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Why do I do this to myself?
a year ago
General
Why do I drag myself to these furcon? I am not a member of the community. I repost g rated porn , hordes or strangers who don’t give a shit about me or anyone here favorite it. I made an honest goddamn effort to actually have friends, be some body, really have fucking roots. I spent weeks this year just trying to be more social in the fandom only to realize I fucking hate the idea of discussing anything in the same wheel house as intimacy with a physical human being and I even if I did I wouldn’t want to go around doing it with complete strangers, which is what I’m doing even fuckjng being here.
I don’t like meeting other people in the community. The few times I met people I knew online in real life, they were incredibly friendly people I’d be more than happy to have a life long relationship with, and my skin was crawling the entire time I was talking to them. People I considered life long friends, and I just wanted to get run over by a damn car
I’m not meeting people, and even if I did, I know the exact reward for putting yourself out there. Nothing. Flat dick. In the coming up on two decades I don’t think I’ve ever had anything close to a meaning ful relationship. There are time, times when I felt like I had something. Times when it felt like I really had a friend, or maybe someone I could get close to, I can not say hi for two days, and they’ll never say hi or reach out to me again. I’ve had exactly two people who went out of their way to say hi to me just to say hi, and 100% it’s because they wanted me to do something for them. It’s clear whatever the hell I want out of this, it’s completely one goddamn way. Not once notnfucking once have I ever been asked a question about me. I don’t think any one fuckjng anyone has asked me what I go to school for, or my job, or what I do outside of pretending to be a fat Pokemon.
But I’m not gonna learn am I? No, here I am making a journal on FA acting like anything is going to come of this other a thousand random people hitting select all and clear on their messages, because that’s what these things boil down to, screaming in a damn dessert.
I hate that I’m like this. I hate that I move in these stupid fucking cycles. Here’s how the next few months will play out, one or two people will force themselves to make posts, out of the five people who bother to click on this and read it after seeing the wall of text. Then we’re gonna forget about it. Everyone is going to move on with their days, because no one has the mental capacity for a stranger on the internet whining on a journal about their fucking hang ups. I’ll go dead silent for two years, before kicking off another gargantuan effort to make connections, and failing. Hopefully next time I’ll remember to just hit myself in the head with a hammer.
I don’t like meeting other people in the community. The few times I met people I knew online in real life, they were incredibly friendly people I’d be more than happy to have a life long relationship with, and my skin was crawling the entire time I was talking to them. People I considered life long friends, and I just wanted to get run over by a damn car
I’m not meeting people, and even if I did, I know the exact reward for putting yourself out there. Nothing. Flat dick. In the coming up on two decades I don’t think I’ve ever had anything close to a meaning ful relationship. There are time, times when I felt like I had something. Times when it felt like I really had a friend, or maybe someone I could get close to, I can not say hi for two days, and they’ll never say hi or reach out to me again. I’ve had exactly two people who went out of their way to say hi to me just to say hi, and 100% it’s because they wanted me to do something for them. It’s clear whatever the hell I want out of this, it’s completely one goddamn way. Not once notnfucking once have I ever been asked a question about me. I don’t think any one fuckjng anyone has asked me what I go to school for, or my job, or what I do outside of pretending to be a fat Pokemon.
But I’m not gonna learn am I? No, here I am making a journal on FA acting like anything is going to come of this other a thousand random people hitting select all and clear on their messages, because that’s what these things boil down to, screaming in a damn dessert.
I hate that I’m like this. I hate that I move in these stupid fucking cycles. Here’s how the next few months will play out, one or two people will force themselves to make posts, out of the five people who bother to click on this and read it after seeing the wall of text. Then we’re gonna forget about it. Everyone is going to move on with their days, because no one has the mental capacity for a stranger on the internet whining on a journal about their fucking hang ups. I’ll go dead silent for two years, before kicking off another gargantuan effort to make connections, and failing. Hopefully next time I’ll remember to just hit myself in the head with a hammer.
Im always around if you need someone to talk to or just vent your frustrations to, I got your back.
I can't offer much help either. Being in the wrong timezone most people are asleep when I am online.
"I don’t like meeting other people in the community. The few times I met people I knew online in real life, they were incredibly friendly people I’d be more than happy to have a life long relationship with, and my skin was crawling the entire time I was talking to them. People I considered life long friends, and I just wanted to get run over by a damn car."
Unless I'm mistaken, (you've mentioned in a few times) these 'hang-ups' that's causing you to short-circuit while trying to find enjoyment in their presence. You want a relationship, but the price to pay is your time and effort (ditto for them) but you so far haven't received anything on your end, at least on your end, but you're having issues trying to get to that point?
Even with the latter ending sentence of "lifelong friends" and the feeling is soulcrushing, but you like being there with them?
It’s awful, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it, too. *hugs* :c
While I don't know much about you behind the screen, I'm sure you're a really nice guy and would absolutely give you a hug.
but i've also seen success stories. those people who manage to integrate themselves into a furry community usually just... continue to hang around. talk to people on the server. when people talk about games, they chime in. when there are people in the voice chats, they join and stay for a while. and so by continuously making an active effort to be part of the group, they eventually do become a mainstay of said group.
of course i don't know if this kind of scenario can be applied to you, but i hope you can take something away from it. good luck to you. there was a long phase in my life where i checked your Favorites out every day, and very often i loved what i was seeing. <3