So, been a bit since I last did something with an update here. FtF is done but I still need to put it together in book form, I've been living in a truck for about a month now full time, and... Yeah, I'm pretty much done. The layout doesn't work for working, so that's been kind of out, the truck is shaking itself to pieces as I find stuff wrong with it now that it's been built out. Shocks, O2 sensors, battery cable, oil issue... Yeah. I'm just sitting here trying my hardest not to completely fall apart and failing pretty miserably. I've had precisely nothing go right for me in months... And as I sit here and just try and keep myself together, I know I can't.

I thought I'd secured a place to live in the last couple months. Twice. And both times, it fell apart in catastrophic ways. Once, it was because everything fell apart for the person who was trying to help me, and that I can understand. The second time, it was thanks to gaslighting that cost me over 400 dollars in gas and food and wasted 3 days of my time and put over 1000 miles I didn't need to on the truck... All of both of those, for nothing. I've wasted my energy, my time, what little mental strength I have... All of it. I just am so at the end of my rope. I can't keep doing this, to keep on trying to struggle on and put on the good, strong face for others when I'm crying inside and just want to end things. And yes, I do mean end things precisely as it's written there. I've done it before, and as I've had fursuits taken from me for nothing with folks literally just going 'sucks for you, deal for me' to my face... As I've had friends move on and away from me because I've been so distant as my life has fallen apart... As I've been ghosted for my height... As I've tried to start a new relationship for it to fail because of nothing I did, but for the some of the exact same reasons my last one fell apart...

How can anyone expect me to keep going and pushing?

Shit isn't going to get better. It hasn't. Oh it's been a few months? I've been struggling for over a year without the medication I need, without feeling safe and stable in my own home, without feeling as though I belonged in this fandom or even on this damn planet... I haven't felt happy, like truly happy, in a long time. I have folks who care about me, who love me even... And I know that. I really do know that, and yet I feel as though I'm fighting alone every single day. Is that depression talking? Of course, logically I know that. Logically I know that I will find a way to get past this and move on and I will be okay. But feelings wise? In my heart and emotionally? I'm done. I've given up. I've closed myself off... And really just started being quieter so that I can just fade away in peace. Because truthfully, all the demons I have to fight; depression, self-harm, self-doubt, body dysmorphia, my self worth... All of those? I am losing, and I have no fight left in me anymore. I'm tired, hurting, and I see no way I won't be like that unless I can find a way to... I guess find myself all over again. To really fix who I am and to start to heal. And I don't feel healed. I feel miserable, and sad, and broken. And... I don't see that changing.