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and the ride doesn't stop there
a year ago
y'all i'm sorryyyy for not doing comms like i used to where it was like every other DAY i'm uploading shit, my grandpa's chemo is taking control over my life.
so far so good, his CNS has no malignant cells from his spinal tap reviews and the lymphoma tumor in his throat is pretty much gone.
hurray--except the trip to the oncology center is 120 miles to and from, so it's 720 miles a week and blood work at another facility twice a week...uuuntil February 2025
that is, a LONG fuckin time this is gonna be going on--the errands, managing his business for him on top of mine, cooking and cleaning for him and helping him around
WHY am i bitching? cos he was so mean most his life, abusing the hell outta his kids and my grandma, and suddenly now i'm his caregiver
i'm trying to ease up on drinking cos A. it tastes like shit and B. i do NOT get any art done when i'm drunk, but sometimes that's all i wanna do by the time i'm done fetching and catching; then again, that's my own damn fault for slipping down that path so i fully hold myself accountable for that fuckup
between all that, the moaning, the screaming, cleaning up his shit and then spending more time talking to doctors about alternative medications to help him--loooord have mercy, i kinda wish i was the one with cancer instead cos i'd just avoid everyone and deal with it myself. (i'm allowed to say this cos my ma said the same thing too)
thanks for letting me vent, i'll hopefully draw something nice as a reward for putting up with the incessant spew of my guttural sewage i call venting
so far so good, his CNS has no malignant cells from his spinal tap reviews and the lymphoma tumor in his throat is pretty much gone.
hurray--except the trip to the oncology center is 120 miles to and from, so it's 720 miles a week and blood work at another facility twice a week...uuuntil February 2025
that is, a LONG fuckin time this is gonna be going on--the errands, managing his business for him on top of mine, cooking and cleaning for him and helping him around
WHY am i bitching? cos he was so mean most his life, abusing the hell outta his kids and my grandma, and suddenly now i'm his caregiver
i'm trying to ease up on drinking cos A. it tastes like shit and B. i do NOT get any art done when i'm drunk, but sometimes that's all i wanna do by the time i'm done fetching and catching; then again, that's my own damn fault for slipping down that path so i fully hold myself accountable for that fuckup
between all that, the moaning, the screaming, cleaning up his shit and then spending more time talking to doctors about alternative medications to help him--loooord have mercy, i kinda wish i was the one with cancer instead cos i'd just avoid everyone and deal with it myself. (i'm allowed to say this cos my ma said the same thing too)
thanks for letting me vent, i'll hopefully draw something nice as a reward for putting up with the incessant spew of my guttural sewage i call venting
sometimes i can get up at 2 in the morning and scrub diarrhea off the bathroom floor while an old man sobs, and i'm like ok i got it
then sometimes i'm just like hitting myself like i'm some kind of idiot just cos i can't handle him vomiting
idk idk idk idk i just wanna pay my bills and work
i just wanna die but i'm too scared to do anything so i was kinda hoping natural causes in my sleep, yes beggars can be choosers
I wish you the best with stopping alcohol. Not fun.
Hope you are still taking car of yourself.
oh it is, i just spent 12 hours in the ER because my pa is so incredibly tolerant to narcotics that he has to have REALLY strong stuff but in turn is nightmarishly constipated
the screaming and the waiting and the driving, i'm sorry to hear about you
as someone who lost family to cancer, among other things, it was a relief when they were gone...
course, they weren't the best of people, either, i just gave no shits about them.
they brought me into a world i wanted nothing to do with, and were pretty shitty most of my life.
you can choose your family, i don't believe blood has anything to do with it, and i think people put too much stock in it.
it sucks hearing about all the crap you gotta put up with, and i want nothing more than for you to escape it all.
hope things get better for you soon.
i know it's insane but yeah, that mentality of relief after it's over is like, I, oh my fuckin god it doesn't help that he's always been a TYRANT of an asshole our whole lives
like this is my worst nightmare come true being stuck with him so long and his life being in my hands basically cos n-o-b-o-d-y else in the ENTIRE extended family likes him. they just know that i cave under pressure and will do what they say when they're loud and threatening enough
i dont wanna drink anymore it's so nasty and i'm ashamed of myself for picking up this habit so bad a while back, hoping i can derail that train since it's kinda early on i guess
this is somehow STILL just the tip of the iceberg and i found myself fucking laughing like an asshole because of how insane i realized it became,
thank you so much, i hope you're able to do good with yourself. and everyone else reading
i've always been too headstrong to let anyone push me around, even the worst parts of my so-called family.
i wish i could be there for you, it really does hurt to hear what you're going through.
if you ever want to talk one-on-one, you can send me a note any time.