Howdy

So its been around 2 months since the last post and a bit has changed, unfortunately, I relapsed back into smoking due to past trauma deciding to poke its ugly head recently, and another couple of depression dives.

Those depression Dives were so severe that it caused a Wellness to be filed from the institution I was studying at, The cops showed up at my house and to transported me to the Hospital after seeing how pale I was and the apartment a fucking pigsty, there I sat for 8 hours waiting to be called into the room to be assessed. And that time made me realise something.

I had these feelings ever since I lost my job working in a bar, when I was laid off due to redundancy. When they needed me for the Christmas rush, and then that was it. I was setting unrealistic expectations of myself, I grew bitter with myself, feeling like I wasn't being a cog in society that I was just some leech, relying on welfare because I lived in a bum-fuck nowhere town that had no jobs. I tried to deepen myself into this fantasy that If I went back to school, and became successful, that it would fill this hole.

Boy was I wrong

It just led to rabbit-hole of me constantly failing and shooting myself in the foot over the simplest of tasks like showing my work, and that caused me to shut down, I wanted to leave my mark on this world, be remembered as a visionary, as someone to look up to, but in the end, I was nothing more than a failure, a farcry of what I once was.

I relapsed smoking hoping that the effects of cigarettes would kill me since I was a too much of a pussy to tie the noose myself. I would've just rather sat there and let myself wither away in pain and suffering before I end it quickly and efficiently. I had stopped eating nearly as much, barely eating anything over a span of days. The only good thing that came out this is that I have shed alot of weight. I guess I see it as a good thing since I have always had issues with me seeing myself in the mirror and thinking Im huge, sparring from childhood bullying due to my weight when I was younger.

I guess it hasn't been getting better as of recent, I've been questioning my artistic talents, and even questioning if I should even continue art as a whole. Sometimes I wake up wishing I just died in my sleep so I wouldn't have to be here in this world anymore, and it certainly hasn't been getting better after I found out who My boyfriend was talking to again, painful memories tore itself that day that just made me wanna slice up my hand again in regret.

If your reading this part though, thank you, for sitting through and reading my 2am honest to myself ramblings and updates. I know I do get graphic, but I just realise that I need to be honest with myself and my audience at times.

and at the end of the day, Care more about yourself, Im just a Australian Nobody that doesn't deserve to be here at times

Alex