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Not sure how to proceed.
a year ago
So, I'm going to be real.
I had some life changing news a few days ago. I'm trying to come to terms with it.
I am 2 days from my call with Social Security, and I am already beyond nervous. My mental state over the past year has been degrading rapidly, more than I thought I suppose. With everything else I usually post on here I always feel really bad posting bad news and I just want life to normalize and I want to go back to having a life. Well...
As my court hearing approached for the disability stuff, I wanted to have another talk with both my therapist and psychiatrist. I had recently gone to Furry Migration, and was having a very hard time discerning this reality from one I've lived before. While derealization is not new to me, the frequency has been increasing immensely, and while it used to nearly always involve my father, it now is just... happening. a few days after the con, I forgot all of it, a week and a half in fact. Having small sections of memory loss isn't new either as depression and PTSD have a habit of causing these issues, but massive amounts of times are also becoming more frequent. Then the new dreams started to come.
I've always had PTSD related nightmares, they cause non-epileptic seizures and I wake up with massive pain in my body. I was put on medication to forget dreams, but it doesn't stop the actual physical aftermath. Sometimes the medication isn't enough.
I've had dreams with multiple dreams within dreams before, but the ones I started having made me miss the PTSD. I do not say that lightly. I would rather re-experience my dad's sexual abuse than these horrors. The reason is because it never felt like I could escape. Every time I woke up, I didn't and it would happen somehow again. It was always inevitable no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I'd do to prevent everything. I do not know why these nightmares contain geometric shapes, but there was always this symbol that, the moment I'd see it, I could never look away. It would demand my attention so fiercely that it felt like my head was under a hydraulic press with the sound of a flashbang. I'd beg for it to kill me until I'd "wake up" hoping that I'd have woken, up, and make sure to remember certain signs, then eventually, it would happen again.
I have not once felt like I have been awake since then. I do not know if I am awake now. I feel like I could see the shapes and the symbol any moment, and everything that has happened in the past few days would have been another "dream" within this one. All I get to do is assume what I'm seeing is real for now and pretend to be ok.
I've officially been declared to have full on psychosis, officially leading to Schizophrenia and Dementia, at the age of 34. All the mental damages from the past has caused so much damage that it sped up the process that my mom's side of the family has been prone to.
And it made me realize that after all the work I've done to fight against the damages my dad made, and try to have a better life, and just even try to reclaim some of my mental state, it was all going to be slapped down by genetics coming in the open door that was left open by everything else.
It was all pointless. All the effort, all the time, was just wasted. I'm going to now very likely be able to get on disability one way or another due to this, but with the cost of knowing I don't get to spend the rest of my life just being able to relax after everything I've been through. It will instead be spend wondering what I did in some other life or other universe to deserve anything like this.
I know stuff like this isn't really something that is targeted to people, I wasn't specifically born to my dad to suffer, I wasn't born to suffer, this is all just incredibly unfortunate. But it's hard to be here and not feel cheated to see your dreams stolen, your hopes broken, and your future on a timer, because a man's abuse decided to start and speed up the genetic timer, just giving me one last "fuck you".
I keep trying to figure out a way to come to terms with it. Joking about it, seeing it as just a shortened timer and getting things done quicker, treat it like normal life anyway, all that. And I know neither of those things are the end of the world, both have had medical advancements to both slow and sometimes turn back the clock on them. It's less about that and more about how all of the work I've been doing was effectively completely shut down, despite the fact that I was having a hard enough time putting any hope into any of it to begin with, when I was so close to this disability finish line with this hopefully good news I cant really just celebrate now.
My goal right now is to, I guess, continue to work on mental health, with another goal of meds changing. I'm gunna invest time in doing mental training to help maybe get memory improved. I've been told exercise is good for Schizophrenia and Dementia, so I guess I'll try to take that on too. Like with my hand, I'm going to try to keep things going, cause it's all I CAN do.
Right now though?
I'm... I don't know.
I'm physically exhausted, I cant even begin to interoperate what my mental state is. Somber maybe? I don't know.
All I know is, if I forget you all sometime soon, I want you all to know, I love you very much, I'm sorry for putting you all through stuff. I'm sorry I couldn't give more art, I'm sorry I've been slow. I still want to try and finish commissions when I can, or maybe refund people when I get disability. I know none of this is really life ending per say, but for me it feels like the last of my hope got torn away, and my future and soul were shattered.
I'll keep everyone updated on Twitter and Bluesky first. Longer stuff here.
Thank you for reading.
I had some life changing news a few days ago. I'm trying to come to terms with it.
I am 2 days from my call with Social Security, and I am already beyond nervous. My mental state over the past year has been degrading rapidly, more than I thought I suppose. With everything else I usually post on here I always feel really bad posting bad news and I just want life to normalize and I want to go back to having a life. Well...
As my court hearing approached for the disability stuff, I wanted to have another talk with both my therapist and psychiatrist. I had recently gone to Furry Migration, and was having a very hard time discerning this reality from one I've lived before. While derealization is not new to me, the frequency has been increasing immensely, and while it used to nearly always involve my father, it now is just... happening. a few days after the con, I forgot all of it, a week and a half in fact. Having small sections of memory loss isn't new either as depression and PTSD have a habit of causing these issues, but massive amounts of times are also becoming more frequent. Then the new dreams started to come.
I've always had PTSD related nightmares, they cause non-epileptic seizures and I wake up with massive pain in my body. I was put on medication to forget dreams, but it doesn't stop the actual physical aftermath. Sometimes the medication isn't enough.
I've had dreams with multiple dreams within dreams before, but the ones I started having made me miss the PTSD. I do not say that lightly. I would rather re-experience my dad's sexual abuse than these horrors. The reason is because it never felt like I could escape. Every time I woke up, I didn't and it would happen somehow again. It was always inevitable no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I'd do to prevent everything. I do not know why these nightmares contain geometric shapes, but there was always this symbol that, the moment I'd see it, I could never look away. It would demand my attention so fiercely that it felt like my head was under a hydraulic press with the sound of a flashbang. I'd beg for it to kill me until I'd "wake up" hoping that I'd have woken, up, and make sure to remember certain signs, then eventually, it would happen again.
I have not once felt like I have been awake since then. I do not know if I am awake now. I feel like I could see the shapes and the symbol any moment, and everything that has happened in the past few days would have been another "dream" within this one. All I get to do is assume what I'm seeing is real for now and pretend to be ok.
I've officially been declared to have full on psychosis, officially leading to Schizophrenia and Dementia, at the age of 34. All the mental damages from the past has caused so much damage that it sped up the process that my mom's side of the family has been prone to.
And it made me realize that after all the work I've done to fight against the damages my dad made, and try to have a better life, and just even try to reclaim some of my mental state, it was all going to be slapped down by genetics coming in the open door that was left open by everything else.
It was all pointless. All the effort, all the time, was just wasted. I'm going to now very likely be able to get on disability one way or another due to this, but with the cost of knowing I don't get to spend the rest of my life just being able to relax after everything I've been through. It will instead be spend wondering what I did in some other life or other universe to deserve anything like this.
I know stuff like this isn't really something that is targeted to people, I wasn't specifically born to my dad to suffer, I wasn't born to suffer, this is all just incredibly unfortunate. But it's hard to be here and not feel cheated to see your dreams stolen, your hopes broken, and your future on a timer, because a man's abuse decided to start and speed up the genetic timer, just giving me one last "fuck you".
I keep trying to figure out a way to come to terms with it. Joking about it, seeing it as just a shortened timer and getting things done quicker, treat it like normal life anyway, all that. And I know neither of those things are the end of the world, both have had medical advancements to both slow and sometimes turn back the clock on them. It's less about that and more about how all of the work I've been doing was effectively completely shut down, despite the fact that I was having a hard enough time putting any hope into any of it to begin with, when I was so close to this disability finish line with this hopefully good news I cant really just celebrate now.
My goal right now is to, I guess, continue to work on mental health, with another goal of meds changing. I'm gunna invest time in doing mental training to help maybe get memory improved. I've been told exercise is good for Schizophrenia and Dementia, so I guess I'll try to take that on too. Like with my hand, I'm going to try to keep things going, cause it's all I CAN do.
Right now though?
I'm... I don't know.
I'm physically exhausted, I cant even begin to interoperate what my mental state is. Somber maybe? I don't know.
All I know is, if I forget you all sometime soon, I want you all to know, I love you very much, I'm sorry for putting you all through stuff. I'm sorry I couldn't give more art, I'm sorry I've been slow. I still want to try and finish commissions when I can, or maybe refund people when I get disability. I know none of this is really life ending per say, but for me it feels like the last of my hope got torn away, and my future and soul were shattered.
I'll keep everyone updated on Twitter and Bluesky first. Longer stuff here.
Thank you for reading.
You've been given a label for a scary malady that can take you places, but these are places you've yet to reach. If things develop, the only thing anyone can ever do is their best to adapt and overcome. And thankfully, that's what that label is for! Identifying and adapting.
You've come this far. <3
I keep trying to find the words, but they'll all sound hypocritical or condescending coming from me.
I just don't know
I'm sorry
Why is life so fucking worthless
You've been through so much in life, you truly deserve so much better. I'm sorry Kampfer
(I have anxiety/paranoia which I have to take medications for, as well as a couple other issues. But some of the leaps of logic my brain takes have been similar to hallucinating. Or so I've been told by my psychiatrist.)
The one problem about dementia is you won't be able to live alone anymore. (If you are already living with someone else, then it's less of a problem.) Yes, mental exercises and physical exercises will help, but the safest thing is to have another person around to make sure you don't wander off during an episode.
(I know this because I used to be a caregiver for the elderly/dementia patients in their own homes. Had to stop because too many of my clients died on me. I mean, they were old, so it wasn't unexpected, but I didn't expect to grow attached to them so quickly.)
Anyway, I hope things work out. The most I can offer is advice. I wish I could do more.
We understand, just please get all the help you can get to get better
I will never stop thinking and believing you can have it better. You can make it better. Cause you are an awesome person as long even one part of you is alive. The spark of life has not left you, and it will not till the very end. It might be hard but its never too late to gather power and keep improving.
I know I don't know you a whole lot besides on here occasionally but hey, we have to help take care of each other when we can, however we can. Take care of yourself and stay strong.