hastily. I am on medicaid. They tried to not cover my stay because I wasn't on 'life saving equipment'... I have not heard back, nor been billed, since I got the letter. I assume the hospital fought to get paid (or is actively doing so.)
Seeing the recent news about Dragoneer... Seeing his symptoms... He had exactly what I did, but instead of sepsis, he developed something else... He likely had other complications to compound the problem. I feel so awful because he could've survived if the system wasn't weighted towards profits and greed and awful hoops you have to jump through just to get treatment! I'm... Angry... I don't get angry... I get sad, I get depressed, I get anxious, but I... Rarely get angry... I am frustrated... He was a good person who was doing better, he was learning, he was growing, at his own pace, but growing... I knew him in the furnet days... He was immature, he was dumb, he was silly, but he grew, he learned, and he made mistakes, but he tried to learn from them too. He didn't deserve this. If I could've given up my life for his... I would have, he has more importance than me to many more people... But... I don't know. I don't have all the facts. People spread misinformation... People lie to garner attention, people will actively and unknowingly cause complications to stories... But what I do know is... He still never deserved this... Fuck all the assholes who would spit upon this man, for I have always advocated that he has grown, he has become better, and he was a good person... Mistakes don't make a person... Their growth does. I know that more than anyone else... I hope he's found peace...
I am sorry. I am emotional... I accept death easily... If someone close to me passes, I just... Accept it... Dragoneer was not close to me, he wasn't even a friend... One time he made fun of me multiple times those many years ago... But yet... I feel anger... I feel sad... I am mourning for the first time in 23 years, since someone else close to me died... And I said I would accept fate as is...
... I want to fight against the world. It isn't fair. It could be fair, but selfish greedy people are destroying those they disagree with, those that are 'less than them'... ... *sigh*
...
...
I was told I am more of an eldritch horror or aberrant entity than a robot... ... Maybe I'll work with that... When I can think again...
And yeah, our health care system, or rather, lack of one, DEFINITELY sucks.
We virtually NEVER really have the choice to give our lives for another's.
And RIP 'Neer. This was tough news.
He wasn't perfect. He was just a man, fallible as all of the rest of us. I've always been convinced that he was doing the best with what he had, like we all do, or at least those of us with any heart. He WAS a good man.
It's always really pissed me off how so many people here slagged him. It was cheap, easy, and undeserved. I hope those people are thinking about that now and feeling ashamed of themselves.
In my case in regards to death I just try to always maintain an emotional distance to people so that I won't get hurt by their death for example. I don't think it works. These emotions still exist, but less consciously.
It's sad that there are people dying from similar circumstances like Dragoneer did all the time.
And I wish you getting back to better health definitely. ^^ I hope things will turn out for the better.