Sometimes you gotta tell yourself "tomorrow." And sometimes it's the strangest thing that cracks you out of that vicious cycle. The best revenge you could ever have is leaving them to their misery and making your own life. You sound like you already do literally everything. You just gotta get out of there, as scary and hard as that is. Leave and make THEM pick up the pieces. You don't owe them anything, even if they've ground and guilted it into you that you do. You have to live for you, not die for them.
I mean you could also leave marbles on the floor on the way out, too. Or tacks.

Couldn't have worded it out better.

i dont
really wanna live for me anymore anyways, cos idk what i want out of life beyond this

I mean that's both the blessing and the curse of it, right?
Find someone to love and who will love you. Or who will at least treat you better. Live for your art, for creating, for the joy you spark in other people's lives. Find your revenge in helping people who are stuck, like you, in absolute shitshow situations, and helping them get out. It'll be hard and scary at first, but. You can do it. Find your friends, your found-family.
Or hell, at the end of it all, maybe just don't die because if you do they're going to take all your stuff and make it all about them, and you don't want to give them MORE ways to circle-jerk, do you?
Anyway, if you ever need like. To crash somewhere for a bit, I'm out in Kentucky, could set you up for a little while. I'm sure you could pitch in helping out with the property. You can draw weird furry shit for me in lieu of rent.

ngl i've been thinking of closing all my socials so i don't feel tempted to ask for more attention ever again

i appreciate the support but i tend to refuse financial help, it's too tacky of me to ask

Y'didn't ask, I offered, and it's a standing offer if you ever need it.
You just take care of you, okay? And look after yourself. You deserve the love and attention and you're not a terrible person.

That's the impulse of an abused person, afraid to draw attention, afraid to be noticed. because their experience has been that attention ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS leads to misery and hell. There is no such thing as good attention. Anything you do to seek ANY sliver of support backfires and inevitably makes things so much worse. That's a tragic place to be for an artist whose income depends on self-promotion.

I struggle with this, myself. Even people talking loudly makes me want to hide under my desk. I have nightmares where, if I open my mouth to speak, everybody around me looks at me like I'm the most asinine cretin they've ever had the misfortune to encounter, and what I have said is the stupidest thing they can possibly imagine. It's what was pounded into me from the age of two.

I always heard talk about the "cold, cruel world." Yeah, right. Getting away from my mother, I found the world to be kinder, more forgiving, and more generous than anything I'd ever encountered at home (not to mention more sane and rational). My brother didn't. He thought she needed "taking care of" and frankly, he'd never figured out how to live outside the bubble of codependent emotional blackmail he'd grown up with. He took care of her until she died a few years ago. I'm grateful to him for taking the bullet, and he deserved every square inch of the property he inherited (its own kind of curse, but that's another story), but the emotional cost left him struggling to even know how to take care of himself. I fully expect someday he'll have to come live with me. I just hope he'll be able to ask for help when it gets too much for him. Taking care of my dying mother, it was obvious he was in way over his head, but he couldn't even bring himself to ask for the help he was entitled to under her Medicare.

Don't wait until you're in your 60's before giving yourself permission to live your life, please!

Get the fuck out of there, man. This shit has put blinders on you, straight up tunnel vision. Of COURSE you don't know what you want out of life, you can't see what life IS. This is gonna sound like bullshit, but you literally are incapable of seeing it otherwise until you are out of this situation.

You're gonna keep feeling like this until you escape. There is purpose for you, there is a life out there waiting to begin in earnest. But as long as you stick around in a burning house, all you'll ever see is flames and smoke.

Some people just aren't right, sounds like your dad is one.

that's the thing that always gets me

what if he IS right and i'm the problem

A person who responds that kinda way to his daughter's mental health struggles is not a good measuring stick.

You have problems, that doesn't make you the problem.

Here's the great thing: you could both be wrong and that doesn't change anything. You still deserve love. You still deserve care. You still deserve to live.

Folks would miss you, meat mate.

There are helplines available, some of which could point you to possible assistance for both you and your grandfather.

nobody can make you stop crawling back like a beaten dog except you

i wanna learn one thing from my cousin

she keeps crawling back to her mom who would literally punch her in the face, the woman she went to jail over

i wanna Not do the crawling lol

"I want to learn to be better from someone that does everything wrong"

I feel that.

You do vent quite a bit and people like me offer advice, but you still don't really try to solve your own problem. It's not easy, it's really not. When you've been a victim of abuse for so long, you almost feel wrong when you're not being driven into cycles of anxiety and deppression by people you're told "love" you.

Here's the thing, you're dealing with generational trauma and narcissism that your Dad passed down to you and your Pa passed down to him and so on. The only real way to deal with your problem is to un-deal with your toxic family. Don't give them ammo against you, don't be petty or try to get revenge, even if you really want to. Excommunicate them. That's it. Stop talking to them. At all. Move away, make a new family built of compromise, compassion, and actual love. You're quality of life will improve dramatically.

The real problem lies in that they've got you entirely wrapped around their little finger... if you want to get back at your Dad or anyone else, the worst thing you can do to them is break free. Break free and run. Never look back.

i agree with what everyone has told me--or i want to agree--that things will "get better" once i leave

but i'm scared that it's like, what if it's all wrong and my folks are right and i'm just being a "child" like they always say?

like what if i do go and the guilt kills me? cos that's what i'm always told, "imagine how bad you'd feel"

I can tell you, as someone who's seen someone else struggle with what you're dealing with and they break away into a well-adjusted environment, it's life-changing. What you've described is textbook narcissistic abuse. Gaslighting, making you feel guilty for nothing, hooking you in by making you feel like you don't deserve better than this... it's a form of Stockholm syndrome, it really is.

You may even feel guilt once you've left and may even desire to seek kinship with them afterwards, but it'll just reopen old wounds and they'll tell you how you're the villain for leaving and how all their recent misfortune is your fault. Don't buy it. They're just pushing your buttons to try n' rope you back in.

Don't just take my word on it, look up narcissistic abuse and it's effects. There's a YouTube channel called Psych2go and they talk about narcissists a lot to try n' raise awareness about it. Look it up!

Emotional blackmail isn't based on reality. It's simply a learned reflexive action based on a history of things that have proven to work to crush the free will of another person. You sound to me like a smart, cool, rational (-ish) person with more emotional maturity than your parents seem capable of exhibiting.

Sure, I'll grant your counter of "but you only have my side of the story to go on," and that's true. But I've been where you are, more or less. I know the reflex response of emotional blackmail will hit a fever pitch if they start to believe you'd actually leave, like a rat frantically hitting a lever to dispense food when the food stops coming. When I left, and my mother started screeching at me about how I was "ruining her plans," it was almost laughable, because she never considered me in any of her plans (when I was younger she often forgot I existed and left me at stores—and of course it was MY FAULT). But emotional blackmail was the only tool she had, so she was going to use it as hard as she could, like someone who only knows how to use a hammer being tasked with taking care of a kitten.

I did come "home" (her house never felt like home) for a brief period, after a year or so, and my time away had allowed me to see the swamp of emotional hell that suffused every square inch of her house. It's a little like living with a skunk, and being unable to smell it until you get away for awhile. But the moment you walk in the door, it hits you in the face, and you think "how can anybody live like this? How did I ever live like this?" You begin to be able see the laughably obvious manipulation and emotional sabotage for what it is. Also, she abused my dog, and that was unforgivable.

Rather than killing yourself, have you considered using the word "no"?

I wish there was something I could do to help :(

I want to say something, anything here. I'm just...so at a loss for this. I'm just so sorry man.

You gotta cut the other strings.

The ones they are holding.

Don't let them drive you to this, you've worked too hard already.

Just, for the wrong people.

If your blood family can't help you in a moment of need when you've been a fucking rock for them, they do not deserve you.

That doesn't mean you gotta die though.

You wanna make him suffer? Make him regret his choice to leave you on that bridge, burn it, and make damn sure you are even better off without him.

It'll be easy without all of that dead weight you call a family dragging you down.

If they've got you ready to do this, you can at least try going your own way before you do. Unchain yourself from this weight trying to kill you so desperately.

It can't make the situation worse, now can it?

The best way you can heal yourself, and unintentionally yet consequently harm them, is to cut them loose and leave them. They’re taking advantage of your kind nature, milking you dry of everything they can, and offering nothing in return for all they take.

You’re no clown, from the sound it, they’re emotionally bankrupt and not willing to put in even the littlest of effort towards basic human empathy. You’ve done everything and given everything you can for them, and they’ve waisted it.

Once you move away, be it to a new home or apartment, they’ll realize just how much they need you. But by that point it’ll be too late. You’ll owe them nothing, and they’ll owe you everything and more.

Please stay safe. We all want to see you happy. Whenever you need us, we’ll be here to support you however we can.

Given that - when you were literally on the death's door through everything they have burdened you with - their only reaction was 'will you keep it down?!', they are practically your murderers.

You don't owe anything to such monsters - let them figure out their own mess all by themselves while you begin living your own life.

Family is more than blood; while it fuckin sucks that your old man would let a tummy ache stop him from being a dad for once, just shows that what little concern he's shown (which sure, may have been genuine) is superficial. I've no doubt you have close friends that will/have gone out of their way for you, they're your family; more than he'll ever be. You have family, an unconventional one sure, but life is weird like that.

I'm glad you didn't do "it", just comes to show you're stronger than you think you are. Be proud of that. Blud's booze brain was like "nahhh", homies looking out for you (I tease)

And take it from someone who's been down that road (not in a "omg i went thru exactly the same uwu" way, rather in a similar way so I can relate to how hard it is); after the shit my old man put me through and how I'm still paying the price; I get wanting to make them suffer. Hell, hard to even eat dinner at the same table with him without wanting to climb over and lay him out.

You have EVERY right to, and no one would blame you. But you're stronger than them, and you're a better person. Going down that road will just lead to more pain, you'll lose yourself in that vengeful rage and see a monster in the mirror someday. You may hurt others that had nothing to do with any of it too.

It won't be easy, but I know you can and WILL make it through. The fact that you even told yourself you'd start to take care of yourself is itself a HUGE step forward, it's okay to fall.

And you have a good heart for watching over your pa, but you're also carrying a burden that isn't yours. I'm sure when shit hits the fan that there are others that will help him, and you've done what you can; give yourself some piece of mind by leaving that all behind. Being around toxicity like abusive family will only make the pain hurt more.

(Also holy fuck sorry for the essay xAx)

Ok. So. I'm going to suggest "A Very Practical Suicide."

Which is to say, the next time that impulse to take your own life gets so great, DON'T. Just Don't.

But do use that impulse to act in a way that drastically upsets it. Right now, pack a Go bag of clothes and stuff you'd like with you, put it in the trunk of your car and keep it there. Not sure if your computer is portable or easily moved, but that's probably useful to have.

Then when that impulse returns, get in your car and drive until you feel better then find a hotel and stay in it. You have some funds, it's not the best use of them but it's better than killing yourself. Have a few days to yourself without dealing with your family. Let them deal with their own problems.

If, IF, you decide to go back, tell them why you left, that next time it will be permanent. That things are going to change and you're not willing to put up with them anymore.

Planning a good exit with support would be better, but it can be daunting and being unable to shouldn't push you to the much worse extreme.

honestly i sold a ton of stuff over the year and all i'd need is my computer and bed anyhow

fact of the matter is the guilt, i WISH i wasn't like, this undiagnosed mess all my life being told i'm this or that until i was finally able to find temporary therapy at the time

i just wish i had ONE person in my entire extended family who was like "yeah, hey it's ok i'll help" afdsgjk;fhlk

dude, you really need to get away from those toxic assholes.

you deserve better than this, seriously.

you're one of my favorite artists, and i dunno if you remember, but we talked via notes long ago.

hearing about you suffering like this is both saddening and makes me wish i was capable of getting you out of there.

you need to live for yourself, don't be a slave to people who care nothing for you.

from what i've seen, you are a person worthy of love and happiness.

meanwhile, that so-called "family" is deserving of a vicious beating.

i have to, i'm a broken record about this about how the family i actually care for never allowed me to help them, despite always needing ig

i'm very tired right now so i'm probably wording this poorly--but it's been said again and again and i'm sorry for venting ad nauseam, so thank you for listening

caring for people who abuse you and sound like they've never once cared for you is extremely self-destructive.

i mean, you even admitted that you planned to end your life cause of it.

it sounds like you're punishing yourself more than anything.

those people don't deserve your help, honestly.

but i guess we can't force you to do something, all we can do is be here to listen.

so if you ever want to talk more personally and in detail, just send a note.