For starters, I haven't been able to find a job just yet. I've been putting out applications/asking if places are hiring for around 2 or so months now. I've been mostly trying to stay in town, so I don't have to drive more than I have to. One reason it's been taking a while is I'll send something out to one or two places a week and then wait about a week to see if I hear anything and then try somewhere else. Either way, I've mostly been trying to avoid and major retail places, because I really don't feel like working at somewhere like target again. Let alone doing it during the holidays here. I could possibly get a job fairly easily at one of the factories at the end of our street, but I'm pretty sure that'll just be a nightmare for me. I don't want to work 40 hours again, let alone plus that. Along with not wanting to work these insane shifts that a lot of factories have people work. So, for now, I'll just keep putting applications out and if anything start actually trying to pester some of these places. I had applied to this small pet shop in the area, which was only part time and I figured would have been a sure thing, but I can sadly believe it was an instance where I was "overqualified" to work there.

The other bit is kind of a bunch of different things that all lead back to me shitting on myself for being a horrible person. It's partially why I've always told others, no matter what I saw about or towards other people, I always say way worse things about myself.

One thing that's always been bad for me, funnily enough, is when I'm either doing yard work or out walking the dogs, because I tend to think/talk to myself a lot during it. Usually about things that have happened and mostly on people I know/knew.

It's been a mixture of a little bit of everything when it comes to that. I've never been a super good person as it is, as far as I'm concerned, and I've never had a really good time keeping or making friends. So, a lot of it for me cycles around to thoughts about people that Ive known at some point in time or another. Not that any of the thoughts or hanging on any of it is healthy in any way. >.> But it's one of those things that I just can't help. I've always felt that almost all of my life has just been regret in some shape or form.

One thing that plays a big part in that is if I would have been better off just dealing with people and them stepping on me/abusing me. Because a chunk of people that I ended up trying to talk to/be "confrontational" with and then either I or they stopped talking to me are the main ones that I regret in some shape or form doing that with. To put it simpler, there's a lot of instances where I feel like it would have been better to deal with people treating me like crap, than telling them how I'm feeling and then either I or they cut me off.

I still from time to time go back to the friend I had before I moved. I have been friends with him off and on and I feel like as we got kind of closer, things got worse between us. He turned into an ass because of one of his ex's. He seemed fine for a while after that and then he got with someone else and started this whole "master" relationship thing and got worse. He wouldn't think for himself and wouldn't listen to me when I told him something. Went as far as driving home drunk, telling me to tell him to never drink again and then texted me a month or two down the road while he was drunk with this new girl. I hated cutting him off, but he wasn't showing me that he was getting any better and I was dealing with enough as it was and couldn't deal with all of that on top of it.

There's the most recent one where I had known her for around 15 years off and on. I felt like she was pushing me away because of these new people and in part because she plays games with them. Let alone I kept feeling like I was getting all these excuses. She didn't reach out to me when she came back because she, "thought I was mad at her" she's, "just a hard person to be friends with" like I'm not. In the end I was very blunt, to the point of being mean and she didn't care enough to even give me any sort of response. Gave me the silent treatment and eventually sent her other half at me. Acting like I was just some random person stalking and going crazy on her. That whole situation is one that will probably always stick with me. I do agree with my one friend, at least to a degree at this point, where I think this ended up being a situation where she meant a lot more to me than I meant to her. Even if she kept trying to claim that I, "was the best thing to come out of this fandom" because I don't really think I ever felt that.

Hell, even the one person that I tried to reconnect with a year or two ago now. I feel bad that I didn't stay as connected with them as I should have. I know I was an ass with them on several things. Even found an old note between me and them that made me feel bad because of how I acted. One thing I always felt is that they always felt very kind of stunted emotionally. In that they couldn't talk to someone and work through them. He couldn't understand why my one friend he was with kept bringing up his ex. He just wouldn't talk to my friend about it and would just get upset about it. I tried to reconnect with them once or twice before things really went to shit and it never happened. I really tried the last time and I think part of me realized how far gone he was from the person I kind of knew before. Part of it also could be that he didn't want to talk to me, but he couldn't process how to say it. Because you'd look at his twitter posts and he would sound completely different comparing it to his texts. Even seeing another text between him and someone else and the personality was completely different. It came to me fully realizing that he fell for the trap and got completely absorbed into being semi popular and the fetish he got absorbed into. Because that was the real breaking point with him. I didn't like his fetish and it was, "how dare I not like his fetish". It just made me realize just how broken and lost he kind of was. It partially made me feel bad that maybe if I was different with him before, he wouldn't have sunk so low. He can be interested in what he's interested in, I don't care. But when you flip out on someone because they don't like it or whatever, then there's a problem.

The few ones that I will never backtrack on are at the very least my ex and the shit I dealt with for a while that was trying to steal Kep away from me. They can go fuck themselves.

I don't know. I know it's not really good or "healthy" to keep going back on things like this. But I can't help it for one reason or another. It's part of the reason why I have such a hard time anymore trying to talk to people that I know. It's even harder for me to meet new people or try to continue with them. It still goes back to my whole thing of feeling abandoned by almost everyone that I've known. So on the rare occurrence that I do start talking to someone new, if they don't keep up with talking to me, either actual conversations or messaging me first, it becomes really hard to be to keep trying myself. Because then it just goes back to me feeling like if I don't talk to someone first, then I'm just here to entertain them or whatever. It's even worse when I actually try to connect with someone and think, "oh, maybe they'll try to actually talk to me and I could meet someone new" and that doesn't happen. But then I don't want to reach out to them that way because if it goes nowhere it'll just discourage me more.

I just feel like things have gotten just way too complicated with me anymore. I know I'm way far from perfect and anything I may say towards someone else or whatever is still nowhere near what I say to myself on a semi regular basis. Despite not dealing with the stress at Petco anymore, I still get way into my own head with too many things. Which just ends up pulling me down in some shape or form and it's nearly impossible for me to get out of it anymore. I'll end up ignoring it, but it never really goes away. Which is why it doesn't completely help to get all this off my chest, but it at least semi helps for me to sort things out.

The only other thing I can really say is if you somehow read through all of this, thanks at least to some degree. I don't blame people from not wanting to read through all of that. Along with since I know I'm nobody I don't expect people to care enough to read through it.