You ever play a game where your status conditions are hidden and you have to figure out which is affecting you? Moving slower... Broken leg? Poison? A disease? Interesting concept... But I can one up that... That's just reality! Whee! ...


I have all the symptoms except two for chronic heart failure. The fact that the sepsis had reached my heart when I had it is a sign I might be... Well, dying. They claimed my heart was clear, but that doesn't mean complications can arise after the antibiotics come off. I'll be talking to my doctor soon about this, and if I am in constant pain, I will go to the ER. It is not confirmed, it could all be coincidental... I will find out when I get checked out soon.

'Why are you posting this journal? You're going to make us worry!'

... I am scared. Not of dying... But of being forgotten. I'm unremarkable, and no one telling me in reassurance that they'll remember me will help. People lie all the time to make others feel better. I left no mark on the fandom, the world, and those individuals whom I have left a mark... It's usually traumatic or negative. Negativity is easily remembered, it's how we survive, it's how we learn from mistakes and learn to avoid toxins or dangers. Positivity are just highs we chase for rewards, but they never last... The human brain is really interesting... Still animals under the surface.

Even if I am not dying... I wanted to air out my fears, my trauma, and my worries. I know I shouldn't vent to people, let alone strangers on the internet... But I have no one to do so to right now...

I am in different types of pain. I am scared. I am sorry for all those I may harm, it is never my intent... I am a golem trying to live amongst people... But I don't know my own strength, as I crush a flower offered to me. I don't know my own size, as I accidentally crush pottery below my feet. I do not know how to understand... I do not actually fit in, nor will I ever. And I am sorry for that...


Those of you who are different, neurodivergent... You are not different from normal people. You cannot be compared to them. You are something else, and it is beautiful. The flaws in our brains... Are not flaws. They're different... And that which is different... Well, society fears it. Change is good... Evolution is good... Do not genetically stagnate... Less you reach the dead end sooner than later...



Grow. Understand. Change. And become great. For those of us who can't.