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I want to write again. The truth is...
a year ago
...I just don’t know how anymore.
It’s not that I haven’t written. I’ve been writing professionally for several years up until this point and have even snuck in some personal/fetish writing in there. But I’ve just never quite reached a point where I feel as if my voice has value. The past two years have been especially harsh on my writing career as I’ve continually gotten downgraded at my last job to the point where I was whittled down to unemployment instead of even just being fired. My resources are few and far between and the opportunities I that are afforded to me nearly as fulfilling as they should be.
And all this has simply served to highlight one of the most intense fears I’ve ever had as a writer and indeed as a person. The fear that no one cares about what I have to say. It’s something I realized was instilled into me as a child and I have most recently discovered how much it’s affected both my work and my personal relationships. I’ve always been a person who listens, but I have never felt confident enough to believe I could be listened to. I feel as if I have so much to say, yet I still struggle to feel as if any of it would have any meaning. Even when I try to speak up about anything important to me, no matter banal it may be in the grand scheme of things, I’m just simply not worth listening to.
I've convinced myself that no one would want to hear what I have to say and that feeling has only gotten worse throughout this whole year. Some may argue that they do want to hear from me, but damn if I never give myself the opportunity to believe them.
To be honest, I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I don’t expect any answers or solutions and am trying so desperately to change these things. But I’ve been tired. So ridiculously tired of staying quiet and putting my head down and not saying anything about how awful I feel about myself as a writer, as a creator, or even as a friend. I feel as if I don’t know how to write anymore and I just want to try and recapture that spirit somehow.
Dammit, I just really want to write again.
It’s not that I haven’t written. I’ve been writing professionally for several years up until this point and have even snuck in some personal/fetish writing in there. But I’ve just never quite reached a point where I feel as if my voice has value. The past two years have been especially harsh on my writing career as I’ve continually gotten downgraded at my last job to the point where I was whittled down to unemployment instead of even just being fired. My resources are few and far between and the opportunities I that are afforded to me nearly as fulfilling as they should be.
And all this has simply served to highlight one of the most intense fears I’ve ever had as a writer and indeed as a person. The fear that no one cares about what I have to say. It’s something I realized was instilled into me as a child and I have most recently discovered how much it’s affected both my work and my personal relationships. I’ve always been a person who listens, but I have never felt confident enough to believe I could be listened to. I feel as if I have so much to say, yet I still struggle to feel as if any of it would have any meaning. Even when I try to speak up about anything important to me, no matter banal it may be in the grand scheme of things, I’m just simply not worth listening to.
I've convinced myself that no one would want to hear what I have to say and that feeling has only gotten worse throughout this whole year. Some may argue that they do want to hear from me, but damn if I never give myself the opportunity to believe them.
To be honest, I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I don’t expect any answers or solutions and am trying so desperately to change these things. But I’ve been tired. So ridiculously tired of staying quiet and putting my head down and not saying anything about how awful I feel about myself as a writer, as a creator, or even as a friend. I feel as if I don’t know how to write anymore and I just want to try and recapture that spirit somehow.
Dammit, I just really want to write again.
This is of course wrong, you both have a voice and you're both worth hearing. But as writers in a primarily art based forum it can be hard to recognise the reach your voice has. What's helped my girlfriend is to join various writing groups/guilds and meet like minded people, other authors in the fandom. I think it might help you too <3
Honestly, I can understand that feeling of folks not caring and how disheartening it can be. I feel like the best way to try to get back into writing after not doing it for a while is to take it slow. Don't force yourself, but think of something fun that you absolutely would love to see made and then work your way up
Now I can’t say things will improve for you stay your current course but I can say they have a better chance of if you change, yes there are a bunch of people who don’t care what you say, **BUT** there are also a lot of people who like talking and listening to you I mean as of this moment there 6 different artists who have listened and read your post and want to talk and listen to you because they care about you and your thoughts! If you feel your voice isn’t being heard or ignored then you should shout! Make them notice you or go talk to someone who actually wants to listen!
Sorry if my message is…wordy I’m not great at writing in bulk but to sum up what said above, I think your great writer and it’s both understandable and awful that this has happened to you. I think that you shouldn’t give up what brought you joy and maybe try writing not for everyone but yourself and your friends who want to listen first…and if someone ignores your voice blow their ear drums out with a megaphone.